random updates

1. whoa! Samsung's "Dynamic Contrast" really changes the monitor contrast value depending on what I am viewing! sorry a bit sakai but it's so cool can! :D

2. A nice quote:

"If you make yourself more than just a man, if you devote yourself to an ideal, then you become something else entirely. A legend, Mr. Wayne, a legend."

Ra's al Ghul - Batman Begins (2005)

3. my favorite quote of all time:

"People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can't do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man I'm flesh and blood. I can be ignored. I can be destroyed. But as a symbol ... as a symbol I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting." 

Bruce Wayne - Batman Begins (2005)

4. I fear because I fear I don't know. But I will learn to overcome this by first being really submissive and surrender everything into His hands. Hear me pray.

5. Price that one has to pay to get know of something. You'll never know until you make yourself in it.

6. That awkward moment when this girl whom you met for the first time hugs your friends and you hold yourself back because of paiseh-ness. Aww. :S

The One That Got Away - Katy Perry (Boyce Avenue cover)

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Life is busy.

----------------------------

[Verse1]
Summer after high school when we first met
We make out in my Mustang to Radio head
And on your 18th birthday we got that chain tattoos
Used to steal your parents' liquor and climb to the roof
Talk about our future like we had a clue
Never plan that one day I'd be losing you

[Chorus]
And in another life you would be my girl
We keep all our promises, be us against the world
And in other life I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away
The one that got away

[Verse2]
You were dreaming I was Johnny Cash
Never one, we got the other, we made a pact
Sometimes when I miss you, I put those records on, whoa
Someone said you had your tattoo removed
Saw you downtown singing the blues
It's time to face the music, I'm longer your muse

[Bridge]
All these money can't buy me a time machine, no
Can't replace you with a million rings, no
I should've told you what you meant to me, whoa
'Cause now I pay the price

鞋 - 李佳薇

..::*+ 开胃谈 +*::..

好久没有去寻找一些 MMV (Maple Music Video) 来看。不过好开心，因为有人把这首歌用 MMV 来制作。不错哦~！

对了，这位歌手，她的名字叫李佳薇。她是第七届华人新光大道冠军。第一位大马歌手夺下冠军，也是目前唯一一位参赛者在总决赛得到四连满分。支持她！

很想买她的专辑哦！这首歌的歌词很有意思。我喜欢。

作词：葛大为
作曲：林俊杰

[Verse1]
当下一餐不再是泡面
当我决定走出空荡的房间
不想留恋 虽然寂寞难戒

[Verse2]
你会离开我能够理解
真的不必道歉我并不可怜
别打死结 爱情里永远没有人对
可是谁又能看清这点
冻结 思念 多强烈 我诚实面对

[Chorus]
脱掉时间的鞋 徒步找某个地方 能落脚
每幕风景都当成是纪念
换下眷恋的鞋 我渐渐学着听到 心在跳
我一个人 走每一吋明天

[Bridge]
这次说再见非常坚决
我对自己再三告诫
深深爱过多么感谢 只是该道别

(Narsha) I'm in Love - Megan Lee ft. Sungha Jung

Awwww... This is just so cute.

seriously, avoid DPD service at any cost.

I really don't know why is it always me? -__________-

勇敢 - 张惠妹

[Verse1]
黑暗中　寂静伸出的双手　
冰冷的空气像火　害怕又收手
路太远　谁的眼神能永远　
忘了跟你一起走　怎样才会懂

[Pre-Chorus]
记忆里　爱应该总是温柔　
有了这一切　才能不怕黑夜 

[Chorus]
是我勇敢太久　决定为你一个人而活　
不能说出口　那么折磨 勇敢了太久　
城市充满短暂的烟火
无处躲　照亮了沉默　
明白是寂寞(爱原来寂寞) 

[Verse2]
谁说过　爱会让人不自由　
所以你要我等候　换你的追求
有太多　快乐自私做藉口　
你让我最后　把心痛当拥有

夜太黑　看不见　你在我身边　
心伤悲　泪水失去防备 OH～

[Announcement] Donation button!

Okay this sounds funny (and it's not!): I've added a donation button here. Fund rising (sorta) to cover my expenses for my new laptop (and Christmas present if it sounds better to you ;) ).

So welcome to make donation to me okay :)


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公主病 - 周杰伦

OS： 哎呦哥哥 嗨 你好！
我不是哎呦哥哥 我是巨炮叔叔
你怎么啦？
我生病了！
那听一下哎呦哥哥的阳光宅男就会好了啦！
No no～ 好不了喔…
为什么呢？
因为是公主病啦！

为什么我要去晒太阳
我要去学游泳
冲浪板要单手来扛
还不是因为你喜欢阳光男孩
要我奔跑在海滩上
你丢飞盘我学狗来接 汪

要我学后羿射太阳
因为你说太热
哥儿们都笑你活在
自己童话世界
你说不是的话怎么叫公主
看来这位公主
病的好像不轻

哭着说我背叛你
我说在哪里
你说在梦里

说一千遍爱你
这都不是问题
我用音乐来治你的公主病
要我打包自己
扮成Hello Kitty
那看起来就会有点问题
没关系我爱你

就算你爱自己
痘痘帮你挤赶走坏坏脾气
如果突然心急
想要美好婚姻
我的城堡说欢迎光临

疗伤烧肉粽 - 周杰伦

周杰伦的新歌超好听！

疗伤烧肉粽

歌曲名 :   疗伤烧肉粽
歌手名 :   周杰伦
词曲    :   周杰伦

唉呦 我早已说过你跟他应该会分开
吵架的理由我也已经知道大概
你需要人宠爱 天天叫你Baby
这英文 好险我会念

不听我的劝 纠缠好几年
委屈时借你靠肩 我不收你钱
等你想开了 不会再红着眼
什么叫正港的情人我来示范一遍

烧肉粽 如果你想吃不需要等到端午节
烧肉粽 你要酸的甜的苦的辣的随时给你
烧肉粽 酸甜苦辣的爱情请把它忘记
烧肉粽 我可以陪你也让你出气

把你的手借我 请你不用想太多
爱你不会说出口 只给你打气加油
只喜欢你笑容 所以不用想太多
当了一天情人以后 我怕你会嫌不够

反正现在分了 就跟你老实说吧
之前跟他套招 我真的没有办法
我实在不忍心 如果不骗你你会更伤心
只是我没想到 你居然会相信

不知道你是傻还是真的单纯
我想你是傻吧傻才会跟他一起
如果莫名奇妙你们又复合了
我说的这些就请把它忘了

把你的手借我 Oh oh oh
爱你不会说出口 Oh oh oh yeah～
只喜欢你笑容 所以不用想太多
当了一天情人以后 我怕你会嫌不够

Boxie boxes

They say "Think outside of the box".

But funny that the question should be: "Why did you get into the box?"

I am no man, so please wait for me.

Irony, isn't it?

..

A lot of things that I'm looking forward to.

I've pushed myself far.

Nevertheless, it's still too early to considered it a job well-done.

Timing is ticking.

And it is indeed hurting.

But I always believe that it is for the greater good.

It's never easy to come up from scratches and pieces,

but the aftermath is always pleasant and proud,

now that I've overcame them, each a step.

