How to let go? The Prologue

Today right, I finally skipped a class. It was an accident though, due to my failure to have discipline. I set my alarm at 6.45am (GMT+1) and yes, I heard it rang. But my 'natural reaction' helped me off the alarm and continued to sleep. Guess what, I woke up at 8.45am. Somehow, I felt like scolding myself. But then, never mind. It won't happen again. At least not tomorrow.

Lately I came across the movie "The Matrix" so I decided to watch it again. And somehow, I felt strange about life. Well, I know I should be thinking about my stackings of projects but my mind kept on thinking about things going on in life. And I even thought about things like: Everything is based on something else. Or rather to put it clearly: Everything has relation to another thing. Or sort of like "Vincent's relativity theory".

Ok, I started off my thinking: How do you know that the "time" that I'm having now is the same as your "time"? Or, the color "red" that I see on my laptop's wallpaper is the same "red" that you see it? Could it possibly like the "red" that I see is the "blue" that you see?

I ran my mind far far far. In the end I came to the conclusion: I will never know the answer because I don't have anything to refer to. I don't have a "standard" that I can compare to. So is this life: Life without a standard. For us Christians we know that we have a standard to follow: Jesus Christ. But to be honest, none of us really live a life like Him. Although He is our standard, a lot of times we just divert away to other standard: Wealth, pride, honor, land, women, men, sex, weed, whatever. I felt very bad about myself. A lot of times I know what I really should do but in the end I wasted time on internet, time on blogging this post. I said I wanted to find a job at the beginning of this semester, but now I have done nothing. I said I wanted to go play Cardiff Games but in the end I didn't do anything. I said I wanted to continue the method that I used in Mathematics 2 last semester but now I'm doing nothing.

I'm just wondering. Am I really such a kind, that I'm easily swayed around? Last Sunday during the discussion in Church Stephanie mentioned that

human always look for the better good. How? They tried this and when it's done but cannot find the satisfaction, or whatever, they turn to something else. And the cycle continue on and on and in the end people don't know where to go, without a clear standard.

I kept quiet that time. I can't stop to think that I'm much of that kind of person. I play football, badminton, basketball, tennis (yes, I'm serious), DotA (oh here it comes again..), Counter-Strike, TreeTag, PudgeWars, Go Fish!, Fifa, PES (Pro Evolution Soccer), O2Jam, Siedler (OH YES), and the list goes on, but I mastered none. Even Siedler I can't win on my "home ground" but lost to him. Nevermind, this was a joke. But my point is, yes, which one am I really good at? None.

Let's move to another example: I want to play guitar, keyboard, cajon... But again, which one I mastered? None. I said I wanted to work in the third semester, so called following footsteps of the legendaries. But now what the heck I'm doing? I'm barely can manage my studies. Speaking of which, now here's the real thing: I want to take Mathematics 3, Messtechnik, Sensorik, Aktorik, Bauelemente, Fertigungstechnik, Technische Optik 1, Physik 3, Elektronische Schaltungstechnik, Technische Dynamik, Praktische Informatik, Elektrotechnik 2... Oh my God, now that I've listed it, it really f-r-e-a-k-s me out. I got 12 subjects to take. And I think I'm going to screw things up.

Jia Jin told me, after all those times in Germany, now is the time to learn the meaning of letting go. Indeed, I saw my hero-act in my last semester. I got 1,0 (perfect!) for my Mathematics 2, and 5,0 ("PERFECT!") for my Elektrotechnik 2. It was an accident but... I shall not blame on other thing; it's my fault to remember the formulae wrongly.

Now that it's time to register the examination subjects, I really want to do things carefully. I don't want to be hero again. And I don't think I can do it this time. All hardcore subjects. Even seniors adviced me to drop SOME. Yes some, not just one subject. This is what frusted me, besides the not-knowing-how-to-move-on projects. And yet I'm now blogging now. Should've been studying now right? Sad.

So in life - a lot of things I should learn not to be stubborn but to give up, letting it go and let God. Sigh. Yea Jia Jin you really hit me real hard - it's DAMN hard. I don't even know how to choose. I don't even know what I want in the first place. That day he finally returned to his "real self": Blasted me with a question that really filled my eyes with tears (now you know): "I know where I am going and I want to be a teacher. At least that has confirmations from God. What about you?" I was bashed. Stunned.

