I found out that I am the type that scared of ignorance from other people. Frustrations and worries come whenever someone ignores me. This is my theory. And to prove that the theory is true, I looked back and my past and did some thinking, and whooopz, I am scared of ignorance.
Well, I guess it was all started when I
Because of the "jump", I lost my primary-one-to-primary-three friends. Not really lost, but the fact is, until now, I have only left 2 friends of this kind, whom I rarely contact. I still remembered the first day I went into primary five. I scared that people would ignore me. You know, how could a relationship of one with a newcomer be compared to a fond friendship since primary one? Although it was not so bad as I imagined, because my mom was the principal of the school, and I guessed that the students and the teachers so-called "gave my mom face" and treated me well, but this could be the first step to my fear of ignorance.
So there went the "happy life" in primary five in this school. Things got worse. My dad wanted me to study in the best school, so he wouldn't mind sending me to another school that located double the distance from this one 3 weeks, if not mistaken, later. The first day, as you can expect, was also a pitiful moment. I was in the class all alone. No friends at all. But I must say that I am very thankful to my parents because they have superb networks with teachers, which can be best described as World Wide Web - every
Anyway, the series continued. Instead of going to the same secondary school as the normal ways, my dad sent me to this Green Road Secondary School at, obviously, Green Road. The best school in Kuching last time. I remembered only 2 students who shared this same fate - from SRB Sam Hap Hin to SMK Green Road fate. They were Josephine and Jennifer. Other than two of them, I knew no one else, seriously. My first friends were not even those from my batch's, but my brother's. But then, as time passed by, I began to gain new friends and again, built up contacts with people. And then 6 years passed in a blink of eye, I had many many friends.
After the Malaysian Certificate of Education examination (Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia, SPM) my friends and I decided to pursue our dreams together at the same university - Multimedia University. I could still remember those great moments when I have at least some friends together with me during the orientation. We went around Melacca, tasted the Chicken Rice Ball, the durian products, hanging out until midnight, staying in the same rented house, playing badminton and basketball together... It was a great moment. But the Chinese have an idiom called "sweet scene lasts never long" and I got JPA. Sadness and joy and fear mixed together, like a bowl of salad. I was of course happy to get this rare chance. But it was sad because I had to leave my friends. I thought I just settled down. The house owner treated me very nice. The fear of alone crept into me again. The two-weeks-Melacca stay was indeed one of the precious moments I ever had.
So got JPA and came to INTEC. Alone, but I was very glad that I had Yen Zhao as my roommate and coursemate. He was my first friend in INTEC. Time flew passed and again I survived. Now I am in Germany, things are just the same. Alone, without close friends. But so far I've already managed to mix around with the Malays, and seniors, and I got a mentor who keeps on shooting weird but true questions for me to improve =D.
I have not many friends that last longer than, say, 7 years. I always envy those people who has "old" friendships with other people. I guess those times in the past contributed to this fear of ignorance. I used to love to show-off. Yes, in badminton, you got me. I don't know since when, but I always played with what in Malay called "bunga". It means style. Like Christiano Ronaldo making those step-overs, turn-around, volley, bla bla bla. I played with "eye-technique" to fake and a type of smash that I call it "Kamikaze mode" - a type of smash that I use maximum angle and power to do a from-base-line-cross-court smashing, which later leaves me outside the court. Back to the point, it was all about show-off. Don't let yourself be ignored, but get people's attention. Don't ignore me, okie? T,T
It also applies when in conversation, let it be digitally or realitily (no such word by the way). When you don't reply my message, I worry. Simple as that. When I "nudged" you a lot of times, it means it's either something important, or I am worrying whether you're ignoring me. But I've been trying to overcome this problem through various ways.
Growing up is painful eh? But still, we need to grow. And the "head fake" of this post is that this is for my own personal account in the future. So that I know that at today, 1st of August 2008, I am trying to overcome this ignorance problem. A lot of people "jumped" the PTS. But they all seems to be okie and not complaining. So I guess it's my own problem? Hmmm... I wonder :s
Sorry if this took so much time of yours. And yeah, I'm always with super-long-more-than-1k-words post. This is just a post which in future I will refer back, to check if the problem still there, so sorry, no comment.
