Memory dump–heat sink

Don’t read. You are warned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once a while when I get tired of being stuck in busy life and some personal issues and struggles, I always open my Beautiful Flowers to reread some memorable words and encouragement from those who left something in it.

I’ll be fine. I told myself.

When all else fades, I know where I am going.

The hardest step one can ever take is the one that is painful, and often it puts one to tears. Despite the present, those who hold on in walking the path are the one who will triumph against the evil and the wicked. And the eternal glory is what that will put a smile on one’s face. I guarantee it.

I believe in fairy tales. That no matter what I’m going thru, I am not alone, for God is walking with me. This journey is ever awesome because of His presence. In Him I will put my trust upon. It depends on how you think about it, but God has His own “happy ending” for each and everyone of us. Are you seeing what He wants you to see in yourself?

Keep me in prayers. This road not taken is harder than it looks to be. I know where I am going, I know the future is secured in His hands. But it is the presence that is hard for me to deal with.

Things aren’t like how they used to be. Decisions after decisions… at the end of the day, remind me that it is always He who is in control of everything.

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Sometimes I do confused: Am I dealing with the consequences by doing damage control, or am I solving the cause? Just when it seems to be crystal clear, I found I making mistake. Sigh.

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The more I understand you, the more I realize that I don’t understand you at all.

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and I’m not so sure anymore.

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*closing the book*

good to be home. Sorry some grunts and complains. You chose to read it and I need to dump those rubbish emotions and thoughts. So it is balanced.

Good to be home.

I really feel good to be home.

You know I really feel good to be home.

or perhaps you don’t.

Das Festival 2011 – A Look Back

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Seriously, after Beauty and the Beast, I think Tangled is the next Disney cartoon that I like. Congrats to Disney for the successful 10th princess story in 50 years and to Many Moore for outstanding voice for Rapunzel. I love this song; it’s called “I See The Light”, sung by Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi. It became my favorite worldy song since 2 days ago. I’m thinking of covering it, but maybe I need a girl to do duet with me.

I See the Light–Mandy Moore & Zachary Levi

I See the Light – Mandy Moore & Zachary Levi

[Rapunzel.Verse1]
All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I’ve been

[Rapunzel.Verse2]
Now I’m here, blinking in the starlight
Now I’m here, suddenly I see
Standing here, it’s all so clear
I’m where I’m meant to be

[Chorus]
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it’s like the sky is new
And it’s warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you

[Eugene.Verse1]
All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things the way they were

[Eugene.Verse2]
Now she’s here shining in the starlight
Now she’s here, suddenly I know
If she’s here it’s crystal clear
I’m where I’m meant to go

**

Okay that’s more like a “big talk” than “small talk”.

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Okay some of you might know that I’ve been saying how God “slapped” me, in a way, before, during and after Das Festival. It’s an annual church camp organized by Hope Germany and this year the topic was based on Romans 8:14

“… because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.”
Romans 8:14 NIV

For me, what I picked up the most from Paul the apostle’s letter to Romans was that we are to constantly check ourselves what is the driving force in our lives. It usually can be anything and it differs from a person to another. But the fundamental principle is this: All else will fade other than God’s faithfulness to us. Therefore, it is always the best choice for us to have this driving force, powered by (Spirit of) God, for God, and to God. As we all long to live to be righteous, God made it clear by saying

“For in the Gospel a righteousness from God is revealed, a righteousness that is by faith from first to last, just as it is written (in Hab. 2:4): ‘The righteous will live by faith.’”
Romans 1:17 NIV, Parenthesis mine

Are we living by faith into our God, whose name is worthy to be praise forever and ever more? Or are we still being indulged with the sinful nature of the world?

1. Don’t judge others

I do believe God has the power to change a situation 180° in a blink of eye, the question is only about if He is willing to, because if He does, will the people involved give Him credits and glory, or will they just be happy with the change? In other words, God tests our heart and through the test He wants us to know our heart. Therefore most of the time God changes people through time. Where am I getting at? I really thankful to God, for He has shown me mercy, by putting me in Germany, to learn to grow spiritually, and He has placed people, the people in the house church around me for that very own reason. A month ago God started to work in my by putting me into a situation where I have to explain some of my actions, and was rebuked by one of the members that I was being judgmental against other people. In short, I label, tag and judge people according to what I’ve seen what they have done.

