我们这段关系，
是我要的开始，
握住这接力棒,
等待传达给妳，
努力朝向妳跑，
但之间的距离，
怎么越来越远？
坚持是我定下的承诺，
加油是我坚持的步伐，
相信是我加油的能量，
纯爱是我相信的后卫，
而妳是我纯爱的对象。
爱啊爱，
跑啊跑，
痛啊痛，
忍啊忍，
加了油，
努了力，
超了越，
受了伤，
也折了翼。
梦与希望旋绕着我，
我要努力地去争取，
但该左走还是右走？
把头往后仔细望望，
那段坎坷不平的路，
那些破碎了的梦想，
那些不必要的挣扎，
是把我塑造成坚强，
还是暗示我的无能？
妳，我很爱，
妳，我努力，
妳，我加油，
妳，我坚持，
妳，我折翼，
妳，我伤心，
妳，我失望，
妳，我流血，
妳，我放弃...
也是妳，我不配。
p/s: 尝试自己写诗，好难噢 =(
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Gold gold gold
He is same age as mine. He won a gold. He broke China's dream to sweep all the diving golds.
*jealoused* tsk tsk tsk... No la, admired. Same age, he is so cool, but I'm.. haha. T,T
Congratulation to him =)
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
What I'm sad about
It has been quite a long time since I last saw him. A lot had happened to him. All the hard times that he went through and going through, I could not help but to pay respect to him for his endurance. As he is struggling through the hardest time for him, I pray that our almighty God will continue to heal him.
As I reached grandmother's house, I was, as usual, surrounded by kids. The children circled around me, calling my name, some wanted me to carry them. Some pulled my fingers, could not wait to show me something new. I felt like a superstar surrounded by fans at that particular short moment. But this joyful instant just faded away. I knew what I wanted to do at there.
After I had my dinner, I asked my cousin to follow me into his room. I opened the door slowly, trying hard not to make extra noises that might interrupt him. Now the door is opened, and I saw an old person lying on a hospital bed, with eyes closed. I looked around. This room, which last time was his personal room, was a bit different. There were no those half-faded stuffs that belong to him. Now it looked more like a hospital room - the medical gadgets, tubes connected to a sucking machine to suck out the unwanted stuffs in his body, some clothes, a maid and her bed.
I stood there for some time. Stunned, or maybe recalling all the good old days that we had with each other. It took me some times to come back to the reality - the sad one. I moved closer to him.
In heart hoping that miracles would happen, I greeted him softly, "Grandpa, I'm back from Germany. How are you?"
Bloods were running into my brain. I wished so hard that he would open his mouth and talk to me. I waited with much anticipation. I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Nothing happened. I turned around and looked at my cousin. He gave me a lifting-shoulder gesture, which means "oh well" to me. I turned back to look at my grandfather. I monitored him slowly, as the acids soured my heart. Finally, with sour heart, I stepped out the room.
After that I was outside at the living room, talking to relatives - about Germany, studies, relationship with Germans, people, God... Then my 6th Aunty, Aunt Jane called me, telling me that Grandpa woke up. I sprung up from the comfort couch I went into the room again.
This time he was there, with one eye opened while the other closed. Aunt Jane was standing beside his bed. I walked to stand beside her, and my cousin stood at the other side of mine. Aunt Jane then talked to Grandpa about me..
"Father, Qi Hao came back from Germany. He is here, paying you visit. Can you hear me?"
No respond.
"Father, you know this is Qi Hao or not? Still remember him?"
No respond.
The unclosed door now filled with the kids, who followed me without my own notice. They shouted together, "Grandpa, faster wake up!" I gave myself a weak smile. I like being kids; often they just think of what they want and what they wish, without being invaded by the cruel reality. I looked at their joyful faces. How little they have learned about the reality. The innocent heart, they have. Their harmonic voices were the battle-cry in my heart - it boosted my moral.
Aunt Jane then ask me, "why are you so quiet? Why don't you talk to him?"
I stunned. Slowly, I moved closer, and asked the same question, "Grandpa, how are you?"
This time, he turned around and looked at me. It was a miracle to me. Honestly, I was touched. His opened eye was looking straight at me. For some instant my mind told me he was not looking at me, "he is NOT looking at me", but the ceiling behind me. But I told myself, "whatever, he is NOW looking at me."
My heart was lifted high. He starred at me for quite some time. I returned by looking back into his weak eye, digging around every corner in the eye, searching for a word called "miracle". For quite a time when I thought I found the alphabets...
m-
i-
R-
A-
C-
L-
.
..
...
No, the "E" was lost. I could not believe at first. My sight wandered around his eyeball, looking for that little E - Energy, extraordinary, or every other words you could name. The E that might escape from my sight.
No, I forced myself to convince my stubborn brain. No. No. No.
The moment of despair, sadness. I don't know. I felt pain to see people who are close to me suffer. But what can I do other than believe in God and pray to him? I don't know. Seeing him lying on the bed, my heart bleeds. Seeing him motionless, I felt stoned. I was real sad. What disturbed me most was that his head skull which suppose to protect the brain was removed due to severe damage and fracture. I was thinking, what on earth that attackers were thinking? Sad.
**
Yesterday I was taking Keretapi Tanah Melayu (KTM) back from Midvalley to my aunt's place. My camera was nearly picked by a Malay. I didn't turn around and look at him, but I was definitely sure he is a Malay. My sister said should've wreck him. But it led me to a thought: To everyone, what is stealing is about?
Is it merely a law to scare people not to steal? Or it is a negative moral value? I wonder what those theives are thinking. I didn't turn around to scold him. I didn't want to shame him in front of the public. I didn't want him to repeat his act. I just hope he could understand.
Sigh, the mentality of people in western and eastern are different. Sad.
Vincent
As I reached grandmother's house, I was, as usual, surrounded by kids. The children circled around me, calling my name, some wanted me to carry them. Some pulled my fingers, could not wait to show me something new. I felt like a superstar surrounded by fans at that particular short moment. But this joyful instant just faded away. I knew what I wanted to do at there.
