SummerAir'11 - Desires

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

I talked to a friend that day. About love, relationship, partner, what we look for in that other half. It is nice to see we have a similar goal. It's just sad that the path that we choose to take is totally different. It opened a new set of question: what my life would be without Jesus?

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8 months ago, for the first time in my entire life, new old alike, I drew out a goal for myself. I call it the 3D, or three desires. As I began to walk into the end of the life as a bachelor student, I, like most of people out there began to start working on at least two out of these three desires:
Relationship,
Career, and,
God.

I started to work on these three fields, and things seemed to come smoothly as I wanted it to be. Or I thought too far ahead of myself.

--Work--
I got a internship job in ZF Friedrichshafen AG, which is one of the famous companies typically around Konstanz Lake, or Bodensee. It was a choice to make, and a choice that I made from a pool of limited choices. But what great was that, the tasks during the internship were what I wanted to go further deep into, and it was offered by this company, the only company that I love during our excursion to these companies some months(years?) back then.

But it was sort of a bad call; the company is located at Friedrichshafen, which is over 3 hours plus train ride from Stuttgart, where my church is. I consulted people around me, and for sure that those who has the veto-power in my life had placed their "against" votes. But for once I ignored them. I asked, if Jesus were sent to desert to be tempted 40 days before He started His work, I would like to be tested as well.

That was my initial thought. And God tapped me with a gentle warning of the potential dangers that lie ahead:

will I be able to stand firm? 

He literally broke my leg, upon which we human stand firm on. While I was waiting for my leg to be scanned in Karlsruhe Hospital, my heart cried. I was scared. Not just because of the potential of being inability to play badminton (or just generally do sports), but I scared I will fall ( as in my faith). I prayed to God that if He knows I can out-stand the tests, let them come. And I got my job here. And to be honest, it is all-in-all because of God and mercy, which I let Him to be my goal.

--God--
Knowing that by deciding to come to Friedrichshafen will be a sign that I will be partly detached from my current house church, I really thank God that He gave me the strength to shun away all the evil thoughts and ideas that might stop me from continue to stay within Him. And God is faithful; He didn't let me be tempted beyond what I could bear. And when I were being tempted, He provided me a way out so that I could stand up firmly under it. (1. Corinthians 10:13 NIV my version). And I'm really glad now, because as I come to the end of this testing period, I think I did quite not bad ;) okay partly because God has sent dozens of angels to guide me in this timeframe.

--Relationship--
It's personal actually, which a lot of people misunderstood, because it is personal. I don't look for perfection, for I know that I am not perfect. I look for perfection in God, for the sheep who knows the shepherd's voice (John 10:27) are perfect because our Father is perfect (Matt. 5:48) (to answer one's question whom I refused to answer by then). I look for someone with whom I can serve God with. Someone who loves God more than she loves me. That we are both bind to each other because we love a love that comes from God who is love (1. John 4:8) and first loved us (1. John 4:19) (to answer someone else's question whom I refused to answer by then too). I wanted to work on from there. Towards her.

----

These were the three desires I had six months ago. Two were slowly taken away and one remained - the desire for Him. And it took me that six months long to find out where I did wrong. And God never fails to carve the lessons deep enough for me: Of all places, I learned the following lesson in the city of lusts and desires surround: Amsterdam.

At Gilbeon the Lord appeared to Solomon during the night in a dream, and God said, "Ask for whatever you want me to give you."
Solomon answered, "You have shown great kindness to your servant, my father David, because he was faithful to you and righteous and upright in heart. You have continued this great kindness to him and have given him a son to sit on his throne this very day.
"Now, Lord my God, you have made your servant king in place of my father David. But I am only a little child and do not know how to carry out my duties. Your servant is here among the people, too numerous to count or number. So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?"
The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this. So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernemnt in administering justice, I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for - both wealth and honor - so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. And if you walk in obedience to me and keep my decrees and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life.