I had a thought in mind, that I want to only really befriend with people whose intelligence are higher than me. I kind of like looked down on and didn’t want to mix with people who I judged as less smart than me, because I think it is just another waste-of-time thing, neither does it help in my personal growth. But I was convicted by Holy Spirit through verses in Romans.

“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge the other, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.”
Romans 2:1 NIV

and

“Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To his (or here) own master he stands or falls. And He will stand, for the Lord is able to make him (or her) stand.
Romans 14:4 NIV, Parenthesis mine

On top of that, I was confronted with verse from Romans 12:16. I shouldn’t look down on other people and only befriend with those I think worthy to befriend with. Instead, I should be willing to associate to different people without any discriminations.

“Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.”
Romans 12:16 NIV

It was so intense and real, for God didn’t just throw me with the verses; He first reveal my problem through other people and then through series of events and Bible verses. I asked for prayer from Jia Uei and asked for forgiveness from the people whom I have judged. I pray that I will not repeat the same problem, for Christ Jesus Himself didn’t look down on other people, nor did He judge others in His own human form. And we are called to be Christ-like.

 

2. Repent, so that God can work in me

For the past 3 years, my prayer never differs from “Thy Will be done”. Matthew 6:9-13 has been my daily prayer:

“Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
Lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us away from the evil ones.”
Matthew 6:9-13 NIV

Somehow I was quite troubled by the fact that God hasn’t been using me well. At least I haven’t know what are His will for me. I know He would definitely show it to me as He promised in Jeremiah 29:11. Sometimes I did get impatient. But as I was reading Romans in the train, Holy Spirit confronted me:

Qi Hao, Qi Hao, how am I supposed to work in you, for your stubbornness and unrepentant heart blocks every signal from all channels I intended for you?

True enough, a lot of people, including me, have been complaining about how God doesn’t do what He promised His people. We indirectly put the blame on God and make excuses by saying God has His own timing and we should wait. Yes, God definitely has His own timing, but I guess God is not the God who lets us wait for nothing. He make us wait for Him, to test our heart, to teach us how to be faithful, but of all, He doesn’t think we are ready to receive what He has for us. God doesn’t want us to wait passively, but while waiting for Him, we make ourselves ready.

He says,

“But because of your stubbornness and your unrepentant heart, you are storing up wrath against yourself for the day of God’s wrath, when his righteous judgment will be revealed. God (said in Proverbs 24:12) ‘will give to each person according to what he has done.’ To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, He will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking, and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.”
Romans 2:5-8 NIV

“therefore, I urge you, brothers, (Qi Hao), in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer in the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:1-2 NIV, Parenthesis mine

And to be real krass:

“Those controlled by sinful nature cannot please God.”
Romans 8:8 NIV

 

3. fear of God

To fear God – that is another prayer that I lately prayed for. I find that I don’t fear God, unlike those people in the Old Testaments. My stand was that God supposed to be our friend and He definitely seemed to be much friendlier in the New Testaments.

“There is no fear of God before their eyes”
Romans 3:8 NIV

On that subtopic, Paul mentioned about no one is righteous. A little look up in other verses I found that actually we are called to fear Him:

Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.
1. Peter 2:17, Underline/bold mine

“Great and marvelous are Your deeds,
Lord God Almighty.
Just and true are Your ways,
Kings of the ages.
Who will not fear You, O Lord,
and bring glory to Your name?
For You alone are holy.
All nations will come
and worship before You,
for Your righteous acts have been revealed.”
Revelation 15:3b-4 NIV, Underline/Bold mine

I want to learn to fear Him, the King of all kings, Lord of all lords, and the creator of the world.

 

4. Submit to authority

I must confess that it is hard for me to bow down and submit to someone who is near of my age, or someone whom I much consider as friends. So in the midst of transition of “throne” within our house church, I find myself to pay less respect to the leaders. And for that, I “earned” myself a slap from God.

“Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exists have been established by God.”
Romans 13:1 NIV

okay to put it a little bit more krass:

“He (They) is (are) God’s servant(-s), an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoers.”
Romans 13:4b NIV, parenthesis mine

I will pray for them, our new leaders. And I will pray for myself, pray that God will correct my heart and show respect to these God-appointed people.

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Hold On – 33 Miles

[Verse1]
I’ve been there a thousand times,
I’ve felt the rain like a thousand knives.
And it hurts,
I know it hurts.
I’ve been there like a fighting plane,
Trying fly my way through the hurricane.
And it’s hard,
I know it’s hard.