After I had my dinner, I asked my cousin to follow me into his room. I opened the door slowly, trying hard not to make extra noises that might interrupt him. Now the door is opened, and I saw an old person lying on a hospital bed, with eyes closed. I looked around. This room, which last time was his personal room, was a bit different. There were no those half-faded stuffs that belong to him. Now it looked more like a hospital room - the medical gadgets, tubes connected to a sucking machine to suck out the unwanted stuffs in his body, some clothes, a maid and her bed.
I stood there for some time. Stunned, or maybe recalling all the good old days that we had with each other. It took me some times to come back to the reality - the sad one. I moved closer to him.
In heart hoping that miracles would happen, I greeted him softly, "Grandpa, I'm back from Germany. How are you?"
Bloods were running into my brain. I wished so hard that he would open his mouth and talk to me. I waited with much anticipation. I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Nothing happened. I turned around and looked at my cousin. He gave me a lifting-shoulder gesture, which means "oh well" to me. I turned back to look at my grandfather. I monitored him slowly, as the acids soured my heart. Finally, with sour heart, I stepped out the room.
After that I was outside at the living room, talking to relatives - about Germany, studies, relationship with Germans, people, God... Then my 6th Aunty, Aunt Jane called me, telling me that Grandpa woke up. I sprung up from the comfort couch I went into the room again.
This time he was there, with one eye opened while the other closed. Aunt Jane was standing beside his bed. I walked to stand beside her, and my cousin stood at the other side of mine. Aunt Jane then talked to Grandpa about me..
"Father, Qi Hao came back from Germany. He is here, paying you visit. Can you hear me?"
No respond.
"Father, you know this is Qi Hao or not? Still remember him?"
No respond.
The unclosed door now filled with the kids, who followed me without my own notice. They shouted together, "Grandpa, faster wake up!" I gave myself a weak smile. I like being kids; often they just think of what they want and what they wish, without being invaded by the cruel reality. I looked at their joyful faces. How little they have learned about the reality. The innocent heart, they have. Their harmonic voices were the battle-cry in my heart - it boosted my moral.
Aunt Jane then ask me, "why are you so quiet? Why don't you talk to him?"
I stunned. Slowly, I moved closer, and asked the same question, "Grandpa, how are you?"
This time, he turned around and looked at me. It was a miracle to me. Honestly, I was touched. His opened eye was looking straight at me. For some instant my mind told me he was not looking at me, "he is NOT looking at me", but the ceiling behind me. But I told myself, "whatever, he is NOW looking at me."
My heart was lifted high. He starred at me for quite some time. I returned by looking back into his weak eye, digging around every corner in the eye, searching for a word called "miracle". For quite a time when I thought I found the alphabets...
m-
i-
R-
A-
C-
L-
.
..
...
No, the "E" was lost. I could not believe at first. My sight wandered around his eyeball, looking for that little E - Energy, extraordinary, or every other words you could name. The E that might escape from my sight.
No, I forced myself to convince my stubborn brain. No. No. No.
The moment of despair, sadness. I don't know. I felt pain to see people who are close to me suffer. But what can I do other than believe in God and pray to him? I don't know. Seeing him lying on the bed, my heart bleeds. Seeing him motionless, I felt stoned. I was real sad. What disturbed me most was that his head skull which suppose to protect the brain was removed due to severe damage and fracture. I was thinking, what on earth that attackers were thinking? Sad.
**
Yesterday I was taking Keretapi Tanah Melayu (KTM) back from Midvalley to my aunt's place. My camera was nearly picked by a Malay. I didn't turn around and look at him, but I was definitely sure he is a Malay. My sister said should've wreck him. But it led me to a thought: To everyone, what is stealing is about?
Is it merely a law to scare people not to steal? Or it is a negative moral value? I wonder what those theives are thinking. I didn't turn around to scold him. I didn't want to shame him in front of the public. I didn't want him to repeat his act. I just hope he could understand.
Sigh, the mentality of people in western and eastern are different. Sad.
Vincent
Sunday, August 17, 2008
When it comes..
The time ticks,
so comes it finally,
when I bid the temporal goodbye to Germany,
back to the land where I came from,
to the soil where the dreams were formed.
To the place where I once smiled, I'll go.
To the place where I once had my biggest laugh, I'll go.
To the place where I once felt joyful, I'll go.
To the place where I once fall, I'll go.
To the place where I first met you, I'll go.
It's just that, it, you and me are not the same anymore.
You are no longer there.
It is no longer present.
I am no longer to see them.
It's a pain to think,
when things just when pass by myself,
when our shoulder slice through each other,
when we once had the same dream,
when we once had the same interest,
when you once told me I'm your best friend ever.
It's also when I really said, I'm honored to have a best and wonderful friend like you.
Jacky, all the best in your future undertakings.
It's also pain to recall,
the sweets I had there,
the pains I had there,
the scars I had there,
the memories I had there,
the roses I had blossomed there,
the seeds I had sown there,
yet, there will be the place where I will go, back.
I want to see them to grow.
I want to forget the impossible-to-happen of the rotting flower petals.
I'm going back. But I know the feeling is no longer as how I felt in the past. I know that most of the people that I met last time is no longer there. I know that it, you and me are no longer the same. I know, in my mind, I start to think of me and myself after I come back to this battlefield.
It's hard, ok. It's hard.
But I know he will always be there for me. I know everything is what he want to learn from. I know I have a great savior in me. I know all I need is faith in him. I know he has made me perfect.
4 slings and 5 stones used by David to defeat the Goliath. I will remember.
But until then, it is a worry after this. I'll not let it bothers me. For I have this faith that God is living in me.
Medication complete, time to strive hard, time to move on, but most importantly, time to say "YES LORD!"
"I am ready to do your purpose for me."
Vincent
p/s: Mixed up, random thoughts.
so comes it finally,
when I bid the temporal goodbye to Germany,
back to the land where I came from,
to the soil where the dreams were formed.
To the place where I once smiled, I'll go.
To the place where I once had my biggest laugh, I'll go.
To the place where I once felt joyful, I'll go.
To the place where I once fall, I'll go.
To the place where I first met you, I'll go.
It's just that, it, you and me are not the same anymore.