1. Kings 3: 5-14 NIV Italics mine

I was reading this passage during a night when we were in Amsterdam. Solomon asked for wisdom and later he became the wisest king ever in his time. But I felt convicted by Holy Spirit that time. It is normal for human to have their own desires and wishes. As for me, I consider myself as the abnormal one and it is not common for me to have desire for something, in this case the three things mentioned above. What convicted me were the lines, which I italicized above: It might just look as plain as "Solomon asked for wisdom from God to govern his people". But take a look at God's reaction:

He was pleased that Solomon didn't ask anything for himself. He didn't ask for wealth, nor long life; he asked for wisdom. It might sound as if the wisdom that he asked for was also for his own benefit. But God, who sees through people's heart, was pleased at him because his request was for God's people and not for himself. Making a short comparison between mine and his, it is very obvious that why God had shut the doors for the other two of my desires but left one - the desire for Him. On top of that, the song that was playing in my phone was "One Desire" by Hillsong in album Blessed:

This is my cry, my ONE desire, is to be where You are Lord.

It literally stunned me of how and what I have been doing. My desires are all for myself and my own benefits: I want to do my internship in ZF and later on do my thesis and after that straight away work in the company. I want this lovely girl and we can serve God together. 

Talk about God has prepared someone for me. It sounded to me more like "God, make her mine".What were all of  my desires about? Me and myself. Myself and I. Me, myself and I. One of the famous verses in New Testaments speaks it all:

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33 NIV

The only desire that comes from ourselves as Christians is to have desire for Him. To seek His kingdom. To seek His righteousness. To build a Father-son relationship with Him. Not just to come to Him only to ask and to make request. Not just come to Him only when we are in trouble. Not just come to Him only when we need him. The truth is, we need him all the time. I listened to a podcast sermon given by a friend of mine. It talked about our purpose as Christians. And Holy Spirit convicted me because it is always in our prayer that we ask, we make request, and we wish for something, as if God is a Fontana Di Trévi. Well, he actually is, in fact, he is better because God will provide us the desire for something which is aligned with his purpose and call for us. And He doesn't require you to throw money into it -and still being unsure if your wishes will come true or not. No! All you need is to remain in Him, by walking in obedience to Him, and to keep His decrees and commands as David did (1. Kings 3:14).

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4 NIV

Is our desire God? Is my desire God? It is a good question to ask ourselves each day. And be blessed.

SummerAir’11 - 感谢主

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
Everyone has his/her own personalities. If I cannot hate, I will avoid.
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It was just another fine Monday. Two among us had to fly back to Stuttgart. After sending them and watched them walked into the Terminal tunnel, we were left undecided. It is not because of we didn’t know what else we wanted to do, but about what we could do – everyone was quite tired. But Still, it would be a waste if she were to go back to Hostel with us to rest. She had never been to Berlin, it was her first daylight day in Berlin, and, after all, she wanted to walk around in Berlin too.


I was undecided. It is not because I wanted to go back to rest, but I was still injected with “I –Kiss-Dating-Goodbye” sorta mood and well, I took the pill “to avoid one-boy-one-girl situation”. The consequence wasn’t just about I didn’t walk the talk, or the taught, but I knew, or I thought, I would be flamed (as always).


Nevertheless, in the end I decided to go along with her and bring her around, to those places that I had been to already, twice. I actually did pray before we started our one-on-one trip – I pray that God would guard me from either doing anything stupid, or pouring out anything unnecessarily. I knew myself to the extend that I knew what I would do or say.


We separated from the rest at the Hauptbahnhof (main train station). We took an S-Bahn that heads to where we would like to go: the Island of museums. I called a Berliner-Malaysian to see if he was free already to bring us around, since he should know Berlin much better than me. He told me that the Ost-Berlin (east-side of Berlin) was raining heavily. I couldn’t believe. Although it wasn’t super sunny, it certainly didn’t look like it would rain any time soon. It rained, however, like cats and dogs. There’s where I learned my first lesson.


