The third world

There are a lot of things that I don't understand about this world. There are a lot of things that we all don't know.

I'm just a little envy, why others need not to go through things that I'm going through. They just live their lives normally, carefree without chasing some elements that they want to achieve. I envy, because they are simple. Because they do not need to think about life. "Happy go lucky", "things are destined and it useless to struggle against it" etc. At the same time, I felt sad for them. They live a life where all they do is to wait the curtain of the world to unfold itself and accept what comes to them. But surely, they chose the easier path. As claimed by them.

I'm also envy of those so-called dream-chasers. They have the goals in their lives and they pursue after them. Once they reached the goals, they set another new ones and the cycle continues. And they're getting more stronger and more successful in life. This kind of people will achieve lots of things in life, things that changes the world, things that make them outstanding. These are the people who will be pointed as leaders and will lead the world to a better future, at least that's what they're supposed to do. Under them are those light-life people, who just follow what is given from the leaders.

Somehow, this forms a 'stability' system of the world, in a way. Leaders and followers - the analogy is just as same as industrial nations leading agricultural nations. One will lead and the other will follow. Certainly the leaders look more supreme, but without the supporters, they're merely puppets. They must co-exist. Because we can't have the all countries as industrial nations. Neither can we have only agricultural nations. They need each other.

Then it comes to the third group, which I believe that's where I am now - those who are stuck in between; the grey zone. The fact is, as I've mentioned, I don't want to be in that group of people who believe in 'Destiny'. I believe that even if it is fated, if one don't make any move to acquire it, he will not have that fate anyway. On the other hand, neither would I want to be just a dream-chaser, ignoring what is along the way but push towards the goals that I set for myself. I want to treasure the surroundings along the way.

That is what I want. But the sad part is that I don't know what I want to achieve in life. Yes, there're certain aspects that I have set it as my goals based on what I believed in. But other than that, seriously I don't really know. They're vague images in my head. Somehow, they seem to be too far from me. "It's pointless if you're only doubting if you can or not. The moment you take a step, that's when your dream is nearing you," I was once told. "We don't know what is lie ahead of us, but first we must decide, and then persevere on the decision that you've made". However, I feel I'm not capable. I do not belong to the first group of people anymore, but neither do I have the characteristics of the second group.

Something is missing, I conclude. Maybe I'm doubtful about my life. Maybe I'm unsure about all the decisions that I've made, once again. After seeing 'how things turn out under my leadership', I doubt myself again. I am weak, very weak. I couldn't be stern. I know I'm being too soft. I also don't want that kind of oracle-follower wall to form between me and my people. But...

But it's hard. Normally at this point I would have given tons of excuse to dodge the problem. I could've claimed that things are flooding over me and I couldn't even digest what I already have. I could've said that my foundation is not firm yet and people keep pushing me. I would've claimed that I have to pick up all these because of seniority or I'm the only one who is supposed to pick it up. But...

That's not what I want to say. It's part of what I want to learn this year. I want to pick up the blames on myself. I want to take the responsibility. I don't want to blame other people. I want to solve the mess that I've caused. It's not always that Batman is there to save the Gotham City. I've been told about my weakness. Don't get me wrong, I'm agree with that very well. I want to change also. Talking to a friend the day before yesterday, I learned another new problem that lies inside the tangle - "what the point of all these changes if I do not make it in time?" Then I'll still need to pay the price. In the end, I wonder how much resources that I can afford to spend.

I don't know. I don't really know. But one of the things that I've learned is this:

"Because the juice is worth the squeeze."


However, is this really true? Sigh.