8 years ago, he wrote 1. Corinthians 13:4-8 in my diary. 8 years ago, I looked down on him. 8 years ago, I thought he wasn't as intelligent as me. 8 years ago, I didn't treasure him that much because he wasn't that cool.
8 years later, I find myself crying, broke down. 8 years later, I feel ashamed of myself. 8 years later, I truly respect him. 8 years later, I find myself have been taking 1. Corinthians 13:4-8 for granted.
It is amazing how and when God has started to work in me.
If 8 years are needed for God to remind me to love, who am I to dare to complain that I wasn't loved?
If 8 years are needed for God to remind me to be humble, who am I to dare to be proud of myself, in His presence?
If 8 years are needed for God to get my respond to His request, who am I to demand Him to answer mine now?
If 8 years are needed for God to finally see His effort bears fruit in me, who am I to demand Him to bear fruit for what I am doing?
Faith of a 3 years old baby complaining to God who has waited 8 years without any complaints...
He (Jesus) replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
Matthew 17:20 NIV Parenthesis mine.
This is my prayer: Father Lord, it took you 8 years to see the seed You sown to stir impact in me. Father Lord, You have seen my heart, You know where it has scarred, You know where pride has been built up, You know the self-defense mechanism in me, You know every sins that I did, I do, and I will do. You have shaped me, even before I was formed in my mother's womb. You have planned me. Lord, Jeremiah 29:11 was one of the very first verses that You made known to me. Honestly, I don't have that faith to trust in that. Lord, teach me Your way. Even to just have that tiny little faith of a mustard seed. A faith not just to believe that:-
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
but also to:-
"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity."
Jeremiah 29:12-14a NIV
Let me not to demand You only to reveal Your plans and Your will, Lord, but to look to You, and search You, and come to You, and pray. Set me free from this captivity, Lord. Teach me not to dwell into this fallen world, but to remain in You, just as You remain in me.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I wondered hard about all the changes that I am experienced.
Two weeks later I'll be the one sitting on the hot-seat in my house church meeting. I started to think about all the changes that I have and still going through and I understand how the seniors felt last time as they use the word -eingedeutscht. It means "germanized" and I have seen that in me, after some serious intense self-reflection. This internship semester really taught me a lot about how Germans work and how they deal with stuffs.
I saw these two colleagues of mine quarreled about Microsoft Word 2003 and 2010 the other day and it seemed pretty intense and the voice was quite loud. It was a "不欢而散" (unhappy) ending and I thought that would be the end of their friendship. But yesterday I saw them hugging each other can laughing about some other thing. It made me think of the professionalism in the working field that one should have, and that is what I've been learning too - to deal with the situation instead of the person. I find it hard, if you ask me to smile back to the person whom I once hated. I remembered clearly it was a house church retreat two years ago and I was pretty much damaged by some personal issue and it seemed like "to hell I would forgive this person and forget the damage that inflicted on me" that kind. But what I learned from my mentor was that, God didn't ask us to forget the scars that others wounded us. But God asked us to forgive the person who wronged us instantly. It is not written "forget us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors", but "forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors". Let God to deal with the depth of the scars that others wounded us. God asks us to go to Him and let Him to heal the wounds completely. Let me just come to You, Father, for it is only You who knows what where when who whom how.
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Yesterday's house church it was meaningful for me. I've been listening to the song "Fire Fall Down" that I've posted in the previous post. And James is playing the song "All For Love" too. Today is a day when I recalled about my first encounter with God. I remembered clearly when those first few who were with me when I accepted Christ prayed for me, and this burning fire that burned me, and I dropped to my knees in worship. It led to some inner tears, of how I nearly to forget that wonderful first encounter.
Late at night I had a good chat with Kee Yie and Grace. I thank God for putting me into such a wonderful house church with wonderful people. What we have in this group of people are talents, skills, hearts, thoughts, intelligence (this is so dangerous to claim :S ) but most of all, warmth. The group of people who don't judge me. Who listen to me. Who point out my mistakes. Who don't beat around the bush. Who love me. Who lent me a shoulder when I want to cry... I really think this is one of the best experience I have in Germany. "Transparent, honest, and a little hurtful" - Jia Jin you surely put that spot on. *respect*
Thanks people. I definitely feel much much better now. And thanks Grace for the thoughtful chat. And Pat too. I don't understand it until you all explained to me. It was really a new lesson. This weekend was meaningful. I feel like crying now, again.