We hopped off at “Hackerscher Markt”. It was raining and the wind was blowing. We were stuck in the stop. I complained to myself (like I always do), “great, how are we gonna go out and take photos and walk around?” If you know me well, you’d probably picturing me and my stressed-mood, complaining. She stepped closer to the exit, looked at the sky, and acknowledged that it was indeed a heavy downpour.


But she said, “we can’t stop the weather from raining, but we can pray. And if it is our Father in Heaven’s will to let us out to play, the rain will stop. But maybe He wants to water the plants on the ground. No matter what, however, we should be thankful.” And she prayed.


I was partly affected by the impact of the rain against our plan, and stunned by how she interpreted the situation. But for that few short seconds, I was speechless.


Amen.


We chatted for a while, while looking at people running in and out of the station. But to my surprise, after a few minutes, the rain stopped. It seriously stopped. I got excited, “yay we can go out to play again!” My heart beamed.


She, however, said to me, “we should remember to be thankful”. And we gave thanks to God for answering our prayer and let us out to play.


In the end we took a lot of photos and I learned quite some techniques and we lived happily ever after.
No, that’s not how it ends. It wasn’t a Disney fairytale.


--


It was just a simple story. A simple yet a real story. It sparked a thought in me. It showed the contrast between us. The level of faith and submission and obedience. In tough situations, I complain and have anything to be blamed on. In complicated situation, I try to change the course of how things will happen, in accordance to how I want it to be. In situations where I cannot control, I let it lose. In short, I messed things up.


The lesson that I learned here wasn’t about God answering our prayers. In fact, who are we to demand God to have our wishes and desires fulfilled? Every prayer that we made to Him will no-doubly reach His presence, but as human we tend to forget, that of all things that we can strive to take control of, we can’t stop time for flowing. He is a God of providence – He will provide, only when He sees the situation fits.


It is about one of the fundamentals of following Christ – we acknowledge that He is our Creator and for that we give thanks to Him. We give thanks, because as how He chooses to give, He owns the authority over us to take as well. One of the verse in Casting Crown’s song always resound in my head:

I’ll praise You in the storm.

How many of us can actually praise Him when we are in real bad situations? In crisis? In deep troubles? In a hole? I must confess that I myself for one couldn’t do it. I want to learn to live it out though, while it certainly looks like I’m on the training and test field, considering all the things that are happening around me. Nevertheless, it is so easy to blame – even to blame God Himself – than to give thanks to Him, and pray:


“Lord, what do you want me to learn in this situation?”


It must be a conscious decision to make, at least to myself.

These (trials) have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even through refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.
1. Peter 1:7 (Parenthesis mine)

How many of us are to see this coming? I wasn’t. But I do want it now. It isn’t about how many blessings God has given us, nor about how tangled a complication God wants you to see it through, but about giving thanks to Him, who knows us much more than we know ourselves, and loves us, much more than we love anyone else. Jia Jin did tell me to face all the messes, which I created for myself in the first place, with another new attitude, rather than that of how I always unconsciously used to face them. I guess this is what he meant back then.


In fact, there are a lot of things for us to be thankful to God for. The question here remains, is that whether we are humble enough to be grateful for? A simple test we can do is to jot down 10 things of what we can be thankful to God for. Let’s be concrete.


1. I thank You God, that You still woke me up in time to go for work, although I turned off my clock alarm.
2. I thank You God, that You brought me safely to my workplace, before the rain started to pour down.
3. I thank You God, that You provided me enough wisdom I need to solve the programming tasks from my boss.
4. I thank You God, that You provided me enough wealth to live through the days.
5. I thank You God, that You give me a good physical health and speedy recovery after the trip.
6. I thank You God, because You provide me with wonderful amazing people – those who already know you and not alike – who chain sparks of  thoughts in me to live a better life in Christ Jesus.
7. I thank You God, that whenever I face temptations You give me the strength to walk away than to drill into it.
8. I thank You God, for all the lessons that You taught me, despite the fact that they really came in a heavy price to pay.
9. I thank You God, that in times when I desire to do something unfavorable in Your eyes, You reminded me of Your great love for me.
10. I thank You God, that despite I feel different being in this society, Your faithfulness remains.