You are no longer there.
It is no longer present.
I am no longer to see them.
It's a pain to think,
when things just when pass by myself,
when our shoulder slice through each other,
when we once had the same dream,
when we once had the same interest,
when you once told me I'm your best friend ever.
It's also when I really said, I'm honored to have a best and wonderful friend like you.
Jacky, all the best in your future undertakings.
It's also pain to recall,
the sweets I had there,
the pains I had there,
the scars I had there,
the memories I had there,
the roses I had blossomed there,
the seeds I had sown there,
yet, there will be the place where I will go, back.
I want to see them to grow.
I want to forget the impossible-to-happen of the rotting flower petals.
I'm going back. But I know the feeling is no longer as how I felt in the past. I know that most of the people that I met last time is no longer there. I know that it, you and me are no longer the same. I know, in my mind, I start to think of me and myself after I come back to this battlefield.
It's hard, ok. It's hard.
But I know he will always be there for me. I know everything is what he want to learn from. I know I have a great savior in me. I know all I need is faith in him. I know he has made me perfect.
4 slings and 5 stones used by David to defeat the Goliath. I will remember.
But until then, it is a worry after this. I'll not let it bothers me. For I have this faith that God is living in me.
Medication complete, time to strive hard, time to move on, but most importantly, time to say "YES LORD!"
"I am ready to do your purpose for me."
Vincent
p/s: Mixed up, random thoughts.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Pictures updates
Alright, time for some pictures update. After so long while no update pictures, haha. Don't think my blog is only about my emo-ness:
..::08082008 HN Grillen (HN=Heilbronn, Grillen= BBQ)::..
This is another pretty girl =)
Berdua-duaan *winks*
Jay Chouames =)
Artistic attempt v1.1: Dip deep
Smoke screen v1.1~
Smoke screen v1.2=Successful not
Leng Luis(Lef to Right): Lay Sean (Europameisterin), Li Jie, Chia Ni
ALG6 cameramangod = Tuan
Poking the 20++kg (believe me!) watermelon
Me and my old favorite 晴天, or my new 彩虹?
This is a short clip of the BBQ scene
They are just cute, no?
I want to carry my kids this way too~
Artistic v1.2: Behind the shade
..::23072008 My Birthday::..
My birthday cake. Notice something? =P
Wish wish wish. Sorry la, this shirt again. Promise to buy more clothes, ok?
Happy Birthday to me | Gembira burung untuk aku | 祝我鸟日快乐
My own birthday cakeice-cream on 00:00h 23072008 (GMT+1)
..:: Random ::..
That day SS (Syiok Sendiri) watched FF VII: Advent Children and decide to draw.
This is the original scene. Ermm, credits to the original editor/owner. I downloaded without permission I guess.
I can draw nice pictures, right?
Don't say my blog no pictures anymore now.
Waiting for those D-SLR-ers to finish their work on the raw pictures.
More pictures here:
1. 88ultimatepichu88
2. Tuan's Brokenlickz
3. Wee Nien's Facebook photo album
(the rest, still tracing the camera owners)
Vincent
..::08082008 HN Grillen (HN=Heilbronn, Grillen= BBQ)::..
This is another pretty girl =)
Berdua-duaan *winks*No la, both of them already got girlfriend.
J
Artistic attempt v1.1: Dip deep No editing made, but this picture looks nice~
Smoke screen v1.1~
Smoke screen v1.2=Successful not
Leng Luis(Lef to Right): Lay Sean (Europameisterin), Li Jie, Chia Ni
ALG6 cameraHe owns a lot of cool D-SLR camera gadgets @,@
Poking the 20++kg (believe me!) watermelon
Me and my old favorite 晴天, or my new 彩虹?This is a short clip of the BBQ scene
..:: Schönen Sonntag 02082008::..
They are just cute, no?
I want to carry my kids this way too~If I have la. He must be very handsome, like father like son =)
Artistic v1.2: Behind the shadePeople said this way of image shooting will damage the camera lens. But it looks nice, no?
My birthday cake. Notice something? =P
Wish wish wish. Sorry la, this shirt again. Promise to buy more clothes, ok?
Happy Birt
My own birthday ..:: Random ::..
That day SS (Syiok Sendiri) watched FF VII: Advent Children and decide to draw.
This is the original scene. Ermm, credits to the original editor/owner. I downloaded without permission I guess.Don't say my blog no pictures anymore now.
Waiting for those D-SLR-ers to finish their work on the raw pictures.
More pictures here:
1. 88ultimatepichu88
2. Tuan's Brokenlickz
3. Wee Nien's Facebook photo album
(the rest, still tracing the camera owners)
Vincent
Saturday, August 09, 2008
千山万水
千山万水
作曲：周杰伦
作词：方文山
Verse 1:
Pre-chorus:
做好准备 这一回
Chorus:
梦想挟带眼泪 咸咸的汗水
Verse 2:
Chorus:
梦想挟带眼泪 咸咸的汗水
Chorus:
作曲：周杰伦
作词：方文山
Verse 1:
千山万水 无数黑夜
等一轮明月
梦的边陲 风吹不灭
从不感疲惫
Verse 2:
Verse 2:
东方无愧 第一是谁
让我们追求完美
我态度坚决 面朝北
平地一声雷
Pre-chorus:
做好准备 这一回
起跑后绝不撤退
痛快一起努力的感觉
我们拥有同样的机会
Chorus:
梦想挟带眼泪 咸咸的汗水
你我同个世界 爱从中穿越
梦与希望在飞 我向前去追
有目标就不累 等着我超越
Verse 2:
东方无愧 第一是谁
让我们追求完美
让我们追求完美
我态度坚决 面朝北
平地一声雷
平地一声雷
Pre-Chorus:
做好准备 这一回
做好准备 这一回
起跑后绝不撤退
痛快一起努力的感觉
我们拥有同样的机会
Chorus:
梦想挟带眼泪 咸咸的汗水
你我同个世界 爱从中穿越
梦与希望在飞 我向前去追
有目标就不累 等着我超越
Chorus:
哦... 等着我超越 等着我超越一切
(梦想挟带眼泪) (咸咸的汗水)
梦想挟带眼泪 咸咸的那汗水 你我同个世界 爱从中穿越
(你我同个世界) (爱从中穿越)
(梦想挟带眼泪) (咸咸的汗水)
梦想挟带眼泪 咸咸的那汗水 你我同个世界 爱从中穿越
(你我同个世界) (爱从中穿越)
梦希望在飞 我向前去追
(梦与希望 在飞 我向前去追)
有目标就不累 等着我超越
远远抛开一切 过千山万水
Friday, August 08, 2008
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
How could I ever
Every falling process consists of:-
1. not careful
2. tripped
3. the fall
4. the blood and the pain
5. the stun
6. medication time
7. stand up and walk again
When I was composing previous post, I was at the 3rd stage. Then looking at the blood and suffered the pain. That's not all. I somehow making people around me demotivated. I never knew I had such a influence to move a huge hardrock.. Felt bad about it.
