Speak.

I wondered hard about all the changes that I am experienced.

Two weeks later I'll be the one sitting on the hot-seat in my house church meeting. I started to think about all the changes that I have and still going through and I understand how the seniors felt last time as they use the word -eingedeutscht. It means "germanized" and I have seen that in me, after some serious intense self-reflection. This internship semester really taught me a lot about how Germans work and how they deal with stuffs.

I saw these two colleagues of mine quarreled about Microsoft Word 2003 and 2010 the other day and it seemed pretty intense and the voice was quite loud. It was a "不欢而散" (unhappy) ending and I thought that would be the end of their friendship. But yesterday I saw them hugging each other can laughing about some other thing. It made me think of the professionalism in the working field that one should have, and that is what I've been learning too - to deal with the situation instead of the person. I find it hard, if you ask me to smile back to the person whom I once hated. I remembered clearly it was a house church retreat two years ago and I was pretty much damaged by some personal issue and it seemed like "to hell I would forgive this person and forget the damage that inflicted on me" that kind. But what I learned from my mentor was that, God didn't ask us to forget the scars that others wounded us. But God asked us to forgive the person who wronged us instantly. It is not written "forget us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors", but "forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors". Let God to deal with the depth of the scars that others wounded us. God asks us to go to Him and let Him to heal the wounds completely. Let me just come to You, Father, for it is only You who knows what where when who whom how.

-

Yesterday's house church it was meaningful for me. I've been listening to the song "Fire Fall Down" that I've posted in the previous post. And James is playing the song "All For Love" too. Today is a day when I recalled about my first encounter with God. I remembered clearly when those first few who were with me when I accepted Christ prayed for me, and this burning fire that burned me, and I dropped to my knees in worship. It led to some inner tears, of how I nearly to forget that wonderful first encounter.

Late at night I had a good chat with Kee Yie and Grace. I thank God for putting me into such a wonderful house church with wonderful people. What we have in this group of people are talents, skills, hearts, thoughts, intelligence (this is so dangerous to claim :S ) but most of all, warmth. The group of people who don't judge me. Who listen to me. Who point out my mistakes. Who don't beat around the bush. Who love me. Who lent me a shoulder when I want to cry... I really think this is one of the best experience I have in Germany. "Transparent, honest, and a little hurtful" - Jia Jin you surely put that spot on. *respect*

Thanks people. I definitely feel much much better now. And thanks Grace for the thoughtful chat. And Pat too. I don't understand it until you all explained to me. It was really a new lesson. This weekend was meaningful. I feel like crying now, again.

It is because I am blessed with you wonderful people.

p/s: shout out to Billy, James, Dann, Bryan, Kee Yie, Pat, Grace, Jia Jin and Steph (I miss both of you!)!

--

I also learned another lesson. All these while I have been having my own plan. 3, 5, 10 years ahead... I have planned. I know what I want, and I want to invest time in them. It is my desire to have these and that... What Kee Yie said really stuck me:

"I will slap you in your face!"

Okay not that. it is about God's plan. All these plans that I have are actually based on myself and me seeing myself. It is a self-centered thought. I justified myself by saying that if God decides to reveal His plan for me now, I will stop all these and to follow His. But is it really so? Although he didn't say it, but it made me to think:

"If I already have my own plan laid out, I will most probably be NOT wanting my plan to be disturbed. And I would most probably shut off my sensors to receive what plans God want to reveal for me. So I would carry on with my plans, and ignoring His. And I will complain say that God hasn't tell me His plan for me. Is this even right at all?"

I'm still chewing on these. And I don't think I am ready to swallow it in. And if I do it would most probably choke me to death. But I call for a stop. I want out of my own desire. I don't want to keep dealing with emotions and keep causing others to misunderstand me. I don't want to act hero and do things on my own. I am tired. I am disappointed. I am wrecked. I am distracted. I am stubborn. I am justifying, even at this very moment.

There are things that I still hold on tight to myself. Tear down these walls, Lord.

I want to have all day sitting at the balcony and just meditating on Your Words and giving praise and worship to You. I want to listen to You. I want to stop walking my way to destruction (amplified). I want to turn around. And I want to walk back in the light of Your glory. It might be hard. Yea it definitely will be hard. But I will prepare. I don't want to have selfish thoughts even after I choose to follow You. I let my words be few. This temple is Yours.

Show me Your heart,
Show me Your way,
Show me Your glory.


"Speak, Lord, for Your servant is ready to listen."