And I thank You Lord, for this wonderful piece of beautiful memory and lesson to learn.


I won’t dare you to do this, but feel free to give comments of 10 things you feel thankful to God for.


Be blessed. And remember, 感谢主。

Being the Friend of the Bridegroom

As the title said, are you one?

The first (baby) level of faith is of course admitting to Jesus that "Lord, I have messed up my life a lot. But Lord, I want to start afresh, turn around a new leaf. Please forgive me my sins and all the wrongs that I've done".

We confessed our sins to God, and of course, God forgives us unconditionally. But that's where the journey with Christ of some Christians stops. Yeah, God forgives me already and I'm anew. Nothing wrong in that, just that they close a sinful chapter of their lives aside. Indeed there's no much effort in doing so, because God presented us His most precious Son as a gift in exchange of our sins. This is the most worthy gift that one can ever receive, and we all received it since the day we were born. Most of us, if not all, have received (heard) this Good News that God wants us to hear. Some opened the gift immediately; some opened it slightly a little late into their lives; some opened it at the end of their lives; some never open it.

Now the important part is that many of those who opened the gift and took out the "Grace of God" and just putting the box aside. But do you know that the content of the box is not just "Grace of God"? Most of us missed out that point. There is also an invitation letter - An invitation to the wedding Banquet. By receiving the forgiveness of sins from God, we are entitled to be the friend of the bridegroom. It is our great responsibility as God's worker to be a friend of the Bridegroom.

John the Baptist said,

The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine (ours), and it is now complete. He must become greater; I must become less.

John 3:29-30 NIV, Parenthesis mine

The joy is ours when we hear the bridegroom's voice. And we can only hear Jesus's voice if we maintain a good relationship with Him. To be in such a relationship with Him, we must constantly watch for all we are worth. We must be careful of ourselves and putting this relationship higher above anything else, including family, friends and those whom we dear to.

Jesus said:

"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn 

"'a man against his father,

a daughter against her mother,

a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law--

a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'

"Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."

Matthew 10:34-37 NIV

This may sounds cruel, but it is vital to maintain an above-all relationship with Jesus Christ. We may become amateur providences, but it will not last once crisis rises. If we are to hold things together with our own strength, it will come to a day when we get weary of this durable strain. It is because what we can give is nothing compare to what God has for us. That is why I think, God should be in higher position in a household. I would rather be second in my partner's most-loved-person-list while God is her first, rather than me being in the first spot. As what John said in Verse 3:30:-

He must increase, but I must decrease.

The question for you to think is: what is the status of your relationship with Jesus? Is He at the first seat of your most-loved-person-list?

ENFJ

This is the test to check what type of person you are:

Personality test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology

This is just a personal record of who I am:

career

teacher

profile

portrait

personal growth

relationship

worth to know who I am. And hehe thank you for the test.

From Fragment of Memories

'Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards'

23 to 23rd.

I want to be:

1. A king

2. A warrior

3. A mentor

4. A friend


--

Exams are coming up. Lesser internet, but more books. More past years. More more.

Help me remember of number 23:-

1. Psalm 23 -

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want;

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul,
he guides me in paths of righteousness, for his name's sake;

Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me.


You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23:1-6 NIV

2. Day 23 of Fireproof -

Day 23 of the Love Dare: Beware of parasites! A parasite is anything that latches onto you or your partner and sucks the life out of your marriage (or relationship with God/people) they usually comes in form of addictions, like alcohol, gambling, pornography.

They promise pleasure, but grow like a disease and consume more and more of your thoughts, time and money. They steal away your loyalty and heart from those you love.

Marriage (or relationship) rarely survive if parasites are present. If you love your wife, you must destroy any addiction that has your heart. If you don't, it will destroy you. 

"So if the Son sets you free, you will be freed indeed."

John 8:36 NIV

3. Day 23 of Purpose Driven Life - God wants you to grow.

4. 23 ;)

I want to be ready. And I want this to work. I want God to start work in me. I want God to continue to be with him. I'm so glad that Jesus is here in my house.