It is because I am blessed with you wonderful people.
p/s: shout out to Billy, James, Dann, Bryan, Kee Yie, Pat, Grace, Jia Jin and Steph (I miss both of you!)!
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I also learned another lesson. All these while I have been having my own plan. 3, 5, 10 years ahead... I have planned. I know what I want, and I want to invest time in them. It is my desire to have these and that... What Kee Yie said really stuck me:
"I will slap you in your face!"
Okay not that. it is about God's plan. All these plans that I have are actually based on myself and me seeing myself. It is a self-centered thought. I justified myself by saying that if God decides to reveal His plan for me now, I will stop all these and to follow His. But is it really so? Although he didn't say it, but it made me to think:
"If I already have my own plan laid out, I will most probably be NOT wanting my plan to be disturbed. And I would most probably shut off my sensors to receive what plans God want to reveal for me. So I would carry on with my plans, and ignoring His. And I will complain say that God hasn't tell me His plan for me. Is this even right at all?"
I'm still chewing on these. And I don't think I am ready to swallow it in. And if I do it would most probably choke me to death. But I call for a stop. I want out of my own desire. I don't want to keep dealing with emotions and keep causing others to misunderstand me. I don't want to act hero and do things on my own. I am tired. I am disappointed. I am wrecked. I am distracted. I am stubborn. I am justifying, even at this very moment.
There are things that I still hold on tight to myself. Tear down these walls, Lord.
I want to have all day sitting at the balcony and just meditating on Your Words and giving praise and worship to You. I want to listen to You. I want to stop walking my way to destruction (amplified). I want to turn around. And I want to walk back in the light of Your glory. It might be hard. Yea it definitely will be hard. But I will prepare. I don't want to have selfish thoughts even after I choose to follow You. I let my words be few. This temple is Yours.
Show me Your heart, Show me Your way, Show me Your glory.
"Speak, Lord, for Your servant is ready to listen."
..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
broken because it is worthy to be whole again.
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Read Job yesterday. And I don't think it's a coincidence that I was urged to read Job. I'm still at the first few chapters and I felt ditto to see Job and I are actually quite similar:
We are good thank-you-very-much when things around us are going bad. But not when things are happen in us. When things are happen in me. God made deal with Satan to allow him to tempt and test us. To test me. But this life - my life, your life, our lives - Satan cannot and will never able to take away from us. That of course, is beyond what we can bear already (1. Co. 10:13). As long as well live - no, I should say, as long as we live in God - our lives cannot be taken away from us, as we were already dead when we decided to give up our bad lives in exchange of another new, when Jesus died on the cross for us. It is our old lives that Jesus bought with His blood. My life, your life, our lives, and are nailed on the cross and are buried along with Him.
As long as we make the conscious decision to follow Him, we'll never be the same as our old selves. No, I will never be the same. And it is because He came to fix my broken life, the wall between me and God is torn down. And I will sing to glorify His Holy Name, Jesus Christ the Lord.
As we seek, Your fire fall down, Your fire fall down, on us we pray - on me I pray.
Show me Your heart, show me Your way, show me your Glory.
I thought I was happy because I am smart to solve a mathematics question. No, I'm joyous because I am in Him and He is in me. :)
It is been a long long while since the last time I had this kind of feeling.
I suddenly cannot strum guitar - tempo off-ed, fingers numbed, breath choked, something in stomach...
I tried to go into the mood of worship.
Tried to sing.
Tried to strum.
The songs I used to play.
The songs that touched me.
The first love.
THAT first love.
I end up crying... because I can't.
Definitely something is bothering me. Read back few pages of My Utmost For His Highest. Began to notice I began to feel proud about myself and finally realize the meaning of being humble but remain faithful.
All of our thoughts are known to God. He can understand what is in the mind of the Spirit, as the Spirit prays for God's people.
Roman 8:27 CEV
Lord, You know me better than I know myself. You see through every inch of me, and You know what is wrong, even I do not know it myself. I pray to You, Lord, that as I'm in such a situation, I pray that You will reveal to me the reasons behind all these. Holy Spirit, please keep me in peace. In Jesus's name.
