Identity v1.1 (20091111)

Version 1.1 (20091111)

..::*+ Introduction +*::..

A week has passed since I started my 'self evaluation and identification project' on myself. The due date is up, and I think I want to write them down here, for a recording, on today, 20091109.

..::*+ Notes +*::..

1. "The purpose of this post is to let you see who you are and how you overcome the weaknesses, not just a presentation." - Steph

2. "There's nothing wrong with hungering for attention. We just need to know to before that, hunger for His attention. The attention that the world gives, give it to Him." - Amy

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So what I've collected so far?

1. I am a Child of God

I realized I'm actually being lucky and was given chance that I can be a Christian at this age. I felt lucky because I wasn't born in a full Christian family and that alone made me to make this decision based on my own's experiences of how real God is. One of the common 'threats' that 2nd and above generation Christians face is that because of the environment they're in, they don't really know if it's a self-conscious decision or not. And I am glad because I no need to go through that stage. And being a Christian, I know one of my purposes on earth is to be more and more like Christ. And I am forgiven, and loved, by a big big God.

2. I am a JPA scholar

That alone speaks that I'm not just alone lucky to be selected from I-don't-know-how-many people. I used to think that I'm not worth a scholar just because I know something went under the desk and if it wasn't because of that, I wouldn't be here. But further and bigger thought: If it is not planned by God to send me here, I wouldn't be here. And to think of how much I've grown after I left my house, I am a JPA scholar. And what does that mean? It means I am capable of doing what others had achieved here. And the reason of why a boy who scored 1st in nearly all Primary school years unable to be who he was in the past is simply because of laziness and distractions. And I know I must start working on in that area, and that means now.

3. I am the BEST badminton player.

To think back, I was one of the best in my training ground. I was ranked 2nd/3rd in Sarawak Badminton Association and I have the chance to train myself, which led me to who I am now. I was a 'Project Player' and that means I have the requirements to be the best. If I could rule my Primary School till Secondary School and even in INTEC, why should I minus the time that I've spent on badminton? In fact, giving up badminton training in early secondary school life, hoping to use the time for studies, was an excuse. I could've been selected to play in sport school. So, since I've come so far, and knowing I can go further, and I feel good every time I play, why stop?

4. I am no longer just 晴天

Yes, my song is not just 晴天 anymore. And I know I've been given chances and opportunities to grow in my guitar skills. It's not a time to let go. It's not a time to waste another chance. I will continue to learn guitar.

5. I am not ready for her.

This is a topic that my mentor discussed with me long ago. I know who I love and I know I am not able to handle a relationship if I'm not ready. And the fact is I'm not ready. So, if I am not ready in those fields, I will work hard on them. That involves improving myself, to be more responsible, caring, loving, understanding... Basically becoming just like him + sensitivity. Seems far.

6. I am a sensitive person

I know what you think, I know how you feel, I understand the situation by your words, your reactions, your actions, your speeches. I observed things that he/she/they doesn't/ don't. So maybe this part is too strong and I want to minimize a little, so that I can be a counselor. I think I'm half of it since I've already a secret keeper of many people. I will work on in this area, parallel with this God-given personality, to help other people. That means I'll have to learn more so that I can give correctly.

7. I am a friendly person

Yes, people always say Kuchingnites are friendly and yes it's true. So, having a good born social skills, I guess all I need now is to work on how to use that as an advantage.

8. I am always to be someone I'm not

In other words, I'm not being myself. This is true, and a lot of times I felt bad about it, but sadly, it's really a fact that I made myself into, and it started since secondary school. I think I'm just like Little Jenny Humphrey of Gossip Girl and I guess I know how she feels. I always try to change myself so that I could fit into a certain group of people. I act strong but actually I'm weak inside. I always try to be someone else. Maybe that answers my questions a lot of times, thinking why I didn't feel the peace or happiness after doing something. The worst thing was, I chose not to be myself. Maybe I forced things too hard to happen rather let it naturally, that people could see that I tried too hard for something.

9. I get influenced easily

I get influenced easily by people, happenings etc and lots of times they just get heated and chilled in blinks of eye. I think this point is a little related to point above. Come to think of it, this is already a threat for me because a lot of times, I think this really caused me pain in the ass. Learn to cook, learn piano, and a lot of stuffs more... I think those are just because-others-can-do-it. Are they really what I want to learn? I doubt myself now. So, I need to settle down on those childish thinkings and be real on what I really want. I tried to come out with this kind of list, but in the end, after few hours I found myself writing and deleting points. He warned me to guard my heart. Although there are a lot of lines that I will not cross, but I guess I've been influenced to cross a lot and come to think of it. I felt bad.

10. I like attention

I seriously think this is true and it got proven last weeks. Yea yea, showing off doing tricks and unnecessary dives in badminton. I like when people watching me play badminton. And I tend to do skills to impress others. I also found myself sitting in front of computer, waiting readily to chat, or viewing xda-developers every 10 minutes and expecting people to reply my posts. He said I'm afraid of loneliness. And although I always denied, but deep inside, a heart felt guilty. To think of it, I know attention is not important and it brings harm more than good, but still I do it. It has something to do with background though, since I always got attention in primary school times. Come to think of it, although I appeared to be preferring to serve off-stage, I want to be on-stage with something I'm good with.

11. I don't take risk

Although there are times when I just jumped into something that I'm not sure of, most of the time I am a bit reluctant to do things that I don't know how to do. I think maybe this has something to do with perfectionistic, as in I want to either: 1) do it and do it perfectly, or 2) not to do it at all. I think some of you also already observed this in me quite long ago. To put it in another view, I think the reason why I don't really putting superb effort in study is because I know I'm not as good as them. If it's something that I don't know how to do, you won't see me having the motivation to do it. I don't play Zergling Rush in less than 5 minutes, but Goliath Rush and after 200 max food limit reached and having perfect defence, which explain why it is always nearly 2 hours of Starcraft gameplay. It's also true generally for every other strategy games that I played. Else I feel insecure.

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..::*+ Changelogs +*::..

Version 1.1 (20091111)

-Added points 8-11

-Thanks to Amy for the (not so) small testimony.

Version 1.0 (20091109)

-Initial version

-Thanks to Steph, Michelle, Dann, and myself.