Keep me in prayers, I'm going through hard times now.

The Rabbit Hole Theory

There're things that one wishes he could have remembered them when he needs them, but they just didn't came right at the moment he needs them.

On the contrary, there're also things that one wishes he could have forgotten totally about them, but they continue to linger and wander and even haunt him in his memory.

I wish I could forget stuffs that really really caused so much inconvenience, awkwardness, regrets, hurts at both sides, bitterness, sour...

I wish I could remember stuffs that really really important for example in studies, interviews like in the one that I had just now,  the promises, the amount, experiences, punishments, price that I paid...

Then, there's no point of standing around and making assumptions, but rather to jump in and follow the route to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes. Then one might find Alice, maybe Albert Einstein did find her, or gain nothing but lost along the way, maybe got mental problem or sorts. So that along the way one might find new purposes, instead of just searching for "Alice" and "Wonderland", one might found better meaning of life, of what one has been doing, or God.

But of all, that's the step that a lot of people failed to take, people like me, for example. Some push from other people might be a good idea, but ultimately one has to leave the comfort zone, and to step into the hole that God knows where it will lead you to. And since only God knows, it's essential to have Him as the Light to guide ones way in the midst of the confusion and tangling routes in the rabbit hole.

The scary part of life is not knowing things that one supposed to know. I know that feeling and I know that it isn't pleasant at all. It comes to even more complex when the entity involves various values from various environments. It requires real wisdom to untangle the mess and sort it accordingly. Not many has done that, not me at least. However, the scarier part, or rather, the scariest part is that no action is taken to know that there're things that one supposed to know. And there's no point of looking at the fourth or fifth or tenth or thousandth step, if one doesn't even want to look at the first. And to initiate a momentum requires more force to overcome the resistance. That is why static friction coefficient is always higher than dynamic friction coefficient in all circumstances.

But ultimately, there's always ONE divine power that overwrites all these laws and theories and hypothesis and that is the Father God, who is the creator of all things in the universe.

And I guess that's part of life. To know and understand well of these. Why I sound so negative? because I felt a little disappointed in myself. I just hope that to realize this at this age and write it down would be helpful to those younger generation.

Life is such a rabbit hole.

不可说的秘密

只想告诉你，如果你的心情很好，请别阅读一下文章。























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--恐惧--

我认为，每个人的个性都是从他们自己的亲身体验而塑造出来的。而恐惧感也是一样。今天我不是讲道理，而只是想分享自己的故事。每个人都有自己恐惧的人/事务/周遭环境。因为某种的恶遭遇，我们心里产生那种害怕。我，现在就在这种感觉中。


--脚踏车--

它，其实不是我最怕的东西。只是，我和它有很多次不祥的经历。它，也是我的恐惧感的幕后首脑。说实在的，也不是它的错。故事是这样的：

在一个风和日丽的下午，我突然心血来潮，到了储藏室，把脚踏车推出来，然后就踩了上去，浩浩荡荡的在我家前面踩来踩去。虽然我那时才12岁，但是骑着大人的脚踏车，煞是好看，挺有型的。就是那一天，我想试试新东西，就踩着脚踏车，从草原越过一铺砖块。第一次，我顺畅地越过，通过！第二次，也通过！

就在第三次

。

。。

。。。

。。。。

。。。

。。

。


也通过！

嘿嘿，蛮酷的。

不知道自己尝试了几次，就在那么一次，我把脚踏车柄拉了起来，上了砖块，后轮一滑，即使小心翼翼地，也是失足摔了下来。当然，作文里常写的“四脚朝天”根本就是骗人的。根据医生的调查，当人类摔倒的时候，左右手都会扑向前去来扶助自己。当然，除非你是“一公升眼泪”里的 池內亞也。我不是她，虽然我其实多想当时我是她。所以，左右手主动向前了。如果记忆没错的话，我实在听见了“咔啦”两声。不过当时手脚神经线传达给脑袋的讯息是一字 -- 痛。


