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You know what, I'm glad that I am surrounded with lovely people, especially people in my House Church. We're more than just being family - we are the organs of this body of Christ. As always we did have tons of yummy food and spent great and wonderful time together. But this time it was really special, at least to me. It is not only because of the YUMMMMYYY food, definitely not only because of the full-attendance after... i lost count of the days or months, not only because of meeting up everyone, but it was also because of my hot seat.
Yea. My hot-seat. What happened...?
It's funny to say that I must admit that day, and of course the few days before when I did my preparation, I know myself the most out of these nearly 23 years of existence in this world. As I was preparing my umm.. speech, I prayed and redrew the time-line of Qi Hao...
If I tell you that I was a very egoistic and confident person, would you believe me? But the fact is, I was. And although I've did this few times before, but this time I see clearly of myself. I saw my rise, I saw my fall. And what made the difference is that I saw intercession - God's intercession - in my life, no matter how desperate I am to deny it. It was different, because I know to be thankful and really treasured what God has changed my life, slowly. He planted the seed. And I saw people nurturing this seed, so that it grows on the good soil. Looking back, I've changed. Not because of myself, but because of God's intercession, and He used people - the good and the bad - to draw me to open and receive this gift that was paid by the blood of Christ Jesus.
I saw myself fall. I saw I broke and dislocated my elbow. I saw I hurt a friend of mine who was sitting beside me in Primary Two. I saw myself passed PTS and skipped Primary Four and had been playing catching up ever since. I saw myself being shouted "go away" at the basketball field. I saw myself being slapped by my dad because I wanted to say I'm not good in art but he misunderstood me. I saw myself crying in bed because no one, even the doctors, believed that I dislocated my elbow, despite me kept requesting "please look at the x-ray scans. I saw myself dropped from rank 1 to 5th in Under-12 badminton group in SBA, because of this injury. I saw myself hiding, after being asked "why are your elbow a little different?"
Yes, I saw things just crashed at the age 10/11. Tried my best to hide my tears but at least I managed to go through my speech before I broke down and cried. There were things that I never tell anyone before, but I told these group of people during the hot-seat. I wanted to share, but I was being shameful, and worried if I were to tell someone. Even those who I really appreciated. But somehow Holy Spirit gave me this courage to share the night before and during the hot seat. It is okay to tell them, my heart said. It is because these are the people who are there to protect you and not to harm you, people who are there to help you grow in Christ.
Being in Germany isn't about studying the cars and engine and automotive and the culture alone. What I gained the most in Germany, is that this faith can grow. This journey has started since long long time ago. I am so blessed to able to make this decision to follow Him. I am blessed to have a great mentor, whose life shows the glory of God and I want to make my Daddy proud as well. I am blessed to be in this house church.
I made a statement that day, that I want to be like the rest of them. I feel lacked, because I am not having as much knowledge about God as they do. I want to be like them, not because they are biblical strong, but to have such an intimacy with God. I want to know God. I want to be equipped and be prepared not just for myself,
but in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.1. Peter 3:15a NIV
Apart from that, I'm glad that I really worked through about my strengths and weaknesses. I've known myself to be people-oriented than task-oriented and I haven't been putting that gift to good use. I've known myself to able to play good supportive role and prefer to do stuffs practically than learning the theories. I've seen my potential danger to be passive and doubtful. I've seen myself to afraid of being neglected and being alone. I've seen myself not able to withstand bad start. But the truth is, how many people out there have not once screwed up their lives before. I really admired and being inspired by the story of how Jia Jin and Steph met each other. It is not because I've heard it, but because I've seen it. It really sets a good example for me and a n encouragement, that despite bad things that happened, God will do great things in everyone's life, if only we let Him to do His work.
Heavenly Father, I thank You, Lord, for what You have done in my life for the past 22 years. You've planted the seed years ago and I'm thankful for the people who were there to make this seed to grow. Father, I thank You for all the lessons that You've taught me. Father, I want to pray to You, that You will continue to reveal to me the how deep is Your love for me, and I pray that I can have this desire to love You, like how You love me. I also want to pray that You will continue to grow me up, and continue to equip and use me. Send me as You pleased, and I will go. Use me as You wish, and I will follow. Guide me as You love, and I will listen. Lord, there are a lot of things that I don't know about You. But Lord, You see this hunger and desire to know You more and more. Who would I be, if Your mercy were not there to found me, at that broken road. You lifted me up beyond my failing, into Your eternal glory. You dissolved my shame and sin, and now forever Yours I'll stand. Help me to set my eyes on You, because when all else fades, I know, that my soul will dance with You, where the love lasts forever.
in Jesus's name I ask and pray,
amen.
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