..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
It wasn't accident. And it doesn't feel good.
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These 2 days I have been troubled by ONE dream. I don't really know why, but last night was the second day of these series of dreams, as if I'm watching a television series.
First day of the series:
It starring me as a successful and influential person. And somehow I was filed for being the mastermind behind a fraud and another cyber crime, or something like that. (I couldn't remember what I was charged for, it was 2 days ago and I didn't take the dream seriously). But one thing for certain, whatever those crimes are, I am certain that I didn't commit them in the first place. So I was taken into custody by the police. (yes police again, this month seems to be about police and not-my-wrong doing). Since I know myself very well that I am clean and have no guilt, why not, because the truth will be revealed if one doesn't do wrong.
But someone else was behind the scene, manipulating the scene, and making the process of me "surrendering" to the cops harder. Arms and gunpowder got involved as the police force made their way to arrest me. There were shootings, but I don't remember if any blood spilled. Who were the people who "defended" me, I don't know. But eventually they were annihilated by the police force (yay, good guys win), but I was forced into surrendering act - you know, the hands at the back of your head while down on your knees and forehead on the ground thingy. The police force took me. They were armed and equipped with kevlar armor, just like those in movies.
And that was day 1.
---
Day 2:
So the interrogation process began and I was asked questions about the crimes that I was charged. But obviously I couldn't answer any of them, because I didn't do it. Nevertheless, the police just wouldn't let me go, until I was proven innocent. While I was sitting in front of the table, a female policewoman passed by. To my disbelief, she was my junior secondary schoolmate. Actually she was a year younger than me. And I don't know why she appeared in this dream. She looked at me, gave me a nod, mixed with disappointment some-sort, and walked away.
I demanded fresh air. So two of the policemen took me out from the office (interrogation) room. To my surprise, it was a Japanese style garden with the wooden paths surrounded a pond, roughly 15mx15m square. They sat me on a wooden bench. So I was sitting there, facing another building in front of me. Suddenly another policeman walked out from that building, and stood at the far left corner of the pond. So what separated us was the pond and some fishes in it.
Our eye-contact met. His lips bend up and gave me a wicked wink. I was like "what the heck?" and he called me to go over to stand next to him. He was holding a pistol in his right hand. So I obeyed. I moved and stopped right next to him. He whispered, "run" to me, and while I was lost to figure if he had a double-meaning, he rose his left hand revealing some sort of remote control and pressed the only red button there. That building which I was looking at moments ago exploded and flame burst out from it. Next the bench that I was sitting exploded as well. Soonish, like in 5 secs the area was in fire. The 2 other policemen on-scene were already unconscious. He dragged my hand and forced me into a run. Sirens everywhere, I wanted to stop running, for I wasn't guilty in the first place, but his firm grip left me no choice but to run along with him. We ran along a downhill path and err.. we came to a train station. He jumped across the ticket-checking barrier and I didn't know why I followed. The train was waiting for us. And as soon as we hopped in, it moved, and the next station showed on the LCD-screen: MidValley. =.= I felt guilty for running away from something I didn't do and I looked like as if I really committed the crimes. I felt like giving in and take up all the blame and admit the crimes I didn't do. I noticed a girl was standing beside me. She was the bear-with-an-umbrella. And she told me, "you can either give in, not being who you are; but you can also be patient, and wait for the Lord, and...". (I purposely dropped the last part of the sentence, let's not make things to be awkward)
And I woke up. And it was 7.20am in the morning and I was late.
---
Obviously, the dream was sooo real, for both days. I couldn't recall much of the details on the first day, obviously I thought it was just-a-dream. I am worried, tonight it'll continue again. A little scared though, because it was sooo real can; I still remembered the 2 policemen's faces. Who were they? I'm not familiar with them. Pretty "amazed" that my mind actually generated some random yet so-real people.
I prayed. I'm kinda confused of the dream. It definitely touched my weaknesses and some personal issues, which are:
1. being passive and letting situation devour me;
2. not being patient;
3. not consulting the Lord;
4. not being still;
5. not having a peaceful heart.
And these are the things that I just prayed for. Too real to be true. But I shall trust in the Lord always.