--痛  - 与泪--

在故事书里，每一次发生了什么事，英雄永远都会及时出现来救美女，或者美女及时出现来援救英雄。但是，在这短暂的人类世界里，世上事实都是残酷的。人会饿死。富有的会更富有，穷人跌了楼梯还折了腰。孤掌并非难鸣也，是不鸣也。当时爸妈都不在，家里剩下大姑。当然，我当时已嚎啕大哭了。她听见我的哭声，赶紧跑了出来，把我扶了起来，抱着我回到房子里。当然，她通知了爸妈，他们也赶紧回来。但他俩人在郊外，回来也需要一段路程。不知过了多久，眼泪也流了多过一公升，干了，累了，也睡着了。当我醒来了，他们送我到中央医院去。


--中央医院--

医生确定是左臂肘骨移了位，打了plastercast，吊了三角布，给了不知什么药，还说了不知什么对白，也记不清楚了。我们就这样回家了。当时的苦，想起心都疼。睡也睡不安，吃也吃不顺，羽毛球更别提了。庆幸的是，当时羽毛球训练休假，不然，那将会是一个人生第二次的打击。医生说，必须抱着沙包不知多久。


--不知多久--

那不知多久也过去了。沙包也解开了。恶梦也开始了。自己发现，原来骨已移位了。当时，有点害怕，所以不告诉仍何人。爸说要做候诊，带了我去看中医。该死的红楼梦儿。 他摸了摸我的臂肘，擦了不知什么药，说我的手没事儿，很快就“和好如初”了。他摸了整半个钟，给了我一瓶药水，收了爸的不知多少百？十？令吉。我害怕，但我什么都说不出口。


--开不了口让她知道--

有一天，我决定鼓起勇气，告诉妈妈。她还以为我在开玩笑的，直到我把两只手伸出来给她比较。她，也慌了一下。我们决定再去中央医院。今天的我，仍然还记得当时医院的情景。我们见了一位护士，据说是妈妈的学生。她检验了我，很明显的也慌了，但告诉我们说，我还小，骨骼还在发育，只要一天做10轮俯卧撑，每轮20次，或许它在我20岁之前会回到原本的位置。就这样，我相信了第一个诺言；第一个谎言。


--谎 与 放弃--

我实在地尝试了两年多，什么都没改变。一种希望，如果看不见任何进展，人自然会灰心，放弃。我觉得，那应该是我第一次放弃人生的滋味吧。痛与苦，没尝试过的人是永远都不明白的。我也之后了解，除了亲身体验，很多东西都是不能理解的。我想，就像现在，你们都不会了解那种感受的。当你选择放弃你拥有的东西，是很痛的。其实，当时我放弃羽毛球，虽然小部分是因为教练、学业，其实，是我自己看见自己球艺大跌，选择放弃的。我在羽毛球球会的成绩一向不错，都在前三名。当我初次回到球场上的时候，左手伸起，手指却指向其他位置，是很灰心的。羽毛球球艺大大大大大跌，是很灰心的。尤其是当你把羽毛球当作人生伴侣时，那种感觉，不好受。还记得有一次，爸爸忘了来接我，自己独自坐在球会所外面，想起它，憎恨它，还哭了。想象一下，就好比如在你的婚礼上，未婚妻突然临时逃婚，不好受。就好比如当你付出了许多但却不及格、没回报，不好受。看见自己喜欢的东西别人拥有，不好受。


--不好受--

站起来，也不好受。很多时候，一旦发生了什么事，四周的人都会劝你站起来，一定可以。你做得到。其实，你可知道，站起来是很辛苦的？你可知道，站起来，你又有可能会跌倒的？别叫他站起来，如果那是易如反掌，他自己也做得到的，不必你的罗索。要鼓励人，不是告诉他该做什么、不该做什么，而是给他一个方向。为什么呢？若你给了他一个目标，告诉他如何去做，当他抵达了，又会犹豫自己，因为那可不是你俩同意的方向。若你告诉了他方向，他会朝那儿走，自己选择该走的路线。毕竟从 A 到 B 不一定只有直径可走。别把自己困在世界盒子里。看开看开。很简单的，尝试用 3 个折把一个 3x3 的点子儿一笔牵完。伸出援手，当他离开了方向。