I...

really...

don't...

know...

sobs.

"Welche Richtung?"

A quote that I came out when I was playing badminton last time. It means "which direction (are you hitting the shuttlecock to)?" The irony is, it's actually a question to myself. Welche Richtung am I going? I don't know. But I know that all those who succeded in life know where they're going. That's what made them different from others. That they have plans for their future and they know what they are doing. At least this is the common attribute that I see in those outstanding people. I want to shine as a star too. I mean, who doesn't? But... What am I doing? I don't even know.

"Worship leader? Singer? Composer? Badminton player? Normal church goer? Computer games player? Consumer? Worker? Contributer? Engineer? Mechatroniker? Consulter? Councellor? WHATEVER? Loser?"

I...

don't...

know.

Last Sunday also Katie who moderated the service mentioned that "we got Malaysian top students like Qi Hao"... I sweated. I don't deserve of this. I felt the guilt in me...

Seriously, I need to learn to give up things. I need to learn to prioritize things in life. I don't want to choke myself to death. Again. Sigh. And sorry I let go-ed my emoness again in two consecutive posts (excluding the last post). I just saw and felt the stress and the heaviness of the weight of things now. I'm more emo than Yi En's emo look.

Sorry if I disturbed your feelings. But allow me to put something cheerful here. It was something that me and James crap-talked:

ku rasa sedih

sebab muka hodoh babi

itu dicakap oleh Billy

sedih aku dia perli

aku mimpi

mimpikan ***hi

tapi aku sunyi

sebab ***hi punya hati

takde di sisi

ataupun sini

dia happy

sebab selalu dipuji

cantik lagi lagi

so mana sesuai jadi

teman wanita Vinci?

tapi segaya Leonardo da Vinci

patutlah tak dapat yang diimpi

tapi ada harapan lagi

hanya kalau you sudi

Sudikah anda?

LoL. Whatever.

Nevermore-birthday

I used to remember that I always described him as Nevermore, one of the Defence of the Ancients (DotA) heroes. His shoulder always high up, state of confidence, which he always has. He has skin of snake, dried to the extend that sometimes you can't stop yourself for moving your hand to 'p-e-e-l' the skin. He'll bite back. For sure.

I like him. LoL. Ain't gayish or whatever but seriously, I like him. We like to talk things that only we two understand. We like to practise 'behind those words'. I don't know, but we seem click well with that, that we undertand what each other talking about.

But the funny thing is, we have a lot in common. And I mean A LOT. Almost all the trips we went together. Funny. He likes DotA as I do. Funny. He likes sentimental music as I do. Funny. He likes Genie Zhuo as I do. Funny. He likes... He loves... He do... as I do. F-U-N-N-Y.

But of course, due to this very similarities often we 'quarrel'. Haha. But sometimes I really scared of him. Haha. I still remember those scene when he sorta angry one me. My bad yea yea.

Often we hate each other: He hates me disturbing him. And I hate him treating me c-o-l-d. Haha. And the list goes on. I wonder how it'll end. It won't. *Winks.

But of all, the thing that always keep myself laughing is that, although he always say that I snore during sleep and she (huhuhu) don't like guy snoring, little does he know that he also snore. Haha. It scared me up when I was having sweet dreams. Shh... =P

But, although it's already a week and a day passed, I hereby officially say:

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO YOU, Burung Besar/Big Bird/大鸟... haha. Old already okay, so stay young. Keke.

Oh by the way, seriously he's a smart person. Very excel in studies, which often I wish I'm just 10% of him. That would be more than enough for me. And he always sing THAT song from Lee Hom, as if telling her how much he misses her. LoL. Personal speculation. I don't know =D

Polar Kor kor, happy birthday yea. Don't complaint we these friends who don't give you presents okay. Want blame go blame the fat Sg.Pelikian. Hahaha.

Shall write a better one next time. LoL.

p/s: pat, if you're reading this, this is not a long post already. Haha. =)

h.a.p.p.y.

why oh Billy why?

Malam kesunyian bulan menerang,

Rahsia yang lama tersimpan di dalam hati terbongkar dengan mudah.

Aku tak berdaya.