Upcoming agenda:

1. Church-birthday Sunday

2. Semesterarbeit presentation

3. Practical semester presentation

4. Doku

5. Doku

6. Application for Master-study

7. Doku.

8. ....

and the list goes on.

A friend of mine mentioned 

Can't refrain myself but to feel the same way as well. For now, I don't see any signs of possibility to call for pit-stop. They say

"The clock is running. Make the most of today. Time waits for no man. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it is called present."

But what if that present is already being snatched away from you?

All the stubbornness will eventually come to an end. I will trust His timing this time.

yt3d:enable=true

YouTube's 3D attempt is super awesome. It makes me don't feel like taking my taken-from-cinema red-cyan 3D glass down.

How: Enable 3D settings at the bottom right corner (if you can see the 3D option) and make sure the settings match your 3D glass colors. That is if the uploader enable the 3D effects by tagging:

yt3d:enable=true

in the video upload.

The cheapo (commonly red/cyan) 3D glass is red/cyan. Maybe should swap the left and right color if necessary.

Try to watch this T-ara's Roly Poly in 3D. And just indulge in T-ara's cuteness ;)


Or just watch this video:

Go straight to its YouTube if you can't enable the 3D effect here.

This is just freaking awesome, right?

I got a wonderful mommy :)

Time and Heart - two of those scarce elements that are left to be explored by mankind.

最熟悉的陌生人 - Elva 萧亚轩

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Ich habe schon vergessen, was das Leben als Student bedeutet.

--
There is this something else that is very very very very tempting for me. But for that I will have to pay with everything that I have now. :S
----
 

还记得吗 窗外那被月光染亮的海洋
你还记得吗 是爱让彼此把夜点亮
为何后来我们 用沉默替代依赖
曾经朗朗星空 渐渐阴霾

心碎离开 转身回到最初荒凉里等待
为了寂寞 是否找个人填心中空白
我们变成了世上 最熟悉的陌生人
今后各自曲折 各自悲哀

只怪我们爱得那么汹涌 爱得那么深
于是梦醒了 搁浅了 沉默了 挥手了 却回不了神
如果当初在交会时能忍住了 激动的灵魂
也许今夜我不会让自己在思念里 沉沦

很无奈。

我超不喜欢离别。
不会挽留，只是会挂念。
不会流泪，只是会不舍。

路，还是要继续的走下去。
前进的牺牲吧？

有时候，问题不在于没有方向，
只在于过度的舒适；在这个圈子里的温暖。

最近都在和一位网友聊天。
年纪大家都一样，
但是，
她已有的是一切，我却还需烦会不会毕业。

哥说，

life is hard, only for those who don't push hard, or work smart.

突然觉得这该是我下一步的成长吧？

她年纪十八开始创事业。脑袋里装的不是书本上的知识，而是人生路过点滴的经验。
她说，这都是当初努力而得回来的成果。

哥哥本身其实也是很努力的一个人。从小就羡慕他事事都有本领，得到了很多我只能发白的梦想。但他说，一切都是努力。

this is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
fifteen percent concentrated the power of will
five percent pleasure, five percent pain,
and a hundred percent of reason to remember the name.

我觉得我杂念太多了。是时候专心了。

当时基于上运气，只有会把握它的人才不会吃亏。

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
Marking the end of lots of stuff.

unstable concussion.
----------------------------------------------------------
戴佩妮 - 不知道她陪伴了我多少次。




多少个秋　多少个冬　
我几乎快要被治愈好
但还是会只因为一个重覆的话题　
就无心自扰

也曾想过　若真遇见　
我们应该如何是好
我想我还是会还站在某一个街角　
不让妳看到

只因为我不想打扰　
只因为怕妳解释不了
只因为现在妳的眼睛里　
他比我还重要

我只好假装我看不到　
看不到妳和他在对街拥抱
妳的快乐　我可以感受得到　
这样的见面方式对谁都好
我只好假装我听不到　
听不到别人口中的他好不好
再不想问　也不想被通知到　
反正妳的世界我管不了

若不想问　若不想被通知到　
就把祝福　留在街角

SummerAir'11 - Desires

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

I talked to a friend that day. About love, relationship, partner, what we look for in that other half. It is nice to see we have a similar goal. It's just sad that the path that we choose to take is totally different. It opened a new set of question: what my life would be without Jesus?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

8 months ago, for the first time in my entire life, new old alike, I drew out a goal for myself. I call it the 3D, or three desires. As I began to walk into the end of the life as a bachelor student, I, like most of people out there began to start working on at least two out of these three desires:
Relationship,
Career, and,
God.

I started to work on these three fields, and things seemed to come smoothly as I wanted it to be. Or I thought too far ahead of myself.

--Work--
I got a internship job in ZF Friedrichshafen AG, which is one of the famous companies typically around Konstanz Lake, or Bodensee. It was a choice to make, and a choice that I made from a pool of limited choices. But what great was that, the tasks during the internship were what I wanted to go further deep into, and it was offered by this company, the only company that I love during our excursion to these companies some months(years?) back then.

But it was sort of a bad call; the company is located at Friedrichshafen, which is over 3 hours plus train ride from Stuttgart, where my church is. I consulted people around me, and for sure that those who has the veto-power in my life had placed their "against" votes. But for once I ignored them. I asked, if Jesus were sent to desert to be tempted 40 days before He started His work, I would like to be tested as well.

That was my initial thought. And God tapped me with a gentle warning of the potential dangers that lie ahead:

will I be able to stand firm? 

He literally broke my leg, upon which we human stand firm on. While I was waiting for my leg to be scanned in Karlsruhe Hospital, my heart cried. I was scared. Not just because of the potential of being inability to play badminton (or just generally do sports), but I scared I will fall ( as in my faith). I prayed to God that if He knows I can out-stand the tests, let them come. And I got my job here. And to be honest, it is all-in-all because of God and mercy, which I let Him to be my goal.

--God--
Knowing that by deciding to come to Friedrichshafen will be a sign that I will be partly detached from my current house church, I really thank God that He gave me the strength to shun away all the evil thoughts and ideas that might stop me from continue to stay within Him. And God is faithful; He didn't let me be tempted beyond what I could bear. And when I were being tempted, He provided me a way out so that I could stand up firmly under it. (1. Corinthians 10:13 NIV my version). And I'm really glad now, because as I come to the end of this testing period, I think I did quite not bad ;) okay partly because God has sent dozens of angels to guide me in this timeframe.

--Relationship--
It's personal actually, which a lot of people misunderstood, because it is personal. I don't look for perfection, for I know that I am not perfect. I look for perfection in God, for the sheep who knows the shepherd's voice (John 10:27) are perfect because our Father is perfect (Matt. 5:48) (to answer one's question whom I refused to answer by then). I look for someone with whom I can serve God with. Someone who loves God more than she loves me. That we are both bind to each other because we love a love that comes from God who is love (1. John 4:8) and first loved us (1. John 4:19) (to answer someone else's question whom I refused to answer by then too). I wanted to work on from there. Towards her.

----

These were the three desires I had six months ago. Two were slowly taken away and one remained - the desire for Him. And it took me that six months long to find out where I did wrong. And God never fails to carve the lessons deep enough for me: Of all places, I learned the following lesson in the city of lusts and desires surround: Amsterdam.