--所以我说--

今天，我跌倒了，还扭了手腕。说实在地，我真的真的很害怕。另一根手腕骨又好像移位了。旧疤痕或许又被撒盐了。很疼，很疼。我有恐惧。告诉你，我写了这么长，我不是在埋怨。我不是要你的同情。我不需要你的一通电话。我不期待你的留言。我不希望我们之间的尴尬。我只想要的，是你们的看开。是你们的明白。是你们的知道。是你们的领悟。毕竟当一个人把他不可说的秘密说出来时，泪也不知流了多少。心也不知疼了多久。脑汁脑也不知绞尽了多少。实在的，心里的挣扎也不知放弃了许多。就趁它已十周年纪念，悄悄地告诉你。我很不开心。真的很不开心。可能星期五若情况还是不妙，我将会去看医生。原本这个月还想弹一首歌呈现给大家，看来又是 gg 了。


祷告？谢谢。

Theory of time acceleration

I won’t be impatient;
I won’t be greedy;
I won’t give up;
Because
everyone takes things step by step.
I’m not the only one in pain; Not having
other people understand; Not understanding others; Both of those are
awful.
My life is like a blossoming flower. From the start of my youth,
I want to have no regrets and treasure it;
Okkasan, in my heart there always
exist the Okaasan that believes in me; From now this point forward, I leave it
to you. I’m sorry for always making you worry.
This disease, why does it
choose me?
Fate, it can’t be put in words. You can’t make people accept
it.
I want to make time machine to go back to the past. If it wasn’t
this disease, maybe I could have succeeded in love. I wanted to be hugged
tightly by someone. I really want to be.
I already don’t want to say
that I want to go back to that day. I want to accept the me right now. And
live on.
Even though I will also be hurt by those heartless glances, but
also, I understand that at the same time gentle glances exist.
Even though
it’s like this I still want to be here. Because here is the place that I
exist.
What’s wrong with falling down? Because as long as I stand up
again it’ll be just fine. If you look up the sky after falling down, the
blue sky is also today, stretching limitlessly and smiles at me.
People
shouldn’t dwell in the past. It’s enough to try your best in all that
you’re doing now.

Why didn’t I watch it earlier? Why didn’t I have that motivation to find this real-life-based drama earlier on? Why she still can write out these powerful and meaningful words, as she drawing near to the gate between living and death? Why am I, a healthy person, never try to realize something like this?

Sometimes I think we don’t really appreciate what God has given us. It’s true that human are born with better brain and intelligence. Indeed human is better than animals, but have we try to be much better than animals? How much have we tried to learn about our lives?

God has given us great opportunity to learn more about life, yet we failed to manipulate what we have. We failed to learn the meaning of our basics. Ever think of why we exist? Why and what do we live for? We go to school every weekday. This is a fact that we all know. But why do we go to school? Most of us never think of that. It's just something that government make it a must. Yes, some of us know that the purpose of going to school is to acquire knowledge. But think again. What knowledge that you gain today, when you go to school? Have you really aware of what have you learned and why do you learn them? Do you ever ask yourself? Nowadays we go to school. Yes, we go. We do go. But does your heart really want to go to school? If schooling is not a must, will you still go? What I’m trying to pass over is that, to me, our mentalities are wrong. In our daily livings, we do a lot of stuffs mostly because it is a must, something forced by someone. We don’t really think of ourselves. We go to school because the government says that all children should be sent to school. I feel regret that I did not observe my past carefully. As the result, time just flew by me. I admit that I have lots of past memories that I wish I can go back to fix it alright. When I was a prefect in primary school, I accidentally knocked my metal ruler on a girl’s head, just because I that time was angry of another student who keeps on talking in the class? When I was young, I got hyped about extreme-bike of X-Game in the television and I tried to imitate them, which in the end I fell down and was left with a deep mark on me that nearly changed my whole life? When I was in Kapit, I almost gave my coach a cheek-shot by smashing a shuttlecock right at his face due to my playfulness? I remembered these scenes. I remembered she turned around and shouted “ouch” in front of me. I remembered my countless times of sorry I said to that girl. I remembered that mark on my body. I remembered how much tears and fears after I fall. I remembered how he shielded his cheek with his palm and after that his angry face. I remembered the evil laugh of players from other divisions. I know that what passed is a past. That’s how time passes right in front of me. It is a story that I’m keeping away from you all, for now.