Tak berdaya mengukuhkan benteng yang selama ini aku perbaikikan.

Sekali ini, soalan yang senang, tapi bagaikan senjata yang ketajaman tak berpenghujung,

menembusi segala-galanya.

Air mata mengalir, terkenang balik perasaan yang lama tersesar di jauh sudut hatiku.

Aku... boleh, kononnya.

Hakikatnya, peluang bagaikan bunga yang indah. Indah, tetapi pendek umurnya.

Aku ingin menyimpannya sebagai gambar.

Namun, betapa cantiknya bunga di dalam gambar, keharumannya tiada.

Aku, sedih.

Aku, menyesal.

Aku, emo.

Tapi, takkan lari gunung dikejar, ribuan kilometer bermula dari langkah pertama.

Kononnya itu dipanggil "first blood" anda?

Bolehkah? Bolehkan?

Entah. Namun, aku rasa, aku ada sedikit rindu padanya.

Entah. Namun, aturan itu panjang?

Entah, rasanya dia tak tahu pun.

Entah, rasanya tiba-tiba emo.

Entah, jangan beritahu dia.

Entah, jangan peduli saya.

He said, human loves the far but sees for the near. I wondered myself. I think, I want to see far. I want to love the far at the same time too. But, as far goes, can she hear me? Near, are you really near? So close, yet so far. I want to smile like them. I want to... nevermind.

Far cry? Cry far? I don't know. What seems mastered but feel as if noob. The broken pick. The quiet guitar. The unpowered piano. But for the coming cajon. Why? I don't know. It's the junction, again. Left, right, or forward? Maybe return?

Maybe I don't know,

What inside your mind defers than I,

Cannot hear me is you,

Or that person is 'ICH'?

Ever I wish the dream comes true,

Until now it remains truth and STILL,

Love in you I am,

Reading first then last of each will BE,

I want to tell you,

I really miss you.

Okay, I think I confessed. LoL.

Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent 2009

I can't embed it here, it was disabled from youtube. But watch this. Latest season of Britain's Got Talent. Must watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk

Enjoy.

by the way, look at the count: 19 millions (till 4:16pm, GMT+1) in 5 days. What say you?

and by the way again, search "elaine paige" in youtube and look at the comments. LoL.

Enjoy.

Prague Trip

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Tired. Worried. Sigh.

++

Okay, before anyone getting tired of my blog without pictures, and before I lose the motivation to blog about my trip, I shall update about my trip to Prague. I left for Esslingen on Thursday night, and reached there arond 11.30pm (GMT+1). Should've joined them for Siedler before that. Haha. Anyway, the next day morning we started our journey to Prague. The very very long journey. We're all like some illegal immigrants. Haha, this picture tells everything no?

And that's how we were. On the way we didn't know where to buy train tickets and luckily we were in the same compartment with a Cechz who works for Panasonic and he became our translator when the officer came. We bought our tickets and it's really cheap compare to the tickets in Germany. Anyway, let's have the pictures do the talking from now on eh?

Day1:

It's nice, isn't it? Charles Bridge, more romantic than Paris and Eiffel Tower.

Bachelors, the three.

Tesco in Cech Republic. Germany don't have.

Museum that we didn't go.

The "Königsalle" in Cech.

And as always, food category.

Pork ribs.

Knee of pork, or Schweinehax'n in Deutsch.

Goose meat.

And my Cech-money 445 Half roasted duck. The ratio is €1 = 27 Cz.

Nice sunset.

I like this picture.

Charles Bridge, again in night view.

The castle.

The lonely bench.

The violinist. Cool.

Day2:

Basically we went to visit the castle there. And it's really full with people.

The cathedral.

Castle and people.

Flowers... Macro rocks.

He wanted to shoot someone.

Loreta.

The clock that I don't know how it functions.

I like this too.

Of course, my jumping series never end.

Tell me that you're sorry and you go and cut me down.

Skies are blue. Sky is yours.

Day3:

After a tired walk, we went for Starbucks. A wink, a smile from the worker in Starbucks =D

We rented bicycles and rode around the city. Tired, but fun.

Swans.

Spring is here. What awaits me ahead?

If the flower understands me...

Famous typical Cechz bread. Nice.

Another castle.