At Gilbeon the Lord appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream, and God said, "Ask for whatever you want me to give you."
Solomon answered, "You have shown great kindness to your servant, my father David, because he was faithful to you and righteous and upright in heart. You have continued this great kindness to him and have given him a son to sit on his throne this very day.
"Now, Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. Your servant is here among the people, too numerous to count or number. So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernemnt in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for - both wealth and honor - so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in obedience to me and keep my decrees and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.

1. Kings 3: 5-14 NIV Italics mine

I was reading this passage during a night when we were in Amsterdam. Solomon asked for wisdom and later he became the wisest king ever in his time. But I felt convicted by Holy Spirit that time. It is normal for human to have their own desires and wishes. As for me, I consider myself as the abnormal one and it is not common for me to have desire for something, in this case the three things mentioned above. What convicted me were the lines, which I italicized above: It might just look as plain as "Solomon asked for wisdom from God to govern his people". But take a look at God's reaction:

He was pleased that Solomon didn't ask anything for himself. He didn't ask for wealth, nor long life; he asked for wisdom. It might sound as if the wisdom that he asked for was also for his own benefit. But God, who sees through people's heart, was pleased at him because his request was for God's people and not for himself. Making a short comparison between mine and his, it is very obvious that why God had shut the doors for the other two of my desires but left one - the desire for Him. On top of that, the song that was playing in my phone was "One Desire" by Hillsong in album Blessed:

This is my cry, my ONE desire, is to be where You are Lord.

It literally stunned me of how and what I have been doing. My desires are all for myself and my own benefits: I want to do my internship in ZF and later on do my thesis and after that straight away work in the company. I want this lovely girl and we can serve God together. 

Talk about God has prepared someone for me. It sounded to me more like "God, make her mine".What were all of  my desires about? Me and myself. Myself and I. Me, myself and I. One of the famous verses in New Testaments speaks it all:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33 NIV

The only desire that comes from ourselves as Christians is to have desire for Him. To seek His kingdom. To seek His righteousness. To build a Father-son relationship with Him. Not just to come to Him only to ask and to make request. Not just come to Him only when we are in trouble. Not just come to Him only when we need him. The truth is, we need him all the time. I listened to a podcast sermon given by a friend of mine. It talked about our purpose as Christians. And Holy Spirit convicted me because it is always in our prayer that we ask, we make request, and we wish for something, as if God is a Fontana Di Trévi. Well, he actually is, in fact, he is better because God will provide us the desire for something which is aligned with his purpose and call for us. And He doesn't require you to throw money into it -and still being unsure if your wishes will come true or not. No! All you need is to remain in Him, by walking in obedience to Him, and to keep His decrees and commands as David did (1. Kings 3:14).

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4 NIV

Is our desire God? Is my desire God? It is a good question to ask ourselves each day. And be blessed.

Jayesslee and their mom

Listen to their testimonies. God is faithful.

*touched*

SummerAir’11 - 感谢主

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
Everyone has his/her own personalities. If I cannot hate, I will avoid.
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It was just another fine Monday. Two among us had to fly back to Stuttgart. After sending them and watched them walked into the Terminal tunnel, we were left undecided. It is not because of we didn’t know what else we wanted to do, but about what we could do – everyone was quite tired. But Still, it would be a waste if she were to go back to Hostel with us to rest. She had never been to Berlin, it was her first daylight day in Berlin, and, after all, she wanted to walk around in Berlin too.


I was undecided. It is not because I wanted to go back to rest, but I was still injected with “I –Kiss-Dating-Goodbye” sorta mood and well, I took the pill “to avoid one-boy-one-girl situation”. The consequence wasn’t just about I didn’t walk the talk, or the taught, but I knew, or I thought, I would be flamed (as always).


Nevertheless, in the end I decided to go along with her and bring her around, to those places that I had been to already, twice. I actually did pray before we started our one-on-one trip – I pray that God would guard me from either doing anything stupid, or pouring out anything unnecessarily. I knew myself to the extend that I knew what I would do or say.


We separated from the rest at the Hauptbahnhof (main train station). We took an S-Bahn that heads to where we would like to go: the Island of museums. I called a Berliner-Malaysian to see if he was free already to bring us around, since he should know Berlin much better than me. He told me that the Ost-Berlin (east-side of Berlin) was raining heavily. I couldn’t believe. Although it wasn’t super sunny, it certainly didn’t look like it would rain any time soon. It rained, however, like cats and dogs. There’s where I learned my first lesson.


We hopped off at “Hackerscher Markt”. It was raining and the wind was blowing. We were stuck in the stop. I complained to myself (like I always do), “great, how are we gonna go out and take photos and walk around?” If you know me well, you’d probably picturing me and my stressed-mood, complaining. She stepped closer to the exit, looked at the sky, and acknowledged that it was indeed a heavy downpour.


But she said, “we can’t stop the weather from raining, but we can pray. And if it is our Father in Heaven’s will to let us out to play, the rain will stop. But maybe He wants to water the plants on the ground. No matter what, however, we should be thankful.” And she prayed.


I was partly affected by the impact of the rain against our plan, and stunned by how she interpreted the situation. But for that few short seconds, I was speechless.


Amen.


We chatted for a while, while looking at people running in and out of the station. But to my surprise, after a few minutes, the rain stopped. It seriously stopped. I got excited, “yay we can go out to play again!” My heart beamed.


She, however, said to me, “we should remember to be thankful”. And we gave thanks to God for answering our prayer and let us out to play.


In the end we took a lot of photos and I learned quite some techniques and we lived happily ever after.
No, that’s not how it ends. It wasn’t a Disney fairytale.


--


It was just a simple story. A simple yet a real story. It sparked a thought in me. It showed the contrast between us. The level of faith and submission and obedience. In tough situations, I complain and have anything to be blamed on. In complicated situation, I try to change the course of how things will happen, in accordance to how I want it to be. In situations where I cannot control, I let it lose. In short, I messed things up.


The lesson that I learned here wasn’t about God answering our prayers. In fact, who are we to demand God to have our wishes and desires fulfilled? Every prayer that we made to Him will no-doubly reach His presence, but as human we tend to forget, that of all things that we can strive to take control of, we can’t stop time for flowing. He is a God of providence – He will provide, only when He sees the situation fits.


It is about one of the fundamentals of following Christ – we acknowledge that He is our Creator and for that we give thanks to Him. We give thanks, because as how He chooses to give, He owns the authority over us to take as well. One of the verse in Casting Crown’s song always resound in my head:

I’ll praise You in the storm.

How many of us can actually praise Him when we are in real bad situations? In crisis? In deep troubles? In a hole? I must confess that I myself for one couldn’t do it. I want to learn to live it out though, while it certainly looks like I’m on the training and test field, considering all the things that are happening around me. Nevertheless, it is so easy to blame – even to blame God Himself – than to give thanks to Him, and pray:


“Lord, what do you want me to learn in this situation?”


It must be a conscious decision to make, at least to myself.

These (trials) have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even through refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1. Peter 1:7 (Parenthesis mine)

How many of us are to see this coming? I wasn’t. But I do want it now. It isn’t about how many blessings God has given us, nor about how tangled a complication God wants you to see it through, but about giving thanks to Him, who knows us much more than we know ourselves, and loves us, much more than we love anyone else. Jia Jin did tell me to face all the messes, which I created for myself in the first place, with another new attitude, rather than that of how I always unconsciously used to face them. I guess this is what he meant back then.


