CEG 2010 - some pout

I just came back yesterday from London. Despite all the laughter that I had on my face, actually I was quite down.

Some people consoled me that I'm just being unlucky (again!) to meet an opponent who later turned out to be the champion in the badminton competition, so it's okay. But deep inside me I know my performance. I knew how badly I did. I knew I was 'owned' by him total. Pure and total ownage. One of the biggest
ego
pride-element in myself is that I don't like being treated by double standard. And yes, purposely making mistakes so that I could gain some points challenged my pride. But seriously, I performed badly. Consecutive of unforced errors really worried me and pissed me off. I'm really lousy to the maxxxxxxxx.

And well, my eye-sight is getting blurry and that alone made me to pay its heavy toll. Firstly, I was in new environment. Secondly, my reaction time increased due to 'lack of vision'. Thirdly, crowd pressure was something I've been learning, and failed to overcome it, especially when the crowd intervened during the decision making of the linesmen. And not to mention my own judgment. Certainly that shots were out of the line, but some people said them to be in the line and that really pissed me.

----

Furthermore, I hate people abusing laws and rules. Yes alright I know that was a mixed-double match and female partners are usually weaker than the men so that's the weak-spot of a team. And also the blind-spot of the entire mixed-double game. If you use that kind of advantage to earn points I could understand, but if you're using that to win, I find it very ethically low. Even if you did perform 9 out of 10 smashes to my partner, I'm still satisfied. But if that's a 100% abuse, I seriously think that they're not worth of my opponents. What's the different then compare to 'spawn-kill' in a FPS-game? And then again, it was from the same guy who intentionally judge the wrong lines who told the opponent as we were winning.

In terms of skills, I seriously out-matched you. In terms of professionalism, I out-do you. In terms of ethics, you're low. And they did make it to final, by abusing that blind-spot. I hope they didn't win. Because this act doesn't worth a medal.

He felt proud. The ego when he won against me. I pity his partner. She was really sweet and I didn't want to abuse the weakness like he did. And if I really did aim only her, she'd most probably ran out crying. I can do body-smash if I want to, in case he didn't know.

For the record, he didn't break any rules. It was fairly just and there's nothing wrong with that. But if you're only following laws without being 'human', maybe you should know God. And I seriously mean it.

--

In the end I lost. Yes that's a fact. If you ask me, I'm not ashamed to admit that. Just that I've played badminton for years so I know the act in a game too, not just swallowing the rule-book. I wonder why the Cardiff people, the players and the supporters, proud of it.

I'm not blaming anyone. It was entirely my mistakes for the lost in the Men Singles game, because I did lots of mistakes. But it was because I hold on to my principle that I lost in the Mixed Double. A part of me told me I should've just do the same thing as he is. In a way how I wished that time that I was cruel person. Then again, that isn't me and I don't want to add another new entry to my 'unforgettable bad memories'.

sick, again.

sigh. Why everything has to end with sadness?

Why got sick when things are near over?

Why ?

blah.

Pray for me la. =)

m-Project the checkpoint

Fuh, finally at the last checkpoint of my m-Project. I'm assured that this project was worthy of all things, the time, the money... =)

Seems... It's still far awide,

Seems... It's as if yesterday,

Seems... I still remember the time that we shared our stories together...

sitting there.

Memorable, infinite.

Undefined feelings for you, maybe that's the chorus of the song.

So I'll be here. I'll sing the chorus. For you, I'll wait.

So stay tuned. Pictures are coming up sooooon. Well, if you cannot wait, click the Facebook up there and go see my pictures. =)

m-Project - Kuching

Weee. I'm going Singapore soon. The mega trip will start soon. Well, don't worry, I'm actually in financial crisis so I'll spend as little as I can, hopefully.

It's always good to catch back the old times. Unlike talking to friends of my batch since INTEC, this time it feels a lot better. When I talked to my JPA scholarmates, we always talked about the life that we had back in the times in Shah Alam. They were all indeed fun, just that my batch wasn't crazy comparing to other batches. So the fun-part is limited. And secondly, repetitive talks about the same thing for don't-know-how-many-times make me feel, well, 'nothing new'. But meeting with secondary schoolmates were indeed fun. I haven't really meet-up with them since graduation from secondary school so yea, it's a long time ago and lots to catch up.

The fun part is that I can see some of them changed. I guess as time goes by, the more hard-core stuffs we encounter, the more difference we can see about life. About what we want. About what we treasure. About our priority. About the hardship. About the friends whom we really cherish. About the past that we learned from. About who we want to be. Well, some have changed only a little since the last time I met them. The same old attitude. The same way of how they talked.

But well, I guess it is from these 2 differences that I see clearer about goals in life. Talking to them makes me feel that I got lots of area to improve. A different perspective of life. An updated version of 'definition of life'. And makes me feel that, I don't want to go back. Haha, no, I'm just kidding. In fact, I really thank God for this opportunity. I wouldn't have had so much changes in life if not because of this scholarship. I would have had emptier life. That's why I thank God for this chance. I really do.

Well, after all,  it is through changes that we know ourselves better.


Arghhh, better start packing my stuffs for the trip. Adios Leute!

Tiger.

Back in Kuching. And dizzy. Thinking from -4°C to 29°C seriously makes me sick.