I like this restaurant. Cheap, nice design and nice food! =)

well, that's all from me. More pictures you all can go my Facebook. Or if you have not added me, follow these links:

Part1

Part2

Part3

Oh yea, if you want to go Prague, go with your other partner, as I've said, more romantic than Paris. And Prague is a nice city. =)

That's all from me. Signing off. Hungry...

1 2 3 4 - Plain White T's

Please support:

Again - Yui

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Aww... I forgot to tell everyone: Tomorrow I'll be going Prague... Tuesday will be back. Don't miss me yea. I know you will. Hehe.

Another thing, some of you might have notice an imposter using my name at my cbox. To whoever that is, don't think yourself is smart. You see, I have your IP address. No matter how many IP you can change, I can always block you. You NOOB.

Yes, he/she pissed me off. I'm serious.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This is the current song that I like now. Hope you all will like it too. It's Full Metal Alchemist Season 2's opening.

Lyrics:

夢の続き　追いかけていたはずなのに
Yume no Tsuzuki Oikaketeita Hazu Nano ni
I should still be chasing after my dream.

曲がりくねった細い道　人に躓く
Magarikunetta Hosoi Michi Hito ni Tsumazuku
But someone tripped me on this narrow road that is full of bends.

「あの頃みたいに」って　戻りたいわけじゃないの 無くしてきた空を探してる　
“Ano Goro ni Mitai Ni”tte Modoritai Wake Ja Nai no Nakushitekita Sora wo Sagashiteru
I’m searching for the sky that you’ve lost sight of, but it’s not as if I want to return back to the “old time”

分かってくれますように　犠牲になったような　悲しい顔はやめてよ
Wakattekuremasu You ni Gisei ni Natta You na Kanashii Kao wa Yamete yo
I shouldn’t put up a sorrowful act and expect people to understand that I was a victim because of it.

罪の最後は涙じゃないよ　ずっと苦しく背負ってくんだ
Tsumi no Saigo wa Namida Ja Nai yo Zutto Kuroshiku Seottekunda
Sins does not end with just tears. I’ll always have to bear that pain.

出口見えない感情迷路に　誰を待ってるの
Deguchi Mienai Kanjou Meiro ni Dare wo Matteru no
Who are I waiting for in this maze of emotions that doesn’t have a visible exit?

白いノートに綴ったように　もっと素直に吐き出したいよ
Shiroi Nooto ni Tsuzutta you ni Motto Sunao ni Hakidashitai no
I need to be more honest and write down how you really feel in that white notebook.
何から逃れたいんだ　現実ってやつか
Nani Kara Nogaeretain da Genjitsutte Yatsu ka
I’m running away from something. Is it reality?

何のために　生きてるんだって　
Nan no Tame ni Ikiterundatte
We live for some purpose.

忘れちゃいそうな　夜の真ん中
Wasurechai Sou na Yoru no Mannaka
Even so, it seems that I’ve forgetten about it in the dead of the night.

無難になんてやってられないから　帰る場所も無いの
Funan ni Nante Yatterannai Kara Kaeru Basho mo Nai no
I’ve no place to return to because I didn’t handle things in an inoffensive way.

この思いを消してしまうには　まだ人生長いでしょ
Kono Omoi wo Keshiteshimau ni wa Mada Jinsei Nagai Desho
Isn’t it still too early in life for me to forget those memories?

懐かしくなる　こんな痛みも歓迎じゃん
Natsukashiku Naru Konna Itami mo Kangei Jan
Why can’t I get use to this pain and accept it?

謝らなくちゃいけないよね　あぁ、ごめんね
Ayamaranakucha Ikenai yo ne Aa gomen ne
Oh, I must apologize. Ah, sorry.

上手くいえなくて　心配かけたままだったね
Umaku Ienakute Shinpaikaketa Mama Datta ne
I made you felt uneasy because I wasn’t able to say things in a tacful manner.

あの日抱えた全部　明日抱える全部　順番つけたりはしないから
Ano Hi Kakaeta Zenbu Ashita Kakaeru Zenbu Junban Tsuketari wa Shinai kara
Eventhing that took place that day. Everything that will take place tomorrow. Everything was not done in sequence.

