Identity

I was there.

We were walking.

With our usual conversation.

The one-to-one heart talk.

I felt I'm charged with energy every time I talked to my mentor. But at the same time, I felt down about myself, considering what I had done in my life and comparing to his. We were at the same start line of the race, yet he is now far away and nowhere to be seen. Of course, at a point I'm very glad that God didn't place me through some swarm of toughnesses of which others face. Somehow, at the other point, I feel I'm far from God's standard. To summarize this feeling, it's best described as:

I'm not negative, nor am I anywhere positive.

So this week our walk consist of one topic that I rose. He mentioned this before about this threat long time ago and I still remembered I denied, kind of strongly. But today, I felt ashame of myself. I think I am facing identity crisis.

I always want to be like others. I want piles of friends. I want to play good badminton. I want to learn guitar. I want to learn piano. I want to study. I want to grow stronger in my faith. I want to learn Korean. I want to learn Japanese. I want to shoot nice photos, which come to the idea of getting myself a tempting Sony Alpha 550. I want to become a tutor. I want to become a good CG leader. I want... It doesn't matter what I really want actually, I noticed that these are what others are and they are nice and so I want them.

Of course there are lots of contributing issues and motivations here but I'm not going to talk about that part. What I'm thinking now is more further than that:

What do I really want?

Until now, I don't really know what I really want. As I've been telling people, I'm good in badminton is because the enormous amount of time that I went through, that I became one of the best, and one of the proudest things in my life.

To think of it, it was already an issue ever since I stepped into INTEC. It's just that I wasn't even care to think about it. Now that I think back, I find that, I've been switching myself to satisfy everyone around me and definitely that is not a good feeling. And definitely, I couldn't satisfy everyone; there's nothing like the so-called perfect, other than God.

During the heart-talk, it was really hard for me to tell out things like this. Things that I'm ashamed of myself. Things that have been hiding inside me. It's not the toughest feeling because I know I'm still keeping a dark secret that I can't overcome now. But anyway, he nearly managed to make me cry again.

What I noticed in my life is that I've been trying and working hard to please people. I hate confrontation. Just had that last week and I didn't feel good about it. And pleasing people doesn't make yourself your identity. Of all things, I would just lost my identity in the end.

He once said that

we the scholars, coming to foreign countries to study, is not just about studying but also self-reflection.

I know my life has changed a lot ever since God stepped officially into my life. And I've been through and still going through ups and downs in life. And yet most of the times, I think I'm the one who added burden onto myself.

Does polar bears get lonely?

He said that I'm afraid of lonely. Although my heart is denying, but I feel God is trying to tell me about this. He's not the one telling me to accept his point of view. Michelle's PM also talked about accepting comments and critics from others. And I don't think this is a coincidence.

Which comes to the point. I want to put down everything for a while. I want to stop chasing after unworthy things. I want to stop acting. I want to be myself. No, I want to find myself first.

One can gain your identities from various ways. Of course, what you are doing now is one of them, but I tell you that it won't last forever and I'm sure your heart is not at peace of it. Each and everyone of us can acquire our own identities through various ways. First one of course is given by God. And God created each of us very uniquely that we have our own identities. Second one is through our hardship. We form our identity in ourselves through the effort that we put into things that we want to see to be happening in ourselves.

I want to find back my identity that God gave me. I want to outline who I want to be. That's why, I've decided to put down things that I have on my hands, the silvers and the talents in my pockets, and this heart. But to look to God, look inside of me, and search for myself. Consider this week as self-reflection week. And it means I'll cut off from internet surfing, chatting, etc.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well"

Matthew 6:33 NIV

I need to nail that into myself.

Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen,

Show me how to love like You have loved me,

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

Everything I am for your kingdom's cause,

As I walk from earth into eternity.

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Finally edited a photo, after 3 hours.