On one hand, I know I love to care about others, seeing them growing up and stuffs like that. On the other hand, it's also opens up myself to be hurt.
And because I am struggling with self-esteem, I get hurt so easily - by people whom I love, people whom I opened up myself to.
That's when words count. Words destroyed. And this pathetic little guy got hurt. A big chunk of confidence were disintegrated, just like that.
People in this world are selfish, suck it up. Regardless of whether they are Christians or not, regardless of how much we talked or promised to God that we want to be Christlike, to the very core, human still fail. Accepting that we are all sinners and that is the norm of it, move on - that's what people would say.
How much does it take to destroy a person? I asked myself. The only good thing about me being stubborn is that I refuse to accept that this is what God intended. No, His intention is beyond all these broken sins. We are all created in His image. That's how it should be. That is the standard. Yes we have all fallen too far away from that. But this is not the state that I'm gonna settle with. Because God is real.
But yes, I'm still human. In this crossfire between Godly Standard and Human Norm I got hurt. The struggle between Godly Standard and Human Norm destroyed me. It got amplified by the fact that I'm a low self-esteem person. I sucked up a lot. And now it burst. It tore down the confidence I'm trying to build in myself.
Jesus, why would you die of sinners like us? Of course, the grace abounds stronger. That price of sins - we failed to understand. It's death. That's the exchanged currency - the exchange that we have. The exchange that we can't give. Nevertheless, the exchange that God sees noble.
It hurts so so bad, just because I'm not Jesus. I felt the same hurt and disappointment that God is feeling, every time we sin. The difference is that He hasn't given up on us, whereas for myself, I feel discouraged, alone, hurt, unappreciated, and pathetic. Yep, I did promise myself that I will not rant, but this blog, today you need to withstand the storm.
I feel like quitting everything. But then again, it's the same with people, no matter where I go. And I don't know how to face this either. Quitting life isn't an option too. And hence the struggle.
Yeah and that's pathetic. But sincerely, what can I do?