分かってくれますように　そっと目を閉じたんだ　見たくないものまで　見えんだもん
Wakattekuremasu you ni Sotto me wo Tojitanda Mitakunai Mono Made Mienda Mon
In order to understand what happen, shut those eyes so that you are able to see what can’t be seen.

いらない噂にちょっと　初めて聞く発言どっち
Iranai Uwasa ni Chotto Hajimete Kiku Hatsugen Docchi
I’m going to start to make a proposal about unnecessary rumors.

向かい合ったら友達だって　嘘はやめてね
Mukai Attara Tomodachi Datte Uso wa Yamete ne
I won’t lie even towards friends.

赤いハートが苛立つように　体の中燃えているんだ
Akai Hatto ga Iradatsu you ni Karada no Naka Moeteirunda
A wave of excitement is washing through my body, stirring my red heart.

本当は期待しているの　現実ってやつか
Hontou wa Kitaishiteiru no Genjitsutte Yatsu ka
I’m actually waiting for it. Reality that is.

何のために　生きているんだって
Nan no Tame ni Ikiterundatte
We live for some purpose.

叫びたくなるよ　聞こえていますか
Sakebitakunaru yo Kikoeteimasu ka
Even so, I feel like shouting. Can you hear me?

無難になんてやってられないから　帰る場所も無いの
Funan ni Nante Yatterannai Kara Kaeru Basho mo Nai no
I’ve no place to return to because I didn’t handle things in an inoffensive way.

優しさにはいつも感謝している　だから強くなりたい
Yasashisa ni wa Itsu mo Kanshashiteiru Dakara Tsuyoku Naritai
I’m always thinkful for the kindness that people show me, that is why I want to become strong.

進むために　敵も味方も歓迎じゃん
Susumu Tame ni Teki mo Mikata mo Kangei Jans
Shouldn’t I be willing to face both enemies and allies so that I can proceed on?

どうやって次のドア開けるんだっけ　考えてる
Dou Yatte Tsugi no Doa Akerundakke Kangaeteru
I’m thinking only about how I can open the next door.

もう引き返せない　物語始まってるんだ
Mou Hikikaesenai Monogatari Hajimatterunda
It’s already too late. The story has already started.

目を覚ませ　目を覚ませ
Me wo Samase Me wo Samase
Wake up! Wake up!

この思いを消してしまうには　まだ人生長いでしょ
Kono Omoi wo Keshiteshimau ni wa Mada Jinsei Nagai Desho
Isn’t it still too early in life for you to forget those memories?

やり残してることやり直してみたいから　もう一度ゆこうか
Yarinokoshiteru Koto Yarinaoshitemitai Kara Mouichido Yukou ka
Why don’t I once again try to redo things that can be redone?

何のために　生きているんだって
Nan no Tame ni Ikiterundatte
We live for some purpose.

叫びたくなるよ　聞こえていますか
Sakebitakunaru yo Kikoeteimasu ka
Even so, I feel like shouting. Can you hear me?

無難になんてやってられないから　帰る場所も無いの
Funan ni Nante Yatterannai Kara Kaeru Basho mo Nai no
I’ve no place to return to because I didn’t handle things in an inoffensive way.

優しさにはいつも感謝している　だから強くなりたい
Yasashisa ni wa Itsu mo Kanshashiteiru Dakara Tsuyoku Naritai
I’m always thankful for the kindness that people show me, that is why I want to become strong.

懐かしくなる　こんな痛みも歓迎じゃん
Natsukashiku Naru Konna Itami mo Kangei Jan
Why can’t I get use to this pain and accept it?

Credits to iShare. Anything please direct to the site. =)

Some updates

Nah, not going to blog something 'grand'. Just want to update some happenings here in Germany.

Well, 3rd semester has started nearly a month already and things were and will be very hectic for me. Firstly I never come to deal with so many things in a row. Secondly it's about the bad time management lately.

First. I see a lot of chances in this semester. I'm going to be 'extreme' this semester: I'll be attending 2 classes at the same time. What am I talking about, you might ask. Well, let's go into some further details. I guessed most of you knew that I failed Elektrotechnik2 last semester. Oh no, you all don't know; you all know the first part of the story only. So let's have a story-telling time, shall we?

