..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
A jot of memories, recovered out of the sudden. Maybe Christmas is coming?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was year 5 or 6, all I knew about Christmas was just it was just a time when a kid was accidentally left at home and set up traps and tricks and defeating bad guys who intended to rob the house. Home Alone.. when NTV7 loved to show that every Christmas.
When I was a bit older, around 11 or 12 years old, what I knew about Christmas was a sock to be hung at the door on the Christmas Eve and a present from Santa Claus would be placed in it the next morning after.
When I was a little more older than that, the memories about Christmas were just some song singing and dancing sessions in Church. And at the end of the sessions, the aunties and, maybe, uncles would come to you with forms for you to fill, saying, “He is our savior! Come and know Him better!”, leaving my brothers and I stunned, even shy to ask, who is that ‘He’?
I couldn’t remember how many times I filled this sort-of-look-like-some-agreement-form stuffs. Nor could I remember what actually happened. But the only thing I remembered was that particular Christmas when I was 16 years old. I still remembered we all sang “God is good, all the time”. Again there was this form-filling “ceremony” and I filled the form after being forcefully persuaded (nice oxymoron?) by the aunties, chaos happened – mom and dad quarreled, in my uncle’s house. It was midnight, and all I knew was that I filled the form and received a blanket and mom and dad quarreled. The content? Because we children filled the form.
Perhaps you might don’t know my background, but I was previously a Buddhist, same as my dad. Or being brought up so, I would say. And he was that time, and now still is, the head of one of the Fo Guang Association in Sarawak. Perhaps for that it was a disgrace to him, you know, men’s pride and honor’s stuffs – never be questioned/ offended. I was told that they quarreled. I remembered I asked mom, but she denied it, saying while smiling “nah, where got…?” For a 16 years old boy it didn’t took me long to notice the lie, but I kept silenced. Deep in me I wondered, ‘who is that person that made mom and dad quarreled?’
The reasons I loved my childhood memories weren’t just the places that we went during the end of year break. Somehow, as I got older, I love being in church. A sense of secure, love, warmth. Of course, until now, I never tell anyone other than you. When my understanding degree got higher, the talks (I didn’t know it was called ‘sermon’ back then) seemed to catch my interest. I tended to think along, and when the speakers (I didn’t know they were called ‘preachers’ back then) referred something from the thick book (The Holy Bible, in case you missed my point), I thought it was the very same person who made my parents quarreled, wrote the book. He must be a famous author, eh? Back then I also didn’t know why all those Christians’ hands were in the air while singing, but lots of times something urged me to do the same. Something I felt awkward about.
I still remembered my sister and I were invited by a cousin-in-law to KLBC Sunday church service (I called it ‘event’) last time. Frankly, I went along partly (ok, mostly) because to see cute and pretty girls. (Oh come on, guys ma… What do you expect?) And it was also the another Christmas day. During the prayer time the pastor asked any non-believer who believes that this Man (again!) is the savior to step to the front. My sister started to move out, with her hand signaling to me to come along. I refused, partly scared, partly didn’t know the significance nor the meaning. So she went alone, leaving me staring at her, blankly. Since then she was a Christian.
The pass-away of my uncle drove me into deep thoughts. For the very first time I felt the weight of losing someone forever. I asked Gloria what happens to a Christian when he/she dies, and she replied that they all would go to another place, waiting for this Man (again?!!) named Jesus to return and take everyone together forever.
This Man again… This Man again… Why everything revolves around Him? I thought. By this time I’ve already heard a lot about Him, that He was crucified and hung on the cross so that our sins (what is sin, I doubted that time) are to be forgiven (by who?!) I remembered I felt extremely sad that time, and for the very first time, while crying in bathroom at Cemara 15/501 (oh yea, another good old memory =) ), I seek this person for the very first time. ‘Who are you? who are you?’ And Gloria’s prayer looping in my head…
I must admit that I rejected some invitation to go CA or Christianity stuffs by juniors and friends were partly because of the relationship that I was into last time. Not long after my uncle passed away, 2nd wave of emotional attack came and this time it was the end of my 1yr 7m 4d ( Mathematics, I’m lovin’ it! ) relationship. At first I interpreted it as a twist of fate, something that didn’t make any sense. But few months later, my perception changed 180°. I came across the verse from John 6:44a:
“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him,…”John 6:44a NIV
I thought a lot. Maybe He planned for the break-up so that He could bring me near to Him. One of my favorite quotes, again, and also the quote printed on CA shirt:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
It couldn’t stop me from wondering astonishingly how great this super strong God is: to plan this ‘built-in’ strong feelings for church inside me, to plan for the unexplainable tears-rolling moments during those what-I-used-to-call-singing-and-dancing worship sessions, to plan for a fall-down, to brought me to the doorstep, and finally to pick me in. The timing was simply never early nor too late. I read it also as an perfectly-suited-me plan, for the arrogant me would most probably miss the whole point, if He would just made me a Christian with the flick of His hand.
Just before the immerse, Pastor Jerry Teoh asked me, “why would you want to be baptized?” Nervously, I answered 4/5 (the last one I forgot =P ) of the theories that I learned during my ‘express-bible-study’. It was a leak question, by the way. (If only this Winter Semester exams are also leaked… Just a joke) To think back again, I couldn’t stop but to laugh at myself for going through all the troubles to memorizing those points (theories ma… you memorize them to score in educational examinations) when all I really want to answer was just “I believe that He is my savior and I want to follow Him”. Maybe that time I was more than water baptism – aircon too! The thing I couldn’t stop amazed by this God is that, that was 2 days before last year’s Christmas!!
Speaking of Christmas memories eh? I have this lot. I wonder what memories I have for this coming one? =P
[C]alled by the Father to the earth You down,
[H]urdling the heavy cross across the town,
[R]esurrected from death three days from count,
[I]nto the heaven You returned from ground,
[S]itting at the Throne where Your glory found;
[T]he day Christmas when presents are around,
[M]ind in our hearts Your sermons on the Mount*;
[A]lthough the toughest days are to be announced,
[S]ing to You oh Lord, but a rejoicing sound!
-by: Vincent Goh
Merry early Christmas,
Vincent Goh
*: I’m referring to Mt 5-7; Lk 6:7-49, in case you don’t know what I mean.