In fact, there are a lot of things for us to be thankful to God for. The question here remains, is that whether we are humble enough to be grateful for? A simple test we can do is to jot down 10 things of what we can be thankful to God for. Let’s be concrete.


1. I thank You God, that You still woke me up in time to go for work, although I turned off my clock alarm.
2. I thank You God, that You brought me safely to my workplace, before the rain started to pour down.
3. I thank You God, that You provided me enough wisdom I need to solve the programming tasks from my boss.
4. I thank You God, that You provided me enough wealth to live through the days.
5. I thank You God, that You give me a good physical health and speedy recovery after the trip.
6. I thank You God, because You provide me with wonderful amazing people – those who already know you and not alike – who chain sparks of  thoughts in me to live a better life in Christ Jesus.
7. I thank You God, that whenever I face temptations You give me the strength to walk away than to drill into it.
8. I thank You God, for all the lessons that You taught me, despite the fact that they really came in a heavy price to pay.
9. I thank You God, that in times when I desire to do something unfavorable in Your eyes, You reminded me of Your great love for me.
10. I thank You God, that despite I feel different being in this society, Your faithfulness remains.


And I thank You Lord, for this wonderful piece of beautiful memory and lesson to learn.


I won’t dare you to do this, but feel free to give comments of 10 things you feel thankful to God for.


Be blessed. And remember, 感谢主。

Recovery Mode

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
I just came back from a super tired trip. Super tired, but fun. And mom, if you are reading this, I'm alive and kicking and back working so do not worry about me okay ? ♥
 ------------
Lately things are in recovery mode:
physical health: recovery mode
personal life: recovery mode
HTC Ace: recovery mode
blogspot: recovery mode
thoughts: recovery mode
finance: recovery mode

I am still working on reconstructing the thoughts that I gained during this SummerAir'11 trip. A lot of things I have learned, and most of them are through the hard ways. A lot of new experiences, a lot of new findouts and of course, I know more about myself.

Despite all these, I couldn't help but to really be amazed by God and His love for me throughout this walk alongside with Him. When it seems like God is somewhere far far away from me, especially when I was in the hole (or holes), it really took me quite a long time to understand the thumb rule of digging: When you are in a hole, stop digging.

Below are some highlights of the thoughts I had during this trip. I will cover them in details when I done in linking the thoughts and ideas together.

1. 感谢主 (Berlin)
2. Desires (Amsterdam)
3. Blame
4. His Timing (Prague)
5. Heart (Paris)
*ignore the parenthesis because it is only for my references.

Until then I sincerely wish that my beloved friends to stop asking me questions regarding this trip. I am still fragile from, as I've said, the hard ways and still and will only deal the issues with God and God only.

ye enough of the introduction and the sad faces. I am actually quite excited to read these future posts as well.

Another thing though: my faithful readers would've known by now that the blog was under construction yesterday. The thing is, I decided to give up on enhancing the blog, mainly because it is time consuming and I don't have good experience nor knowledge regarding xml-editing and thus far all I've been doing was wolf-fencing and trial and error methods and it is really really tiring. Oh maybe I will add another post to explain the meaning of "wolf-fencing". It's a term used mainly in programming world. It is a way to do debugging in code clean up.

Until then, the world still spins, the mind still working, and my work in my company still on-going, although I'm actually kinda sad that I couldn't do my thesis there. And I haven't talk to my boss regarding this change in academic plan yet.

To leak out some darkened thoughts, I would use the parable:
"Humpty dumpty is already sitting pretty on the wall and shouldn't look over those spoiled eggs too seriously that can't even reach above the wall. The moment the humpty hump down and check if the eggs are in fact rotten is the moment humpty becomes a dumpty and loses the touch of faith and fall".

Enough of an advice, eh? But maybe that's why humpty dumpty had a great fall in the story after all. LoL.
and all the king's men, and all the king's horses, couldn't put humpty dumpty together again.

oh and p/s: I will honor my promise.
p/p/s: Pat, I in fact really love to use parables.
p/p/p/s: no no, those weren't misses and tears =P

okay, I'm not emo. Seriously speaking here. =)

Skyscraper - Demi Lovato (Megan Nicole Cover)

[Verse1]
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

[Chorus]
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper

[Verse2]
As the smoke clears I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows still are broken but I'm standing on my feet

[Bridge]

Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here

感谢主

感谢主，因为你把我们平安地送回到目的地。
感谢主，因为你在我很需要你的时候及时伸出你那舒服的双手，维护着我。
感谢主，因为你带给我们一个晴朗的天气。
感谢主，因为你让我在困扰、埋怨中学习如何相信你。
感谢主，因为你让我学习如何感恩。
感谢主，因为你我不缺少。
感谢主，因为你让我学习到要以不自私的态度去面对生活。
感谢主，因为你我要更加地相信你。
感谢主，因为你撑着那些会落下的眼泪。
感谢主，因为你教导我去学习放下。
感谢主，因为你教导我去学习依靠你。

感谢主，唯有为你我会勇敢地活下去。

马太福音第6章33节：你们要先求祂的国、和祂的义这些东西都要加给你们了。

阿门。

sulk.

B-e-a-utiful–Megan Nicole

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
A new favorite song from her.
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If only she knows…

[Verse1]
She read me the note he left on her bed
Snuck in her room right after she left
And put petals on the ground
Her head on his shoulder they walk down the hall
I'm left to wonder will I ever fall in love
And where is he now

[Pre-Chorus]
She's with him, I'm in the back seat
Know it's not right but it hurts when they're laughing
And I've never been where they are

[Chorus]
I wanna be blown away
I wanna be swept off my feet
I wanna meet the one who makes it hard for me to breathe
I wanna be lost in love
I wanna be your dream come true
I wanna be scared of how strong I feel for you
Just call me beautiful, Call me beautiful
Call me beautiful, Call me b-e-a-utiful

[Verse2]
Friday night she wore his jersey to the game
In the front row screamin out his name
As he turns to her and smiles
Every where I look people holding hands
When am I gonna get my chance at love
My chance at love

[Bridge]
My heart is waiting for your love
My hand is waiting for your touch
My lips just wanna be kissed by you

heart

spent the whole time to hands on into the code myself.

Hard it is to write a new code, but it takes lesser time compare to relearn what others have done. And you know where what happened instead of playing wolf-fencing for a day.

I know I love and I'm loved. People are precious. You are precious. because what they can give is nothing I can never hope to have. Love.

And where the very first love come from Christ alone. We love because our heavenly Father first loves us.

Thank you. Thank You.

There will always be things that I have to do it myself, along with God. There will always be a place where others cannot follow. But for everything else, I know I have you. And still I have You. And forever we have You.

droplet

A drop of happiness, it's just like a vague of light, shining in the complete dark.

It is warm :)

knocked

You seriously shut my door.
And I seriously failed to say "Thy will be done", despite I said I will.
what a petty human.

I have my plans fixed.
You changed it.
And I seriously failed to say "Thy will be done", despite I said I will.
what a petty human.

I couldn't wait.
In rush I acted.
You have your timing.
And I seriously failed to say "Thy will be done", despite I said I will.
what a petty human.