The Story-Part2: Last semester I did VERY badly in Elektrotechnik2 paper during the exam. As in, 2 hours and I 'amazingly' memorized wrongly the equation and that error really seriously demotivated me. Imagine, 5 out of 7 questions were to use the SAME equation that I happened to be memorized wrongly. And that equation was the very first part of each question. Meaning, if you can't work out the correct number, you screw the other parts. So yes. Failed. That was something, to be honest, really demotivated me, A LOT.

End of the story. So basically I have to repeat the paper again. And this time the lecture class happens to be clashing with my Hauptstudium's subjects (as in subjects higher semester). Yes, mark my word - it's subjectS. So did I do a kagebunshin? or taju kagebunshin? No, I made an agreement with my other fellow fallen heroes (sacarstically =S ) so that all of us never miss any of the classes. Sounds good? But it's really hard. Projects coming, have to concentrate in class, and some bad time management (mahjong till 5am, rush homework till 5am... etc) in the end, I felt like I'm not like what I was last semester. I wish I'm Patricia, for she is always injected with excite - Auf Deutsch sagt man "super begeistert" - for I am easily moved and so-called 'touched' by surroundings. Yea, my bad.

That is the bad news from me. And also the reason why I've been blogging craps in the past few posts. Not craps really, just some personal grunts and Malaysian Chinese (must be specific) say "sien-ness" of life. Msn was attacked by unknown Virus that I don't even know how on earth did one of the .exe (executable file) of the chatting messenger was modified. You can have my words that I can judge which links are spams and junks. But... nevermind, logged it in my X-files.

Let's go to some brighter update. So basically I see GREAT AND TONS of opportunities this semester. First of all, I have chance to sweep 6 golds in badminton this year (damn confident lol) but the sour part was that I couldn't organize a PROPER trip to Cardiff for Cardiff Games. So bye bye 2 golds. And now, the upcoming one would be MGSS Badminton Championship (oh well, I named it myself, not officially called so). It'll be scheduled on the 1st of June, directly after my Church camp. And yea, I know I'll be super tired. I just don't really know how to decide. Markus seems to hold me on for sure to help him on the last day. Oh well. We'll see. Another thing about badminton is that we're now in a discussion with the Esslinger to have our badminton session at both places, as in like playing Home and Away. Malaysians only, of course. So far nothing has come out, but I guess most probably it'll come to an agreement soon, that we swap venue on every Friday.

And speaking of Friday, it'll also be the time where our practise for Worship session of my church. Yes, I joined the Worship team of our church. It's a great thing and a great opportunity but the schade (sad) part is that it'll clash with my badminton. I've spoken to the leader and yea, we'll see what will happen. And oh by the way, I sort of disappointed of myself today because of some technical (or rather, musical) issue in my House Church. Well, I thought I have the confidence to lead the song "Now that You're Near" but in the end screwed it up. Not really that bad, just that, well, I expected more from me. But to not drifted away from current topic, what I wanted to say is, please pray for me, pray for a solution for this situation.

And about music, I'm currently into learning some music theory on my own. I have a e-book with very detailed teachings to get a hold of music theory. And my senior Jonathan had left me a keyboard, so I decided to use this opportunity to learn something. Further more, one of my badminton-mate-to-be, also my super grand old senior, Shee Lay, he is a great pianist (real professional I tell you, and I can say that until now, I never see any of my friends could play better than him. Sorry, because this might offended you all. Haha. The great thing is that he offered to help me out, if I want, of course. So it's really something that I felt very very very fortunate to have this chance.

Anyway, about my studies again, I've been told that many projects will come to find me soon. Or rather, some had already haunted me. Bedingte Längenkodierung über Fibonacci-Reihe. I had some progress about it, but at the same time, I heard that EST's project isn't easy, so... sweat.I just hope I could finish all of these on time. By the way, the EST is not English for Sciene and Technology, but Elektronische Schaltungstechnik, which is a VERY HARD subject with lots of homework. So I've been working on the homeworks and some, or rather, little, self-revision and gosh, it really takes time. And with the current progress, I got the feeling that I'll be 'fishing' in class if there's not change in everything. So, need to rearrange and manage my time wiser.