[Pre-Chorus1]
Don’t be afraid,
You’ll make it through,
Just call out to me and I’ll come running to you.

[Chorus]
Hold on, hold on!
When the current pulls you under,
and your hearts beats like thunder.
Just give me your hand,
And hold on, hold on!
Until the storm is over,
And I’ll be fighting for you,
Just give me your hand and,
Hold on!

[Verse 2]
I’ll give you hope, I’ll give you faith.
And if it’s dark, I’ll like the way,
For you, for you.
By your side until the end,
Until you’re standing tall again,
I’m here, I’ll always be here.

[Pre-Chorus2]
And if the tide, sweeps you out to sea,
When your strength is gone, and it’s hard to believe.

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enough to chew for quite a long time. But I pray to You, Father, as You have reveal all these things to me, I pray that You will teach me to learn all these lessons in me. I pray that Father, You will change my heart and to allow You to be the driving force of my life. I pray that Father, I will not be stubborn in my head, but to let go the anchor that binds me down, and let You to be the wind and guide my path in accordance to Your will that You have for me. Father I know that You have plans for me and Lord, I know I have not been given to things I don’t deserve, because I am not ready for them. Father, I want to pray to You, to give me lessons and the desires to be ready for You. For You alone knows the past, current and the future. Draw me close to You, Father, and never let me go, because You’re all I want and You’re all I ever needed.

Draw Me Close To You

In Jesus’s name I ask and pray,

Amen.

Where The Love Lasts Forever

..::*+ Small Talk+*::..

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You know what, I'm glad that I am surrounded with lovely people, especially people in my House Church. We're more than just being family - we are the organs of this body of Christ. As always we did have tons of yummy food and spent great and wonderful time together. But this time it was really special, at least to me. It is not only because of the YUMMMMYYY food, definitely not only because of the full-attendance after... i lost count of the days or months, not only because of meeting up everyone, but it was also because of my hot seat.

Yea. My hot-seat. What happened...?

It's funny to say that I must admit that day, and of course the few days before when I did my preparation, I know myself the most out of these nearly 23 years of existence in this world. As I was preparing my umm.. speech, I prayed and redrew the time-line of Qi Hao...

If I tell you that I was a very egoistic and confident person, would you believe me? But the fact is, I was. And although I've did this few times before, but this time I see clearly of myself. I saw my rise, I saw my fall. And what made the difference is that I saw intercession - God's intercession - in my life, no matter how desperate I am to deny it. It was different, because I know to be thankful and really treasured what God has changed my life, slowly. He planted the seed. And I saw people nurturing this seed, so that it grows on the good soil. Looking back, I've changed. Not because of myself, but because of God's intercession, and He used people - the good and the bad - to draw me to open and receive this gift that was paid by the blood of Christ Jesus.

I saw myself fall. I saw I broke and dislocated my elbow. I saw I hurt a friend of mine who was sitting beside me in Primary Two. I saw myself passed PTS and skipped Primary Four and had been playing catching up ever since. I saw myself being shouted "go away" at the basketball field. I saw myself being slapped by my dad because I wanted to say I'm not good in art but he misunderstood me. I saw myself crying in bed because no one, even the doctors, believed that I dislocated my elbow, despite me kept requesting "please look at the x-ray scans. I saw myself dropped from rank 1 to 5th in Under-12 badminton group in SBA, because of this injury. I saw myself hiding, after being asked "why are your elbow a little different?"

Yes, I saw things just crashed at the age 10/11. Tried my best to hide my tears but at least I managed to go through my speech before I broke down and cried. There were things that I never tell anyone before, but I told these group of people during the hot-seat. I wanted to share, but I was being shameful, and worried if I were to tell someone. Even those who I really appreciated. But somehow Holy Spirit gave me this courage to share the night before and during the hot seat. It is okay to tell them, my heart said. It is because these are the people who are there to protect you and not to harm you, people who are there to help you grow in Christ.

Being in Germany isn't about studying the cars and engine and automotive and the culture alone. What I gained the most in Germany, is that this faith can grow. This journey has started since long long time ago. I am so blessed to able to make this decision to follow Him. I am blessed to have a great mentor, whose life shows the glory of God and I want to make my Daddy proud as well. I am blessed to be in this house church.