But it's time for medication. I applied some "medicine", and felt great again. Wonder what medicine it was, that have soooo powerful effect? Haha, big thanks to Daniel for telling me I have the medicine myself. Ok ok, let's not beat around the bush, ok? Come, I show you my medicine:
TADAAA~<< click it! Oh, right-click it then "open in new tab" would be better okie =)
To think of it, the post was originally to encourage others, but in the end I benefited from it the most. And and and, my fellow readers seemed like reading it through without going through brain. The Bible verse should be "James 1:2-4", not "James 2:2-4".
Gao~
I will stand up. I will work hard again. I will continue to walk again. It was a pain being broken down, but I know the reward is far worthier than this. The charm, I will continue to use.
Thanks for all the motivations:
Amy, thanks for spending time with me.
Anna, thanks for the testimony and encouragements.
Jia Ji Kong, thanks for the biology and 人生道理.
Pat, thanks for the support.
Daniel, thanks for the link and the chatting.
Mom, thanks for the reminder.
Gareth, thanks for the sharing.
Yee Tong, thanks for asking "are you okie?".
Darrell, thanks for the chat, although it's kind of short.
CHelle, thanks for assurance.
I hope I did not miss out anyone. Anyway, after dipping into our thoughts, we decided to withdraw back the termination letter. We decided to do it next semester. A lot of people gave ideas. And I thought about my role etc etc. Just leave it next year. So juniors, come Heilbronn~!
Sometimes, life has to go on. Sometimes, life will face circumstances that you feel like quitting everything that you've done. All the times, it is important to remind yourself that there are still people who care about you. All the times, it is wise to tell yourself that His love for you will never cease.
His love for you is like how Wall-e treats Eve: He still in grip of you, although you shut yourself down. Romantic huh?
How could I ever nearly forgot about his grace?
ps: sorry la Daniel, nagged you as soon as I recovered from emo.
It reminds me of someone, soooo fierce =P
By the way, my granpa's condition is still the same, in case you're interested to know. =( Help me pray.
1. not careful
2. tripped
3. the fall
4. the blood and the pain
5. the stun
6. medication time
7. stand up and walk again
When I was composing previous post, I was at the 3rd stage. Then looking at the blood and suffered the pain. That's not all. I somehow making people around me demotivated. I never knew I had such a influence to move a huge hardrock.. Felt bad about it.
But it's time for medication. I applied some "medicine", and felt great again. Wonder what medicine it was, that have soooo powerful effect? Haha, big thanks to Daniel for telling me I have the medicine myself. Ok ok, let's not beat around the bush, ok? Come, I show you my medicine:
TADAAA~<< click it! Oh, right-click it then "open in new tab" would be better okie =)
To think of it, the post was originally to encourage others, but in the end I benefited from it the most. And and and, my fellow readers seemed like reading it through without going through brain. The Bible verse should be "James 1:2-4", not "James 2:2-4".
Gao~
I will stand up. I will work hard again. I will continue to walk again. It was a pain being broken down, but I know the reward is far worthier than this. The charm, I will continue to use.
Thanks for all the motivations:
Amy, thanks for spending time with me.
Anna, thanks for the testimony and encouragements.
Jia Ji Kong, thanks for the biology and 人生道理.
Pat, thanks for the support.
Daniel, thanks for the link and the chatting.
Mom, thanks for the reminder.
Gareth, thanks for the sharing.
Yee Tong, thanks for asking "are you okie?".
Darrell, thanks for the chat, although it's kind of short.
CHelle, thanks for assurance.
I hope I did not miss out anyone. Anyway, after dipping into our thoughts, we decided to withdraw back the termination letter. We decided to do it next semester. A lot of people gave ideas. And I thought about my role etc etc. Just leave it next year. So juniors, come Heilbronn~!
Sometimes, life has to go on. Sometimes, life will face circumstances that you feel like quitting everything that you've done. All the times, it is important to remind yourself that there are still people who care about you. All the times, it is wise to tell yourself that His love for you will never cease.
His love for you is like how Wall-e treats Eve: He still in grip of you, although you shut yourself down. Romantic huh?How could I ever nearly forgot about his grace?
ps: sorry la Daniel, nagged you as soon as I recovered from emo.
It reminds me of someone, soooo fierce =PBy the way, my granpa's condition is still the same, in case you're interested to know. =( Help me pray.
Monday, August 04, 2008
:: t,t why t,t::
It had been more than two weeks I'm struggling with this thought. I seemed to be happy and cheerful. But my last few posts were all emo. A lot of thoughts ran through me. Actually I'm kind of worry. How how how?
-the crossroad-
So it came to the crossroad to make a decision. It's not about how big the junction is, but the path of the road that I take. Each of the roads seems to lead to far an away. It's no longer connected to each other. It's no longer a U-turn also. Ok. Enough parable. My mentor and I had been thinking to form a ministry house and that means to shift out from our current comfort hostel. We had been thinking a lot about this, and he had putting so much efforts in finding new house (and I seemed to be not-helpful other than praying and go together with him for the "interviews"). In fact, to see things as something light is the impossible.