Anyway, I guess most of us notice that time’s travel is proportional to our age, meaning, as we grow older, we (will) notice that time ticks with faster tempo. But think again, does time really ticks faster? The fact is no, it doesn’t. The oscillation of atom, which is used in standardizing time, is constant. This is a fact.

But why then, we feel that time is accelerating? No one really knows the answer, and I guess there’s no black and white explanation for that, yet. It’s all about feeling. But to me, I’ve been thinking of this for quite a long time. To me, the reason is that we’re growing up. If we don’t grow up, I guess the time will flow with constant speed, which is relatively impossible, although time actually travels with fixed speed.

As we grow up, we get matured. We learn to think, to judge, to express. Later on we learn to have dreams, have goals, have wills; and we’ll try very hard to pursue them. We try to catch up things that are in future. We hunger. We chase. As the result, we care less about what we have in the present and chase after our dreams. We become a dreamchaser. We strongly wish that our dreams can come true. That’s when time accelerates. Yes, we are the one that accelerate it. We pay less attention to what we have today. We don’t appreciate today, but to hunger for that promising tomorrow to come. This is human’s characteristic. As I said, our mentality is wrong. I’m not suggesting that we should not have dream, nor shall we go after only our future. I’m talking about the balance between these two elements. Only with the balance between them two, I think our life then can be meaningful.

If only we all know how to appreciate whatever that we have now, and thanking God for them, I think we can have a better life. How to appreciate things around us? I guess by paying just a little bit more attention on surrounding, we are showing the simplest form of appreciation. We show our concern about things happen around us. We observe what we are doing very single day. We learn to control our mind, instead of letting our mind wonders around without purpose. We must learn to say “get up” every morning instead of letting your desire to sleep more conquers you. We must learn to think before our action. Sometimes I really think if I could control my mind that time, I won’t accidentally hit her head with the steel ruler. And be thankful every day. Learn to say “God, I thank You for all the great things that have happened in my life so far” instead of “God, why do You treat me like this?” Be aware also that everything happens because of God’s will. God has always prepared a good plan for us, so be patient. Today you might fall down. Don’t blame God, for that fall you learn how to be stronger and tougher. Today you might suffer a dreadful illness. Don’t blame God, for during the period of the illness you learn to think about and care for yourself. So look down on your feet, before aiming for the uncertainties.

Dreams, goals, wishes, desires, aims, targets etc are all connected to future, that is, something that we cannot 100% sure they will come. Everyone should have them, but not hunger for them. As mentioned, it’s enough if you have given your best effort in doing something. We mustn’t always win and success in whatever we’re doing, because to me, what’s more important is the essence of the journey towards your goals. It’s all about what you’ve done; how you’ve done it; who you’ve done it with; when you do it. To me, the path towards success is sweeter than the success. Success doesn’t teach us to grow up, but the journey provides us with experiences, encouragements and strength to go for victory. Therefore, learn to know that you have dreams and surrender everything else to God. Everything is under His control. To be honest, He has done lots of miracles in my life, although I’m just officially a Christian for about 3 months. Miracles that makes me 100% trust him. Miracles that I will proclaim that God is real. Miracles that let me feel thankful to the Father that draws me near Him.

“No one can come to me (Jesus) unless the Father who sent me draws him, and
I will raise him up at the last day."

John 6:44

So dream on, but don’t let your dream becomes your master. At the same time, appreciate of what you have, so that you won’t regret on the day when suddenly you realize that things have been taken away from you.


Vincent