I wandered.
I cried.
I am disappointed in myself.
You are still faithful.
And I seriously failed to say "Thy will be done", despite I said I will.
what a petty human.

Into the belly of the fish I went and hid.
Still am I befound by You no sweat drip.
For no matter how far I choose to pit,
how I deep I choose to creep,
how distant I make from You bit,
Your eyes see me, when mine are still blinded.
Your mouth speak to me, when I can't be silenced.
Your steps You make known to me, yet still I am stumbled.
Your plans revealed to me, yet I'm stubborn to be submitted.
You are still faithful to me, even when I have complained.

How truthful can a man a promise make,
when he cannot even tell if the time is late;
How much more then can he fake,
when all he has is by God's sake;
This same lesson then he should take,
before the Lord Christ Jesus coming back.


what a mess I'm in, again.

Fly Love - Jamie Foxx

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
Wow blogspot layout changed. haha.

-----------------------------
I think... I'm in love. Not in love with someone, but just I'm in love of being in love. If you get what I mean.


oh in case you all wonder, I recommend this animation Rio. It explains the most popular game Angry Birds Rio's stages situations. You understand the game if you watch this movie.

so sweet, the lovebirds.

Fly love.

Memory dump–heat sink

Don’t read. You are warned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once a while when I get tired of being stuck in busy life and some personal issues and struggles, I always open my Beautiful Flowers to reread some memorable words and encouragement from those who left something in it.

I’ll be fine. I told myself.

When all else fades, I know where I am going.

The hardest step one can ever take is the one that is painful, and often it puts one to tears. Despite the present, those who hold on in walking the path are the one who will triumph against the evil and the wicked. And the eternal glory is what that will put a smile on one’s face. I guarantee it.

I believe in fairy tales. That no matter what I’m going thru, I am not alone, for God is walking with me. This journey is ever awesome because of His presence. In Him I will put my trust upon. It depends on how you think about it, but God has His own “happy ending” for each and everyone of us. Are you seeing what He wants you to see in yourself?

Keep me in prayers. This road not taken is harder than it looks to be. I know where I am going, I know the future is secured in His hands. But it is the presence that is hard for me to deal with.

Things aren’t like how they used to be. Decisions after decisions… at the end of the day, remind me that it is always He who is in control of everything.

---

Sometimes I do confused: Am I dealing with the consequences by doing damage control, or am I solving the cause? Just when it seems to be crystal clear, I found I making mistake. Sigh.

---

The more I understand you, the more I realize that I don’t understand you at all.

---

and I’m not so sure anymore.

---

*closing the book*

good to be home. Sorry some grunts and complains. You chose to read it and I need to dump those rubbish emotions and thoughts. So it is balanced.

Good to be home.

I really feel good to be home.

You know I really feel good to be home.

or perhaps you don’t.

Das Festival 2011 – A Look Back

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Seriously, after Beauty and the Beast, I think Tangled is the next Disney cartoon that I like. Congrats to Disney for the successful 10th princess story in 50 years and to Many Moore for outstanding voice for Rapunzel. I love this song; it’s called “I See The Light”, sung by Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi. It became my favorite worldy song since 2 days ago. I’m thinking of covering it, but maybe I need a girl to do duet with me.

I See the Light–Mandy Moore & Zachary Levi

I See the Light – Mandy Moore & Zachary Levi

[Rapunzel.Verse1]
All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I’ve been

[Rapunzel.Verse2]
Now I’m here, blinking in the starlight
Now I’m here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it’s all so clear
I’m where I’m meant to be

[Chorus]
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

[Eugene.Verse1]
All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things the way they were

[Eugene.Verse2]
Now she’s here shining in the starlight
Now she’s here, suddenly I know
If she’s here it’s crystal clear
I’m where I’m meant to go

**

Okay that’s more like a “big talk” than “small talk”.

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Okay some of you might know that I’ve been saying how God “slapped” me, in a way, before, during and after Das Festival. It’s an annual church camp organized by Hope Germany and this year the topic was based on Romans 8:14

“… because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.”
Romans 8:14 NIV

For me, what I picked up the most from Paul the apostle’s letter to Romans was that we are to constantly check ourselves what is the driving force in our lives. It usually can be anything and it differs from a person to another. But the fundamental principle is this: All else will fade other than God’s faithfulness to us. Therefore, it is always the best choice for us to have this driving force, powered by (Spirit of) God, for God, and to God. As we all long to live to be righteous, God made it clear by saying

“For in the Gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written (in Hab. 2:4): ‘The righteous will live by faith.’”
Romans 1:17 NIV, Parenthesis mine

Are we living by faith into our God, whose name is worthy to be praise forever and ever more? Or are we still being indulged with the sinful nature of the world?

1. Don’t judge others

I do believe God has the power to change a situation 180° in a blink of eye, the question is only about if He is willing to, because if He does, will the people involved give Him credits and glory, or will they just be happy with the change? In other words, God tests our heart and through the test He wants us to know our heart. Therefore most of the time God changes people through time. Where am I getting at? I really thankful to God, for He has shown me mercy, by putting me in Germany, to learn to grow spiritually, and He has placed people, the people in the house church around me for that very own reason. A month ago God started to work in my by putting me into a situation where I have to explain some of my actions, and was rebuked by one of the members that I was being judgmental against other people. In short, I label, tag and judge people according to what I’ve seen what they have done.

I had a thought in mind, that I want to only really befriend with people whose intelligence are higher than me. I kind of like looked down on and didn’t want to mix with people who I judged as less smart than me, because I think it is just another waste-of-time thing, neither does it help in my personal growth. But I was convicted by Holy Spirit through verses in Romans.

“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
Romans 2:1 NIV

and

“Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his (or here) own master he stands or falls. And He will stand, for the Lord is able to make him (or her) stand.
Romans 14:4 NIV, Parenthesis mine

On top of that, I was confronted with verse from Romans 12:16. I shouldn’t look down on other people and only befriend with those I think worthy to befriend with. Instead, I should be willing to associate to different people without any discriminations.

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”
Romans 12:16 NIV

It was so intense and real, for God didn’t just throw me with the verses; He first reveal my problem through other people and then through series of events and Bible verses. I asked for prayer from Jia Uei and asked for forgiveness from the people whom I have judged. I pray that I will not repeat the same problem, for Christ Jesus Himself didn’t look down on other people, nor did He judge others in His own human form. And we are called to be Christ-like.

 

2. Repent, so that God can work in me

For the past 3 years, my prayer never differs from “Thy Will be done”. Matthew 6:9-13 has been my daily prayer:

“Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us away from the evil ones.”
Matthew 6:9-13 NIV

Somehow I was quite troubled by the fact that God hasn’t been using me well. At least I haven’t know what are His will for me. I know He would definitely show it to me as He promised in Jeremiah 29:11. Sometimes I did get impatient. But as I was reading Romans in the train, Holy Spirit confronted me:

Qi Hao, Qi Hao, how am I supposed to work in you, for your stubbornness and unrepentant heart blocks every signal from all channels I intended for you?

True enough, a lot of people, including me, have been complaining about how God doesn’t do what He promised His people. We indirectly put the blame on God and make excuses by saying God has His own timing and we should wait. Yes, God definitely has His own timing, but I guess God is not the God who lets us wait for nothing. He make us wait for Him, to test our heart, to teach us how to be faithful, but of all, He doesn’t think we are ready to receive what He has for us. God doesn’t want us to wait passively, but while waiting for Him, we make ourselves ready.