-possibilities along THE road-
To shift out from the hostel that I'm currently staying means a lot. Geographically it means it takes relatively longer time to reach school. Cycling in the thick snowflakes during the coming winter is no-doubtly unpleasant. Taking bus might be a good option, but the extra route that I have to take to reach the bus station is a little bit not-cheap (direct translated from German, ungünstig = unfavorable ). Although reaching the city centre is nearer, but it somehow will make the purpose of this ministry house to fade, the coming (preferably Christian) Malaysians or potential person might feel hard to be commited for the regular wednesday caregroup. But it's all depends on who will be coming. It's not that near from John-F.-Kennedy-Straße or Max-Planck-Straße. But it also comes to a cliché: Are we targeting only the Malaysians?
From financial wise it means I have to be more careful with my spending. And that's why, sorry Daniel, I can't accompany you (and maybe Pau) to Berlin. If the hostel-contract-ending process fails, I might be needed to pay for both sides for at least a semester. And please don't shoot me with "you got nearly 1k Euro per month!" because to be honest, if this situation happens, JPA scholarship is not enough for me to survive. But it also comes to the point that I should find myself a job. To work as part-time at McD AND work as a working-student/ helper in school. It might bring me some income, but the problem is I couldn't even manage my first semester well (YES YES YES, but I'm not just talking about that paper). To work some more? It requires not only a lot of faith but also a lot of courage, both which I lack. It also means that I cannot online a lot. Because of living in hostel, I don't even care how much electricity I used on computer. So I need to learn to save energy so that we will not get "surprise" from electricity company. It means not to turn on my laptop so often. It can also extend its health too. It also comes to the point that we need to learn to be like Markus Motz (haha) and save water and electricity usage.
From personal growth it means that I have to guard my attitude and my style. Living with a mentor... in fact, living with someone else is never easy. It means someone will knock you head (will he? =P) if you sit sooo long on the computer table. Compare to everyday-after-reach-back-hostel-just-shut-yourself-in-your-room lifestyle, it's a 180-degree change. It means you will grow into a person with better characteristics. It means Heilbronn will be bombed flat and rebuild again like Karlsruhe (go Google Earth it, it's a planned city). This is a parable, it means my bad characters will be destroyed and built to be better. It means that I'm no longer just a member of the caregroup, but co-leader and future leader of the group. The question is, can I do it?
From other views, it means more responsibilities. Since Jia Jin might only be staying for a year, all the contracts will be under my name, as I will be staying longer. It means if anything happens (touch wood), I have to take the responsibility. It means if anything damaged, I have to take the responsibility to report to the house owner. It means all the phone calls regarding issues on electricity, telephone, internet, rubbish management, rental contract etc will come to me. It means someone might be calling me when I'm in class. My superman (Jia Jin) said, "of course I will come back to help you if anything happens, but it means the responsibility is only shifted away from you; in the end, you still hold nothing. What's the point then?" A deep dip into the thinking... it's true also. When can I start to take responsibility? When it comes, am I ready then? What am I doing now then?
-the dilemma-
I believe it is God's wish to have the lost sheeps to be found. With this caregroup, we plan to have more people to be able to come near to him. To know him, at least. Through caregroup, we plan to keep each other strong and minimize the chances of getting back-slid. It comes to the point where the dilemma intercepted: Is this really God's plan? Or God has something else better for us? Is this shifting-out thingy is just our own decision? or are we doing his will?
This is definitely a start. Whether it's good or bad, it depends on God. But either way, it is surely tough. Unforeseen circumstances might occur. Extreme challenges might come. With the little faith that I have, am I able to really stand strong? Judging by all the trials that I am having, I know I'm tired. Everything needs to be analyzed again: studies, relationship, goals, purposes...
-the road taken-
Time is running out. And today we have made the decision to end our hostel contract. Just few hours ago we prayed at filled the contract-termination form together. The forms are currently on their way to Heidelberg. This was the first start. The second one would be confirmation of new house. Don't know if the owner will choose us or not.
Let God.. let God.. let God..
I keep telling myself. I keep on telling myself..
-at the border-
Now we are at the border, ready to take out the step. Do keep us in prayers. Let us know if God wants something to be spoken to us through you.
**that's a thing. This is another**
-hopeless-
Summer holiday isn't just summer holiday at all. A lot of things in my head. A lot.. a lot.. a lot..
Winter semester will be a killing semester. To be honest, I see no hope in my future study. There are things that I think I should give up, now. There are things that I think I should focus on, now.
"Hang in there, just hang in there! Jia you, just jia you! I know it's hard, I know, I know! But just hang in there, Qi Hao! Jia you, Qi Hao!" I keep on telling myself.. But the charm is not charming at all. It's killing. This is hard. It's really hard. It's really hard, hard, hard..
NB, 2,3, BE, BE, NB, 2,3...
-giving up-
I want to give up things that I have done a lot. I need to quit internet activities already, allocating the time on my studies. Friendster, Facebook, even this blog sometimes. I feel like reducing my posts. Every post took my 2-3 hours time. Also, I feel tired of sitting in front of laptop, waiting for things that will not happen. I feel tired of the expectation, which always fails me. I don't wish to 24/7 online anymore.
I want to cure my "black-out" problem. I want to be clear of what I am doing. I don't even know how many semesters my Bachelor program has. I am soooo blur about everything. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be clueless anymore. I want a change. CHANGE. T,T
How many tears a person can have? I should be running out soon. I am simply messed up.
EMO EMO EMO. Yet I can't walk away. Or should be said, I must not run away. EMO EMO EMO
If continue this post, it would be 3-4k words long. But I shall quit now. =(
p/s: can just tell me why?
-the crossroad-
So it came to the crossroad to make a decision. It's not about how big the junction is, but the path of the road that I take. Each of the roads seems to lead to far an away. It's no longer connected to each other. It's no longer a U-turn also. Ok. Enough parable. My mentor and I had been thinking to form a ministry house and that means to shift out from our current comfort hostel. We had been thinking a lot about this, and he had putting so much efforts in finding new house (and I seemed to be not-helpful other than praying and go together with him for the "interviews"). In fact, to see things as something light is the impossible.