I made a statement that day, that I want to be like the rest of them. I feel lacked, because I am not having as much knowledge about God as they do. I want to be like them, not because they are biblical strong, but to have such an intimacy with God. I want to know God. I want to be equipped and be prepared not just for myself,

but in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.

1. Peter 3:15a NIV

Apart from that, I'm glad that I really worked through about my strengths and weaknesses. I've known myself to be people-oriented than task-oriented and I haven't been putting that gift to good use. I've known myself to able to play good supportive role and prefer to do stuffs practically than learning the theories. I've seen my potential danger to be passive and doubtful. I've seen myself to afraid of being neglected and being alone. I've seen myself not able to withstand bad start. But the truth is, how many people out there have not once screwed up their lives before. I really admired and being inspired by the story of how Jia Jin and Steph met each other. It is not because I've heard it, but because I've seen it. It really sets a good example for me and a n encouragement, that despite bad things that happened, God will do great things in everyone's life, if only we let Him to do His work.

Heavenly Father, I thank You, Lord, for what You have done in my life for the past 22 years. You've planted the seed years ago and I'm thankful for the people who were there to make this seed to grow. Father, I thank You for all the lessons that You've taught me. Father, I want to pray to You, that You will continue to reveal to me the how deep is Your love for me, and I pray that I can have this desire to love You, like how You love me. I also want to pray that You will continue to grow me up, and continue to equip and use me. Send me as You pleased, and I will go. Use me as You wish, and I will follow. Guide me as You love, and I will listen. Lord, there are a lot of things that I don't know about You. But Lord, You see this hunger and desire to know You more and more. Who would I be, if Your mercy were not there to found me, at that broken road. You lifted me up beyond my failing, into Your eternal glory. You dissolved my shame and sin, and now forever Yours I'll stand. Help me to set my eyes on You, because when all else fades, I know, that my soul will dance with You, where the love lasts forever.





in Jesus's name I ask and pray,
amen.

Ostrich

The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,

but they cannot compare with the pinions and feathers of the stork.

She lays eggs on the ground

and lets them warm in the sand,

unmindful that a foot may crush them,

that some wild animal may trample them.

She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers;

she cares not that her labor was in vain,

for God did not endow her with wisdom

or give her a share of good sense.

Yet when she spreads her feathers to run, she laughs at horse and rider.

Job 39:14-18 NIV

are we not the same?
This pride. You are a big issue.

Daniel Chen

8 years ago, he wrote 1. Corinthians 13:4-8 in my diary.
8 years ago, I looked down on him.
8 years ago, I thought he wasn't as intelligent as me.
8 years ago, I didn't treasure him that much because he wasn't that cool.

8 years later, I find myself crying, broke down.
8 years later, I feel ashamed of myself.
8 years later, I truly respect him.
8 years later, I find myself have been taking 1. Corinthians 13:4-8 for granted.

It is amazing how and when God has started to work in me.

If 8 years are needed for God to remind me to love, who am I to dare to complain that I wasn't loved?
If 8 years are needed for God to remind me to be humble, who am I to dare to be proud of myself, in His presence?
If 8 years are needed for God to get my respond to His request, who am I to demand Him to answer mine now?
If 8 years are needed for God to finally see His effort bears fruit in me, who am I to demand Him to bear fruit for what I am doing?

Faith of a 3 years old baby complaining to God who has waited 8 years without any complaints...

He (Jesus) replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Matthew 17:20 NIV Parenthesis mine.

This is my prayer: Father Lord, it took you 8 years to see the seed You sown to stir impact in me. Father Lord, You have seen my heart, You know where it has scarred, You know where pride has been built up, You know the self-defense mechanism in me, You know every sins that I did, I do, and I will do. You have shaped me, even before I was formed in my mother's womb. You have planned me. Lord, Jeremiah 29:11 was one of the very first verses that You made known to me. Honestly, I don't have that faith to trust in that. Lord, teach me Your way. Even to just have that tiny little faith of a mustard seed. A faith not just to believe that:-

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

but also to:-

"Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and I will bring you back from captivity."

Jeremiah 29:12-14a NIV

Let me not to demand You only to reveal Your plans and Your will, Lord, but to look to You, and search You, and come to You, and pray. Set me free from this captivity, Lord. Teach me not to dwell into this fallen world, but to remain in You, just as You remain in me.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

1. Corinthians 13:4-8a NIV

Amen.

幸灾乐祸的人也蛮不少的。

=/

Speak.

I wondered hard about all the changes that I am experienced.