He says,

“But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God (said in Proverbs 24:12) ‘will give to each person according to what he has done.’ To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, He will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking, and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.”
Romans 2:5-8 NIV

“therefore, I urge you, brothers, (Qi Hao), in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer in the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:1-2 NIV, Parenthesis mine

And to be real krass:

“Those controlled by sinful nature cannot please God.”
Romans 8:8 NIV

 

3. fear of God

To fear God – that is another prayer that I lately prayed for. I find that I don’t fear God, unlike those people in the Old Testaments. My stand was that God supposed to be our friend and He definitely seemed to be much friendlier in the New Testaments.

“There is no fear of God before their eyes”
Romans 3:8 NIV

On that subtopic, Paul mentioned about no one is righteous. A little look up in other verses I found that actually we are called to fear Him:

Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.
1. Peter 2:17, Underline/bold mine

“Great and marvelous are Your deeds,
Lord God Almighty.
Just and true are Your ways,
Kings of the ages.
Who will not fear You, O Lord,
and bring glory to Your name?
For You alone are holy.
All nations will come
and worship before You,
for Your righteous acts have been revealed.”
Revelation 15:3b-4 NIV, Underline/Bold mine

I want to learn to fear Him, the King of all kings, Lord of all lords, and the creator of the world.

 

4. Submit to authority

I must confess that it is hard for me to bow down and submit to someone who is near of my age, or someone whom I much consider as friends. So in the midst of transition of “throne” within our house church, I find myself to pay less respect to the leaders. And for that, I “earned” myself a slap from God.

“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exists have been established by God.”
Romans 13:1 NIV

okay to put it a little bit more krass:

“He (They) is (are) God’s servant(-s), an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoers.”
Romans 13:4b NIV, parenthesis mine

I will pray for them, our new leaders. And I will pray for myself, pray that God will correct my heart and show respect to these God-appointed people.

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Hold On – 33 Miles

[Verse1]
I’ve been there a thousand times,
I’ve felt the rain like a thousand knives.
And it hurts,
I know it hurts.
I’ve been there like a fighting plane,
Trying fly my way through the hurricane.
And it’s hard,
I know it’s hard.

[Pre-Chorus1]
Don’t be afraid,
You’ll make it through,
Just call out to me and I’ll come running to you.

[Chorus]
Hold on, hold on!
When the current pulls you under,
and your hearts beats like thunder.
Just give me your hand,
And hold on, hold on!
Until the storm is over,
And I’ll be fighting for you,
Just give me your hand and,
Hold on!

[Verse 2]
I’ll give you hope, I’ll give you faith.
And if it’s dark, I’ll like the way,
For you, for you.
By your side until the end,
Until you’re standing tall again,
I’m here, I’ll always be here.

[Pre-Chorus2]
And if the tide, sweeps you out to sea,
When your strength is gone, and it’s hard to believe.

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enough to chew for quite a long time. But I pray to You, Father, as You have reveal all these things to me, I pray that You will teach me to learn all these lessons in me. I pray that Father, You will change my heart and to allow You to be the driving force of my life. I pray that Father, I will not be stubborn in my head, but to let go the anchor that binds me down, and let You to be the wind and guide my path in accordance to Your will that You have for me. Father I know that You have plans for me and Lord, I know I have not been given to things I don’t deserve, because I am not ready for them. Father, I want to pray to You, to give me lessons and the desires to be ready for You. For You alone knows the past, current and the future. Draw me close to You, Father, and never let me go, because You’re all I want and You’re all I ever needed.

Draw Me Close To You

In Jesus’s name I ask and pray,

Amen.

Where The Love Lasts Forever

..::*+ Small Talk+*::..

---

You know what, I'm glad that I am surrounded with lovely people, especially people in my House Church. We're more than just being family - we are the organs of this body of Christ. As always we did have tons of yummy food and spent great and wonderful time together. But this time it was really special, at least to me. It is not only because of the YUMMMMYYY food, definitely not only because of the full-attendance after... i lost count of the days or months, not only because of meeting up everyone, but it was also because of my hot seat.

Yea. My hot-seat. What happened...?

It's funny to say that I must admit that day, and of course the few days before when I did my preparation, I know myself the most out of these nearly 23 years of existence in this world. As I was preparing my umm.. speech, I prayed and redrew the time-line of Qi Hao...

If I tell you that I was a very egoistic and confident person, would you believe me? But the fact is, I was. And although I've did this few times before, but this time I see clearly of myself. I saw my rise, I saw my fall. And what made the difference is that I saw intercession - God's intercession - in my life, no matter how desperate I am to deny it. It was different, because I know to be thankful and really treasured what God has changed my life, slowly. He planted the seed. And I saw people nurturing this seed, so that it grows on the good soil. Looking back, I've changed. Not because of myself, but because of God's intercession, and He used people - the good and the bad - to draw me to open and receive this gift that was paid by the blood of Christ Jesus.

I saw myself fall. I saw I broke and dislocated my elbow. I saw I hurt a friend of mine who was sitting beside me in Primary Two. I saw myself passed PTS and skipped Primary Four and had been playing catching up ever since. I saw myself being shouted "go away" at the basketball field. I saw myself being slapped by my dad because I wanted to say I'm not good in art but he misunderstood me. I saw myself crying in bed because no one, even the doctors, believed that I dislocated my elbow, despite me kept requesting "please look at the x-ray scans. I saw myself dropped from rank 1 to 5th in Under-12 badminton group in SBA, because of this injury. I saw myself hiding, after being asked "why are your elbow a little different?"

Yes, I saw things just crashed at the age 10/11. Tried my best to hide my tears but at least I managed to go through my speech before I broke down and cried. There were things that I never tell anyone before, but I told these group of people during the hot-seat. I wanted to share, but I was being shameful, and worried if I were to tell someone. Even those who I really appreciated. But somehow Holy Spirit gave me this courage to share the night before and during the hot seat. It is okay to tell them, my heart said. It is because these are the people who are there to protect you and not to harm you, people who are there to help you grow in Christ.

Being in Germany isn't about studying the cars and engine and automotive and the culture alone. What I gained the most in Germany, is that this faith can grow. This journey has started since long long time ago. I am so blessed to able to make this decision to follow Him. I am blessed to have a great mentor, whose life shows the glory of God and I want to make my Daddy proud as well. I am blessed to be in this house church.

I made a statement that day, that I want to be like the rest of them. I feel lacked, because I am not having as much knowledge about God as they do. I want to be like them, not because they are biblical strong, but to have such an intimacy with God. I want to know God. I want to be equipped and be prepared not just for myself,

but in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

1. Peter 3:15a NIV

Apart from that, I'm glad that I really worked through about my strengths and weaknesses. I've known myself to be people-oriented than task-oriented and I haven't been putting that gift to good use. I've known myself to able to play good supportive role and prefer to do stuffs practically than learning the theories. I've seen my potential danger to be passive and doubtful. I've seen myself to afraid of being neglected and being alone. I've seen myself not able to withstand bad start. But the truth is, how many people out there have not once screwed up their lives before. I really admired and being inspired by the story of how Jia Jin and Steph met each other. It is not because I've heard it, but because I've seen it. It really sets a good example for me and a n encouragement, that despite bad things that happened, God will do great things in everyone's life, if only we let Him to do His work.