-possibilities along THE road-
To shift out from the hostel that I'm currently staying means a lot. Geographically it means it takes relatively longer time to reach school. Cycling in the thick snowflakes during the coming winter is no-doubtly unpleasant. Taking bus might be a good option, but the extra route that I have to take to reach the bus station is a little bit not-cheap (direct translated from German, ungünstig = unfavorable ). Although reaching the city centre is nearer, but it somehow will make the purpose of this ministry house to fade, the coming (preferably Christian) Malaysians or potential person might feel hard to be commited for the regular wednesday caregroup. But it's all depends on who will be coming. It's not that near from John-F.-Kennedy-Straße or Max-Planck-Straße. But it also comes to a cliché: Are we targeting only the Malaysians?
From financial wise it means I have to be more careful with my spending. And that's why, sorry Daniel, I can't accompany you (and maybe Pau) to Berlin. If the hostel-contract-ending process fails, I might be needed to pay for both sides for at least a semester. And please don't shoot me with "you got nearly 1k Euro per month!" because to be honest, if this situation happens, JPA scholarship is not enough for me to survive. But it also comes to the point that I should find myself a job. To work as part-time at McD AND work as a working-student/ helper in school. It might bring me some income, but the problem is I couldn't even manage my first semester well (YES YES YES, but I'm not just talking about that paper). To work some more? It requires not only a lot of faith but also a lot of courage, both which I lack. It also means that I cannot online a lot. Because of living in hostel, I don't even care how much electricity I used on computer. So I need to learn to save energy so that we will not get "surprise" from electricity company. It means not to turn on my laptop so often. It can also extend its health too. It also comes to the point that we need to learn to be like Markus Motz (haha) and save water and electricity usage.
From personal growth it means that I have to guard my attitude and my style. Living with a mentor... in fact, living with someone else is never easy. It means someone will knock you head (will he? =P) if you sit sooo long on the computer table. Compare to everyday-after-reach-back-hostel-just-shut-yourself-in-your-room lifestyle, it's a 180-degree change. It means you will grow into a person with better characteristics. It means Heilbronn will be bombed flat and rebuild again like Karlsruhe (go Google Earth it, it's a planned city). This is a parable, it means my bad characters will be destroyed and built to be better. It means that I'm no longer just a member of the caregroup, but co-leader and future leader of the group. The question is, can I do it?
From other views, it means more responsibilities. Since Jia Jin might only be staying for a year, all the contracts will be under my name, as I will be staying longer. It means if anything happens (touch wood), I have to take the responsibility. It means if anything damaged, I have to take the responsibility to report to the house owner. It means all the phone calls regarding issues on electricity, telephone, internet, rubbish management, rental contract etc will come to me. It means someone might be calling me when I'm in class. My superman (Jia Jin) said, "of course I will come back to help you if anything happens, but it means the responsibility is only shifted away from you; in the end, you still hold nothing. What's the point then?" A deep dip into the thinking... it's true also. When can I start to take responsibility? When it comes, am I ready then? What am I doing now then?
-the dilemma-
I believe it is God's wish to have the lost sheeps to be found. With this caregroup, we plan to have more people to be able to come near to him. To know him, at least. Through caregroup, we plan to keep each other strong and minimize the chances of getting back-slid. It comes to the point where the dilemma intercepted: Is this really God's plan? Or God has something else better for us? Is this shifting-out thingy is just our own decision? or are we doing his will?
This is definitely a start. Whether it's good or bad, it depends on God. But either way, it is surely tough. Unforeseen circumstances might occur. Extreme challenges might come. With the little faith that I have, am I able to really stand strong? Judging by all the trials that I am having, I know I'm tired. Everything needs to be analyzed again: studies, relationship, goals, purposes...
-the road taken-
Time is running out. And today we have made the decision to end our hostel contract. Just few hours ago we prayed at filled the contract-termination form together. The forms are currently on their way to Heidelberg. This was the first start. The second one would be confirmation of new house. Don't know if the owner will choose us or not.
Let God.. let God.. let God..
I keep telling myself. I keep on telling myself..
-at the border-
Now we are at the border, ready to take out the step. Do keep us in prayers. Let us know if God wants something to be spoken to us through you.
**that's a thing. This is another**
-hopeless-
Summer holiday isn't just summer holiday at all. A lot of things in my head. A lot.. a lot.. a lot..
Winter semester will be a killing semester. To be honest, I see no hope in my future study. There are things that I think I should give up, now. There are things that I think I should focus on, now.
"Hang in there, just hang in there! Jia you, just jia you! I know it's hard, I know, I know! But just hang in there, Qi Hao! Jia you, Qi Hao!" I keep on telling myself.. But the charm is not charming at all. It's killing. This is hard. It's really hard. It's really hard, hard, hard..
NB, 2,3, BE, BE, NB, 2,3...
-giving up-
I want to give up things that I have done a lot. I need to quit internet activities already, allocating the time on my studies. Friendster, Facebook, even this blog sometimes. I feel like reducing my posts. Every post took my 2-3 hours time. Also, I feel tired of sitting in front of laptop, waiting for things that will not happen. I feel tired of the expectation, which always fails me. I don't wish to 24/7 online anymore.
I want to cure my "black-out" problem. I want to be clear of what I am doing. I don't even know how many semesters my Bachelor program has. I am soooo blur about everything. I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be clueless anymore. I want a change. CHANGE. T,T
How many tears a person can have? I should be running out soon. I am simply messed up.
EMO EMO EMO. Yet I can't walk away. Or should be said, I must not run away. EMO EMO EMO
If continue this post, it would be 3-4k words long. But I shall quit now. =(
p/s: can just tell me why?
My experience with a pigeon
After experienced "talking" to swan, where all I did is just whistle and the swans will come to me, I tried today to be kind and extra care and super patient with a pigeon.
Starting I threw pieces by pieces.
Then I put the piece at my palm, thought that it would come and have a bite from my palm.
I stood there looking at it.
It walked around; it's monocular-vision eye fixed on me.
I tried to be super patient. Even more patient than to other human I usually do. I squatted down, stretching out my hand, I waited like a fool. Indeed, really like a fool. It didn't come to me at all. It walked around me, radius around 1 meter distance from me.