Okay spiritual part. Basically I always enjoyed talking to some very nice people from the other far end of the earth. Earth has no end, by the way. People like Amy, Anna, and just 'nearby' France's Gareth, I really enjoyed talking to them; we shared our spiritual struggles, thoughts, joy, peace with God etc etc. I just wish I can spend more time in this, but I also aware that I'm really very noob in managing my time. So, maybe this is also something where I need to throw some thoughts about. And about our Cellgroup, God is so great that we're now in a growing process. We have Helen, Wengkhong and the fatbear James from my junior batch and also the funny American Megan who wants to marry only to guy name Jones so that she could name her daughter Indi (or sort of) so that people could call her "Indiana Jones" =.=" Lame I know, but haha, she really came out with a funny joke. And also we have a girl name Claire Yang from Taiwan+US, who sooooooo excited over a German boardgame name Siedler. Yes, we all have been playing that game for quite some times, and the very 'cunning' one always won. Hmmmph. Haha. Nah, no offence, just for laugh. Only he himself know that I'm talking about him. LoL. I gave hint. or sogar hintS =.=" But anyway, I'm very happy to see the growth and I can see great things ahead =)

And just another piece of thought outside topic, I do feel that a lot people are too proud of themselves. The way they talk to me, I somehow feel personally attacked. I don't want to speculate or judge if they're really that mean or whatever, but then, I just hope people would be more sensitive of other people's feeling. The way to talk, the way to express, they leave impacts directly and indirectly in other people's mind. And for me, although I tried to compromise (doch, I use the correct word =.=) but somehow, I felt like they're too much. But then, I also aware that I'm picking up this 'bad habit' on my own. So guess what, I sticked a new note on my wall: Be patient and trust God. Hope that this could be a super reminder to myself, always.

And to that very person - you know who you are -, what I really wanted to tell you is that, I want to see you change. I don't care what happened in your past, how bad you were/are, how worry you are about your future, I just want to tell you that, yes, I believe you can change. Why? Because I love to see human change into a better person. That's why I choose to keep this friendship. It could've been a hi-bye like a lot of people that I came across, but I want to see you grow into someone really matured, not to be influenced and shaken by things around you. Be strong. Most importantly, be who you really are. Need not to run around avoiding facts and things around you. Confront them, my dear. Yes, confront them. I'm sure you can. Testing testing... I'm okay... =)

*Before I forgot, I'm not as emo as you, you emo esslinger* roar.

*I don't want to give up and let go of it, but I guess... I have no choice?

As all of you can see, there are lots of great things happening in my current life. Exciting challenges. But the thing is, when I combine them all and put on the very same table, I frowned (I hope I used the correct term) over it. Not because they're bad, but too good and schade-ly, I have to choose, and to let go things that not really doing and helping me. I have been worrying about this, and to be honest, I lived a life of trying to hide away from making any selections. I treasure all of these. Just that, just like a monkey stucked in a cage because of a banana, I have to let it/them go to be free. And for that, I really don't know how to choose. I really don't know. They're too good to be let go. Too good...

Lord, I just wanna come to Your presence,

to lay down all of my doubts, and my worries in front of You.

Bring me to the decision that You want me to decide.

Show me the path that I should take, and guide me and light me to direction that You assigned me.

Without a guide, I'm just like a blind wondering in the dark,

not knowing where am I going, not knowing what I am doing.

But You are the light, the way, the truth and the life.

So as a servant of Yours, Lord, show me Your way for me.

Teach me how to let go of things that I've been holding on very firmly until now,

teach me how to be completely surrendered to You,

teach me how to be more and more like You,

and reap in me the Fruit of the Spirit.

Use me, Lord, for Your purpose and Your glory.

Your will, Lord, shall be done.

For I am jusr the tool and You are the carpenter.

In Jesus' most wonderful name I pray,

Virus!

yay.. latest news.

MY MSN MESSENGER TOTALLY DEAD.

Here's the symptons:

1. Forever signing in.

2. Then if I click "Cancel Sign in" the whole program jammed. Can't find it even in "End Task".

3. Reinstalled also no use.

4. Tried muliple sign in using Plus! also cannot.

5. Maybe reformat? (Yea, someone will ask "AGAIN!?")

gosh. Why-like-this?

I already made sure I didn't click any weird links.

Virus... You very geng.

[update] Windows Live Mail dead. I guess all those associated to MSN's all dead? Gosh... Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. >.<