Heavenly Father, I thank You, Lord, for what You have done in my life for the past 22 years. You've planted the seed years ago and I'm thankful for the people who were there to make this seed to grow. Father, I thank You for all the lessons that You've taught me. Father, I want to pray to You, that You will continue to reveal to me the how deep is Your love for me, and I pray that I can have this desire to love You, like how You love me. I also want to pray that You will continue to grow me up, and continue to equip and use me. Send me as You pleased, and I will go. Use me as You wish, and I will follow. Guide me as You love, and I will listen. Lord, there are a lot of things that I don't know about You. But Lord, You see this hunger and desire to know You more and more. Who would I be, if Your mercy were not there to found me, at that broken road. You lifted me up beyond my failing, into Your eternal glory. You dissolved my shame and sin, and now forever Yours I'll stand. Help me to set my eyes on You, because when all else fades, I know, that my soul will dance with You, where the love lasts forever.





in Jesus's name I ask and pray,
amen.

Ostrich

The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,

but they cannot compare with the pinions and feathers of the stork.

She lays eggs on the ground

and lets them warm in the sand,

unmindful that a foot may crush them,

that some wild animal may trample them.

She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers;

she cares not that her labor was in vain,

for God did not endow her with wisdom

or give her a share of good sense.

Yet when she spreads her feathers to run, she laughs at horse and rider.

Job 39:14-18 NIV

are we not the same?
This pride. You are a big issue.

Daniel Chen

8 years ago, he wrote 1. Corinthians 13:4-8 in my diary.
8 years ago, I looked down on him.
8 years ago, I thought he wasn't as intelligent as me.
8 years ago, I didn't treasure him that much because he wasn't that cool.

8 years later, I find myself crying, broke down.
8 years later, I feel ashamed of myself.
8 years later, I truly respect him.
8 years later, I find myself have been taking 1. Corinthians 13:4-8 for granted.

It is amazing how and when God has started to work in me.

If 8 years are needed for God to remind me to love, who am I to dare to complain that I wasn't loved?
If 8 years are needed for God to remind me to be humble, who am I to dare to be proud of myself, in His presence?
If 8 years are needed for God to get my respond to His request, who am I to demand Him to answer mine now?
If 8 years are needed for God to finally see His effort bears fruit in me, who am I to demand Him to bear fruit for what I am doing?

Faith of a 3 years old baby complaining to God who has waited 8 years without any complaints...

He (Jesus) replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Matthew 17:20 NIV Parenthesis mine.

This is my prayer: Father Lord, it took you 8 years to see the seed You sown to stir impact in me. Father Lord, You have seen my heart, You know where it has scarred, You know where pride has been built up, You know the self-defense mechanism in me, You know every sins that I did, I do, and I will do. You have shaped me, even before I was formed in my mother's womb. You have planned me. Lord, Jeremiah 29:11 was one of the very first verses that You made known to me. Honestly, I don't have that faith to trust in that. Lord, teach me Your way. Even to just have that tiny little faith of a mustard seed. A faith not just to believe that:-

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

but also to:-

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity."

Jeremiah 29:12-14a NIV

Let me not to demand You only to reveal Your plans and Your will, Lord, but to look to You, and search You, and come to You, and pray. Set me free from this captivity, Lord. Teach me not to dwell into this fallen world, but to remain in You, just as You remain in me.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

1. Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Amen.

幸灾乐祸的人也蛮不少的。

=/

Speak.

I wondered hard about all the changes that I am experienced.

Two weeks later I'll be the one sitting on the hot-seat in my house church meeting. I started to think about all the changes that I have and still going through and I understand how the seniors felt last time as they use the word -eingedeutscht. It means "germanized" and I have seen that in me, after some serious intense self-reflection. This internship semester really taught me a lot about how Germans work and how they deal with stuffs.

I saw these two colleagues of mine quarreled about Microsoft Word 2003 and 2010 the other day and it seemed pretty intense and the voice was quite loud. It was a "不欢而散" (unhappy) ending and I thought that would be the end of their friendship. But yesterday I saw them hugging each other can laughing about some other thing. It made me think of the professionalism in the working field that one should have, and that is what I've been learning too - to deal with the situation instead of the person. I find it hard, if you ask me to smile back to the person whom I once hated. I remembered clearly it was a house church retreat two years ago and I was pretty much damaged by some personal issue and it seemed like "to hell I would forgive this person and forget the damage that inflicted on me" that kind. But what I learned from my mentor was that, God didn't ask us to forget the scars that others wounded us. But God asked us to forgive the person who wronged us instantly. It is not written "forget us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors", but "forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors". Let God to deal with the depth of the scars that others wounded us. God asks us to go to Him and let Him to heal the wounds completely. Let me just come to You, Father, for it is only You who knows what where when who whom how.

-

Yesterday's house church it was meaningful for me. I've been listening to the song "Fire Fall Down" that I've posted in the previous post. And James is playing the song "All For Love" too. Today is a day when I recalled about my first encounter with God. I remembered clearly when those first few who were with me when I accepted Christ prayed for me, and this burning fire that burned me, and I dropped to my knees in worship. It led to some inner tears, of how I nearly to forget that wonderful first encounter.

Late at night I had a good chat with Kee Yie and Grace. I thank God for putting me into such a wonderful house church with wonderful people. What we have in this group of people are talents, skills, hearts, thoughts, intelligence (this is so dangerous to claim :S ) but most of all, warmth. The group of people who don't judge me. Who listen to me. Who point out my mistakes. Who don't beat around the bush. Who love me. Who lent me a shoulder when I want to cry... I really think this is one of the best experience I have in Germany. "Transparent, honest, and a little hurtful" - Jia Jin you surely put that spot on. *respect*

Thanks people. I definitely feel much much better now. And thanks Grace for the thoughtful chat. And Pat too. I don't understand it until you all explained to me. It was really a new lesson. This weekend was meaningful. I feel like crying now, again.

It is because I am blessed with you wonderful people.

p/s: shout out to Billy, James, Dann, Bryan, Kee Yie, Pat, Grace, Jia Jin and Steph (I miss both of you!)!

--

I also learned another lesson. All these while I have been having my own plan. 3, 5, 10 years ahead... I have planned. I know what I want, and I want to invest time in them. It is my desire to have these and that... What Kee Yie said really stuck me:

"I will slap you in your face!"

Okay not that. it is about God's plan. All these plans that I have are actually based on myself and me seeing myself. It is a self-centered thought. I justified myself by saying that if God decides to reveal His plan for me now, I will stop all these and to follow His. But is it really so? Although he didn't say it, but it made me to think:

"If I already have my own plan laid out, I will most probably be NOT wanting my plan to be disturbed. And I would most probably shut off my sensors to receive what plans God want to reveal for me. So I would carry on with my plans, and ignoring His. And I will complain say that God hasn't tell me His plan for me. Is this even right at all?"

I'm still chewing on these. And I don't think I am ready to swallow it in. And if I do it would most probably choke me to death. But I call for a stop. I want out of my own desire. I don't want to keep dealing with emotions and keep causing others to misunderstand me. I don't want to act hero and do things on my own. I am tired. I am disappointed. I am wrecked. I am distracted. I am stubborn. I am justifying, even at this very moment.