Made me look like a dummy. Luckily no one is around.
Or maybe it sensed my intention to give it a pat on its head, although other than that I wasn't having any evil intention. But... sigh. Nevermind. Just envy (again!) with those people in movies, although I know the birds in the movies are "well-trained".
Starting I threw pieces by pieces.
Then I put the piece at my palm, thought that it would come and have a bite from my palm.
I stood there looking at it.
It walked around; it's monocular-vision eye fixed on me.
I tried to be super patient. Even more patient than to other human I usually do. I squatted down, stretching out my hand, I waited like a fool. Indeed, really like a fool. It didn't come to me at all. It walked around me, radius around 1 meter distance from me.
Made me look like a dummy. Luckily no one is around.
Or maybe it sensed my intention to give it a pat on its head, although other than that I wasn't having any evil intention. But... sigh. Nevermind. Just envy (again!) with those people in movies, although I know the birds in the movies are "well-trained".
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Lie lie lie
Sometimes you think you had run away with your lies.
Sometimes you think only you and God knows the truth.
Sometimes you think others will just believe your lies.
Most of the times I know it's your excuse.
Most of the times I know you are lying.
Most of the times I just keep silent.
A lot of times I told myself just to believe in you, although it sounds real fake.
A lot of times I told myself that you have your own reasons, although it sounds so unconvincing.
A lot of times I told myself that liars deserve another chance, although it's pointless.
A lot of times I told myself that I shouldn't feel disappointed on you, although the disappointment is heavy.
I don't know how many times should I trust the lies.
I don't know how many times should I act as if nothing happen.
I don't know how many times should I say to myself "it's okay".
I don't know how many times should I smile to myself because of your lies.
Little do you know I'm talking about you.
Little do you know to trust liars is something difficult.
Little do you know to continue like this is pointless.
Little do you know I hate liars.
p/s: No any hidden hints here. The first letter of each chapter forms S-M-A-I-L, sounds SMILE. I want to truly smile to you, can I? To lie means you does not loveme him/her as a brother/sister. A sin?
Vincent
Sometimes you think only you and God knows the truth.
Sometimes you think others will just believe your lies.
Most of the times I know it's your excuse.
Most of the times I know you are lying.
Most of the times I just keep silent.
A lot of times I told myself just to believe in you, although it sounds real fake.
A lot of times I told myself that you have your own reasons, although it sounds so unconvincing.
A lot of times I told myself that liars deserve another chance, although it's pointless.
A lot of times I told myself that I shouldn't feel disappointed on you, although the disappointment is heavy.
I don't know how many times should I trust the lies.
I don't know how many times should I act as if nothing happen.
I don't know how many times should I say to myself "it's okay".
I don't know how many times should I smile to myself because of your lies.
Little do you know I'm talking about you.
Little do you know to trust liars is something difficult.
Little do you know to continue like this is pointless.
Little do you know I hate liars.
p/s: No any hidden hints here. The first letter of each chapter forms S-M-A-I-L, sounds SMILE. I want to truly smile to you, can I? To lie means you does not love
Vincent
Friday, August 01, 2008
Private Post pg1
Well, since holiday is what I describe my present life, I have so much time to think about things that I never think before. Few days ago my mentor told me something about ignorance. And I had few days keep on thinking about this topic and its influence on myself. Guess what I have found?
I found out that I am the type that scared of ignorance from other people. Frustrations and worries come whenever someone ignores me. This is my theory. And to prove that the theory is true, I looked back and my past and did some thinking, and whooopz, I am scared of ignorance.
Well, I guess it was all started when Iunluckily got the opportunity to skip a year of study - the Level One Evaluation (Penilaian Tahap Satu, PTS). Well, I guess mom and dad were so excited and they wanted me to so-called "jump" a year. I forgot what my opinion about it that time, but one thing for sure: because of that, my life changed, forever.
Because of the "jump", I lost my primary-one-to-primary-three friends. Not really lost, but the fact is, until now, I have only left 2 friends of this kind, whom I rarely contact. I still remembered the first day I went into primary five. I scared that people would ignore me. You know, how could a relationship of one with a newcomer be compared to a fond friendship since primary one? Although it was not so bad as I imagined, because my mom was the principal of the school, and I guessed that the students and the teachers so-called "gave my mom face" and treated me well, but this could be the first step to my fear of ignorance.
So there went the "happy life" in primary five in this school. Things got worse. My dad wanted me to study in the best school, so he wouldn't mind sending me to another school that located double the distance from this one 3 weeks, if not mistaken, later. The first day, as you can expect, was also a pitiful moment. I was in the class all alone. No friends at all. But I must say that I am very thankful to my parents because they have superb networks with teachers, which can be best described as World Wide Web - everyone -teacher is connected. And the teachers introduced me to them. I had trying hard to avoid being ignored and left out. I was somehow forced to mix around. Eventually I was then promoted as class representative, became the first prefect who is also the class monitor. Proud of that. Ha ha. Nah, just kidding.
Anyway, the series continued. Instead of going to the same secondary school as the normal ways, my dad sent me to this Green Road Secondary School at, obviously, Green Road. The best school in Kuching last time. I remembered only 2 students who shared this same fate - from SRB Sam Hap Hin to SMK Green Road fate. They were Josephine and Jennifer. Other than two of them, I knew no one else, seriously. My first friends were not even those from my batch's, but my brother's. But then, as time passed by, I began to gain new friends and again, built up contacts with people. And then 6 years passed in a blink of eye, I had many many friends.
After the Malaysian Certificate of Education examination (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia, SPM) my friends and I decided to pursue our dreams together at the same university - Multimedia University. I could still remember those great moments when I have at least some friends together with me during the orientation. We went around Melacca, tasted the Chicken Rice Ball, the durian products, hanging out until midnight, staying in the same rented house, playing badminton and basketball together... It was a great moment. But the Chinese have an idiom called "sweet scene lasts never long" and I got JPA. Sadness and joy and fear mixed together, like a bowl of salad. I was of course happy to get this rare chance. But it was sad because I had to leave my friends. I thought I just settled down. The house owner treated me very nice. The fear of alone crept into me again. The two-weeks-Melacca stay was indeed one of the precious moments I ever had.