It was quite a journey, nevertheless, I'm safe and sound. A lot of things has changed. But some remains, here back in Malaysia, only. Those that simply reminds me of of-all-the-things-that-you've-done stuffs. =)

Dragged straight to visit relatives, directly after touching down at Kuching International Airport. So I'm a piece of dead fish now.

Well, being together with family simply fun. Mom is happy to see all the children back.

Kepanasan yang ketara - kena mandi banyak.

You, me, and them, have changed. Along with our different paths taken, my thoughts about you remain. Would you be the same, if you were to not know?

Fuh. Well, time to bed.

Oh, happy Chinese New Year. Tiger roars. or not. =P and belated Valentine.

they whom I should apologize

I wish I have a time machine. To go back in time.

To apologize while I still can to certain people in my life. You all made me feel bad, as I thought back what happened last time.

I wish I was clever enough, or seen much enough not to hurt you all. However, it's not possible now.

I remembered your face, as you turned around and look at me, because of my carelessness, I hurt your head with a ruler. I wonder how you're doing? Primary school, that certainly long time ago, no? However, it's impossible that you're reading this, no? If only you know, how much the impact was that on me.. =(

-

I couldn't remember your face that time. I was supposed to sit beside you. Yet I wasn't. Because my heart was somewhere else. That was far-fetched, like the moon in the sky - as close as it is in the water, but just another mirage image. I should've stayed there with you. Thank you for the entrance ticket though. I never thought I could go, you made it real. Yet I screwed it.

This time, when I go back, I'll be meeting you. This time, for sure, I want to say sorry to you. That's why, wait for me, okay? I want to talk to you face to face. I want to apologize. It was supposed to be a treasure yet I misused it.

Gomen ne. =( 미안 해요 (and I'm not sure if this is correct, but you should be understand this. But if only you to know this blog.), aber ich danke dir.

The third world

There are a lot of things that I don't understand about this world. There are a lot of things that we all don't know.

I'm just a little envy, why others need not to go through things that I'm going through. They just live their lives normally, carefree without chasing some elements that they want to achieve. I envy, because they are simple. Because they do not need to think about life. "Happy go lucky", "things are destined and it useless to struggle against it" etc. At the same time, I felt sad for them. They live a life where all they do is to wait the curtain of the world to unfold itself and accept what comes to them. But surely, they chose the easier path. As claimed by them.

I'm also envy of those so-called dream-chasers. They have the goals in their lives and they pursue after them. Once they reached the goals, they set another new ones and the cycle continues. And they're getting more stronger and more successful in life. This kind of people will achieve lots of things in life, things that changes the world, things that make them outstanding. These are the people who will be pointed as leaders and will lead the world to a better future, at least that's what they're supposed to do. Under them are those light-life people, who just follow what is given from the leaders.

Somehow, this forms a 'stability' system of the world, in a way. Leaders and followers - the analogy is just as same as industrial nations leading agricultural nations. One will lead and the other will follow. Certainly the leaders look more supreme, but without the supporters, they're merely puppets. They must co-exist. Because we can't have the all countries as industrial nations. Neither can we have only agricultural nations. They need each other.

Then it comes to the third group, which I believe that's where I am now - those who are stuck in between; the grey zone. The fact is, as I've mentioned, I don't want to be in that group of people who believe in 'Destiny'. I believe that even if it is fated, if one don't make any move to acquire it, he will not have that fate anyway. On the other hand, neither would I want to be just a dream-chaser, ignoring what is along the way but push towards the goals that I set for myself. I want to treasure the surroundings along the way.

That is what I want. But the sad part is that I don't know what I want to achieve in life. Yes, there're certain aspects that I have set it as my goals based on what I believed in. But other than that, seriously I don't really know. They're vague images in my head. Somehow, they seem to be too far from me. "It's pointless if you're only doubting if you can or not. The moment you take a step, that's when your dream is nearing you," I was once told. "We don't know what is lie ahead of us, but first we must decide, and then persevere on the decision that you've made". However, I feel I'm not capable. I do not belong to the first group of people anymore, but neither do I have the characteristics of the second group.

Something is missing, I conclude. Maybe I'm doubtful about my life. Maybe I'm unsure about all the decisions that I've made, once again. After seeing 'how things turn out under my leadership', I doubt myself again. I am weak, very weak. I couldn't be stern. I know I'm being too soft. I also don't want that kind of oracle-follower wall to form between me and my people. But...

But it's hard. Normally at this point I would have given tons of excuse to dodge the problem. I could've claimed that things are flooding over me and I couldn't even digest what I already have. I could've said that my foundation is not firm yet and people keep pushing me. I would've claimed that I have to pick up all these because of seniority or I'm the only one who is supposed to pick it up. But...

That's not what I want to say. It's part of what I want to learn this year. I want to pick up the blames on myself. I want to take the responsibility. I don't want to blame other people. I want to solve the mess that I've caused. It's not always that Batman is there to save the Gotham City. I've been told about my weakness. Don't get me wrong, I'm agree with that very well. I want to change also. Talking to a friend the day before yesterday, I learned another new problem that lies inside the tangle - "what the point of all these changes if I do not make it in time?" Then I'll still need to pay the price. In the end, I wonder how much resources that I can afford to spend.

I don't know. I don't really know. But one of the things that I've learned is this:

"Because the juice is worth the squeeze."


However, is this really true? Sigh.