Two weeks later I'll be the one sitting on the hot-seat in my house church meeting. I started to think about all the changes that I have and still going through and I understand how the seniors felt last time as they use the word -eingedeutscht. It means "germanized" and I have seen that in me, after some serious intense self-reflection. This internship semester really taught me a lot about how Germans work and how they deal with stuffs.

I saw these two colleagues of mine quarreled about Microsoft Word 2003 and 2010 the other day and it seemed pretty intense and the voice was quite loud. It was a "不欢而散" (unhappy) ending and I thought that would be the end of their friendship. But yesterday I saw them hugging each other can laughing about some other thing. It made me think of the professionalism in the working field that one should have, and that is what I've been learning too - to deal with the situation instead of the person. I find it hard, if you ask me to smile back to the person whom I once hated. I remembered clearly it was a house church retreat two years ago and I was pretty much damaged by some personal issue and it seemed like "to hell I would forgive this person and forget the damage that inflicted on me" that kind. But what I learned from my mentor was that, God didn't ask us to forget the scars that others wounded us. But God asked us to forgive the person who wronged us instantly. It is not written "forget us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors", but "forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors". Let God to deal with the depth of the scars that others wounded us. God asks us to go to Him and let Him to heal the wounds completely. Let me just come to You, Father, for it is only You who knows what where when who whom how.

-

Yesterday's house church it was meaningful for me. I've been listening to the song "Fire Fall Down" that I've posted in the previous post. And James is playing the song "All For Love" too. Today is a day when I recalled about my first encounter with God. I remembered clearly when those first few who were with me when I accepted Christ prayed for me, and this burning fire that burned me, and I dropped to my knees in worship. It led to some inner tears, of how I nearly to forget that wonderful first encounter.

Late at night I had a good chat with Kee Yie and Grace. I thank God for putting me into such a wonderful house church with wonderful people. What we have in this group of people are talents, skills, hearts, thoughts, intelligence (this is so dangerous to claim :S ) but most of all, warmth. The group of people who don't judge me. Who listen to me. Who point out my mistakes. Who don't beat around the bush. Who love me. Who lent me a shoulder when I want to cry... I really think this is one of the best experience I have in Germany. "Transparent, honest, and a little hurtful" - Jia Jin you surely put that spot on. *respect*

Thanks people. I definitely feel much much better now. And thanks Grace for the thoughtful chat. And Pat too. I don't understand it until you all explained to me. It was really a new lesson. This weekend was meaningful. I feel like crying now, again.

It is because I am blessed with you wonderful people.

p/s: shout out to Billy, James, Dann, Bryan, Kee Yie, Pat, Grace, Jia Jin and Steph (I miss both of you!)!

--

I also learned another lesson. All these while I have been having my own plan. 3, 5, 10 years ahead... I have planned. I know what I want, and I want to invest time in them. It is my desire to have these and that... What Kee Yie said really stuck me:

"I will slap you in your face!"

Okay not that. it is about God's plan. All these plans that I have are actually based on myself and me seeing myself. It is a self-centered thought. I justified myself by saying that if God decides to reveal His plan for me now, I will stop all these and to follow His. But is it really so? Although he didn't say it, but it made me to think:

"If I already have my own plan laid out, I will most probably be NOT wanting my plan to be disturbed. And I would most probably shut off my sensors to receive what plans God want to reveal for me. So I would carry on with my plans, and ignoring His. And I will complain say that God hasn't tell me His plan for me. Is this even right at all?"

I'm still chewing on these. And I don't think I am ready to swallow it in. And if I do it would most probably choke me to death. But I call for a stop. I want out of my own desire. I don't want to keep dealing with emotions and keep causing others to misunderstand me. I don't want to act hero and do things on my own. I am tired. I am disappointed. I am wrecked. I am distracted. I am stubborn. I am justifying, even at this very moment.

There are things that I still hold on tight to myself. Tear down these walls, Lord.

I want to have all day sitting at the balcony and just meditating on Your Words and giving praise and worship to You. I want to listen to You. I want to stop walking my way to destruction (amplified). I want to turn around. And I want to walk back in the light of Your glory. It might be hard. Yea it definitely will be hard. But I will prepare. I don't want to have selfish thoughts even after I choose to follow You. I let my words be few. This temple is Yours.

Show me Your heart,
Show me Your way,
Show me Your glory.


"Speak, Lord, for Your servant is ready to listen."