So got JPA and came to INTEC. Alone, but I was very glad that I had Yen Zhao as my roommate and coursemate. He was my first friend in INTEC. Time flew passed and again I survived. Now I am in Germany, things are just the same. Alone, without close friends. But so far I've already managed to mix around with the Malays, and seniors, and I got a mentor who keeps on shooting weird but true questions for me to improve =D.
I have not many friends that last longer than, say, 7 years. I always envy those people who has "old" friendships with other people. I guess those times in the past contributed to this fear of ignorance. I used to love to show-off. Yes, in badminton, you got me. I don't know since when, but I always played with what in Malay called "bunga". It means style. Like Christiano Ronaldo making those step-overs, turn-around, volley, bla bla bla. I played with "eye-technique" to fake and a type of smash that I call it "Kamikaze mode" - a type of smash that I use maximum angle and power to do a from-base-line-cross-court smashing, which later leaves me outside the court. Back to the point, it was all about show-off. Don't let yourself be ignored, but get people's attention. Don't ignore me, okie? T,T
It also applies when in conversation, let it be digitally or realitily (no such word by the way). When you don't reply my message, I worry. Simple as that. When I "nudged" you a lot of times, it means it's either something important, or I am worrying whether you're ignoring me. But I've been trying to overcome this problem through various ways.
Growing up is painful eh? But still, we need to grow. And the "head fake" of this post is that this is for my own personal account in the future. So that I know that at today, 1st of August 2008, I am trying to overcome this ignorance problem. A lot of people "jumped" the PTS. But they all seems to be okie and not complaining. So I guess it's my own problem? Hmmm... I wonder :s
Sorry if this took so much time of yours. And yeah, I'm always with super-long-more-than-1k-words post. This is just a post which in future I will refer back, to check if the problem still there, so sorry, no comment.
I found out that I am the type that scared of ignorance from other people. Frustrations and worries come whenever someone ignores me. This is my theory. And to prove that the theory is true, I looked back and my past and did some thinking, and whooopz, I am scared of ignorance.
Well, I guess it was all started when I
Because of the "jump", I lost my primary-one-to-primary-three friends. Not really lost, but the fact is, until now, I have only left 2 friends of this kind, whom I rarely contact. I still remembered the first day I went into primary five. I scared that people would ignore me. You know, how could a relationship of one with a newcomer be compared to a fond friendship since primary one? Although it was not so bad as I imagined, because my mom was the principal of the school, and I guessed that the students and the teachers so-called "gave my mom face" and treated me well, but this could be the first step to my fear of ignorance.
So there went the "happy life" in primary five in this school. Things got worse. My dad wanted me to study in the best school, so he wouldn't mind sending me to another school that located double the distance from this one 3 weeks, if not mistaken, later. The first day, as you can expect, was also a pitiful moment. I was in the class all alone. No friends at all. But I must say that I am very thankful to my parents because they have superb networks with teachers, which can be best described as World Wide Web - every
Anyway, the series continued. Instead of going to the same secondary school as the normal ways, my dad sent me to this Green Road Secondary School at, obviously, Green Road. The best school in Kuching last time. I remembered only 2 students who shared this same fate - from SRB Sam Hap Hin to SMK Green Road fate. They were Josephine and Jennifer. Other than two of them, I knew no one else, seriously. My first friends were not even those from my batch's, but my brother's. But then, as time passed by, I began to gain new friends and again, built up contacts with people. And then 6 years passed in a blink of eye, I had many many friends.
After the Malaysian Certificate of Education examination (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia, SPM) my friends and I decided to pursue our dreams together at the same university - Multimedia University. I could still remember those great moments when I have at least some friends together with me during the orientation. We went around Melacca, tasted the Chicken Rice Ball, the durian products, hanging out until midnight, staying in the same rented house, playing badminton and basketball together... It was a great moment. But the Chinese have an idiom called "sweet scene lasts never long" and I got JPA. Sadness and joy and fear mixed together, like a bowl of salad. I was of course happy to get this rare chance. But it was sad because I had to leave my friends. I thought I just settled down. The house owner treated me very nice. The fear of alone crept into me again. The two-weeks-Melacca stay was indeed one of the precious moments I ever had.
So got JPA and came to INTEC. Alone, but I was very glad that I had Yen Zhao as my roommate and coursemate. He was my first friend in INTEC. Time flew passed and again I survived. Now I am in Germany, things are just the same. Alone, without close friends. But so far I've already managed to mix around with the Malays, and seniors, and I got a mentor who keeps on shooting weird but true questions for me to improve =D.
I have not many friends that last longer than, say, 7 years. I always envy those people who has "old" friendships with other people. I guess those times in the past contributed to this fear of ignorance. I used to love to show-off. Yes, in badminton, you got me. I don't know since when, but I always played with what in Malay called "bunga". It means style. Like Christiano Ronaldo making those step-overs, turn-around, volley, bla bla bla. I played with "eye-technique" to fake and a type of smash that I call it "Kamikaze mode" - a type of smash that I use maximum angle and power to do a from-base-line-cross-court smashing, which later leaves me outside the court. Back to the point, it was all about show-off. Don't let yourself be ignored, but get people's attention. Don't ignore me, okie? T,T
It also applies when in conversation, let it be digitally or realitily (no such word by the way). When you don't reply my message, I worry. Simple as that. When I "nudged" you a lot of times, it means it's either something important, or I am worrying whether you're ignoring me. But I've been trying to overcome this problem through various ways.
Growing up is painful eh? But still, we need to grow. And the "head fake" of this post is that this is for my own personal account in the future. So that I know that at today, 1st of August 2008, I am trying to overcome this ignorance problem. A lot of people "jumped" the PTS. But they all seems to be okie and not complaining. So I guess it's my own problem? Hmmm... I wonder :s
Sorry if this took so much time of yours. And yeah, I'm always with super-long-more-than-1k-words post. This is just a post which in future I will refer back, to check if the problem still there, so sorry, no comment.
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