There are things that I still hold on tight to myself. Tear down these walls, Lord.

I want to have all day sitting at the balcony and just meditating on Your Words and giving praise and worship to You. I want to listen to You. I want to stop walking my way to destruction (amplified). I want to turn around. And I want to walk back in the light of Your glory. It might be hard. Yea it definitely will be hard. But I will prepare. I don't want to have selfish thoughts even after I choose to follow You. I let my words be few. This temple is Yours.

Show me Your heart,
Show me Your way,
Show me Your glory.


"Speak, Lord, for Your servant is ready to listen."

Why....?

[11:06:56 PM] Vincent: why Job keeps kao peh kao bu one.....
[11:06:57 PM] Vincent: :/

wait. That sounds like me. Sweat.

Worth

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
broken because it is worthy to be whole again.

----

Read Job yesterday. And I don't think it's a coincidence that I was urged to read Job. I'm still at the first few chapters and I felt ditto to see Job and I are actually quite similar:

We are good thank-you-very-much when things around us are going bad. But not when things are happen in us. When things are happen in me. God made deal with Satan to allow him to tempt and test us. To test me. But this life - my life, your life, our lives - Satan cannot and will never able to take away from us. That of course, is beyond what we can bear already (1. Co. 10:13). As long as well live - no, I should say, as long as we live in God - our lives cannot be taken away from us, as we were already dead when we decided to give up our bad lives in exchange of another new, when Jesus died on the cross for us. It is our old lives that Jesus bought with His blood. My life, your life, our lives, and are nailed on the cross and are buried along with Him.

As long as we make the conscious decision to follow Him, we'll never be the same as our old selves. No, I will never be the same. And it is because He came to fix my broken life, the wall between me and God is torn down. And I will sing to glorify His Holy Name, Jesus Christ the Lord.

As we seek, Your fire fall down, Your fire fall down, on us we pray - on me I pray.
Show me Your heart, show me Your way, show me your Glory.



I thought I was happy because I am smart to solve a mathematics question. No, I'm joyous because I am in Him and He is in me. :)

wrecked.

It is been a long long while since the last time I had this kind of feeling.

I suddenly cannot strum guitar - tempo off-ed, fingers numbed, breath choked, something in stomach...

I tried to go into the mood of worship.
Tried to sing.
Tried to strum.
The songs I used to play.
The songs that touched me.
The first love.
THAT first love.

I end up crying... because I can't.

Definitely something is bothering me. Read back few pages of My Utmost For His Highest. Began to notice I began to feel proud about myself and finally realize the meaning of being humble but remain faithful.

All of our thoughts are known to God. He can understand what is in the mind of the Spirit, as the Spirit prays for God's people.

Roman 8:27 CEV

Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You see through every inch of me, and You know what is wrong, even I do not know it myself. I pray to You, Lord, that as I'm in such a situation, I pray that You will reveal to me the reasons behind all these. Holy Spirit, please keep me in peace. In Jesus's name.

Amen.

Being a criminal - first thought.

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
It wasn't accident. And it doesn't feel good.
---------------

These 2 days I have been troubled by ONE dream. I don't really know why, but last night was the second day of these series of dreams, as if I'm watching a television series.

First day of the series:
It starring me as a successful and influential person. And somehow I was filed for being the mastermind behind a fraud and another cyber crime, or something like that. (I couldn't remember what I was charged for, it was 2 days ago and I didn't take the dream seriously). But one thing for certain, whatever those crimes are, I am certain that I didn't commit them in the first place. So I was taken into custody by the police. (yes police again, this month seems to be about police and not-my-wrong doing). Since I know myself very well that I am clean and have no guilt, why not, because the truth will be revealed if one doesn't do wrong.

But someone else was behind the scene, manipulating the scene, and making the process of me "surrendering" to the cops harder. Arms and gunpowder got involved as the police force made their way to arrest me. There were shootings, but I don't remember if any blood spilled. Who were the people who "defended" me, I don't know. But eventually they were annihilated by the police force (yay, good guys win), but I was forced into surrendering act - you know, the hands at the back of your head while down on your knees and forehead on the ground thingy. The police force took me. They were armed and equipped with kevlar armor, just like those in movies.

And that was day 1.

---

Day 2:
So the interrogation process began and I was asked questions about the crimes that I was charged. But obviously I couldn't answer any of them, because I didn't do it. Nevertheless, the police just wouldn't let me go, until I was proven innocent. While I was sitting in front of the table, a female policewoman passed by. To my disbelief, she was my junior secondary schoolmate. Actually she was a year younger than me. And I don't know why she appeared in this dream. She looked at me, gave me a nod, mixed with disappointment some-sort, and walked away.

I demanded fresh air. So two of the policemen took me out from the office (interrogation) room. To my surprise, it was a Japanese style garden with the wooden paths surrounded a pond, roughly 15mx15m square. They sat me on a wooden bench. So I was sitting there, facing another building in front of me. Suddenly another policeman walked out from that building, and stood at the far left corner of the pond. So what separated us was the pond and some fishes in it.

Our eye-contact met. His lips bend up and gave me a wicked wink. I was like "what the heck?" and he called me to go over to stand next to him. He was holding a pistol in his right hand. So I obeyed. I moved and stopped right next to him. He whispered, "run" to me, and while I was lost to figure if he had a double-meaning, he rose his left hand revealing some sort of remote control and pressed the only red button there. That building which I was looking at moments ago exploded and flame burst out from it. Next the bench that I was sitting exploded as well. Soonish, like in 5 secs the area was in fire. The 2 other policemen on-scene were already unconscious. He dragged my hand and forced me into a run. Sirens everywhere, I wanted to stop running, for I wasn't guilty in the first place, but his firm grip left me no choice but to run along with him. We ran along a downhill path and err.. we came to a train station. He jumped across the ticket-checking barrier and I didn't know why I followed. The train was waiting for us. And as soon as we hopped in, it moved, and the next station showed on the LCD-screen: MidValley. =.= I felt guilty for running away from something I didn't do and I looked like as if I really committed the crimes. I felt like giving in and take up all the blame and admit the crimes I didn't do. I noticed a girl was standing beside me. She was the bear-with-an-umbrella. And she told me, "you can either give in, not being who you are; but you can also be patient, and wait for the Lord, and...". (I purposely dropped the last part of the sentence, let's not make things to be awkward)

And I woke up. And it was 7.20am in the morning and I was late.

---

Obviously, the dream was sooo real, for both days. I couldn't recall much of the details on the first day, obviously I thought it was just-a-dream. I am worried, tonight it'll continue again. A little scared though, because it was sooo real can; I still remembered the 2 policemen's faces. Who were they? I'm not familiar with them. Pretty "amazed" that my mind actually generated some random yet so-real people.

I prayed. I'm kinda confused of the dream. It definitely touched my weaknesses and some personal issues, which are:
1. being passive and letting situation devour me;
2. not being patient;
3. not consulting the Lord;
4. not being still;
5. not having a peaceful heart.

And these are the things that I just prayed for. Too real to be true. But I shall trust in the Lord always.



A song to end this post.

Vincent, signing out.