Undo me

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

UNDO

(By: Rush of Fools)

I've been here before

Here I am again

Standing at the door

Praying You'll let me back in

To label me a prodigal would be

Only scratching the surface

Of who I've been known to be

Turn me around

Pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You

I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only One who can undo what I've become

I focused on the score

But I can never win

Trying to ignore

A life of hiding of my sin

To label me a hypocrite would be

Only scratching the surface

Of who I've been known to be

Make every step bring me back to

The sovereign way that You

Turn me around

Pick me up

Undo what I've become

Bring me back to the place

Of forgiveness and grace

I need You

I need Your help

I can't do this myself

You're the only One who can undo what I've become

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A tear dropped. Followed by streams of tears all the way down the beige face.

*

It was another great wonderful Saturday and I woke up with joyful heart. I washed up myself, and went to find my mentor and his friend, along with one of my friends. We were supposed to meet them at 10am, but in the end, it was quite late until we went to his place.

Talked, and went for my new experience with God - Evangelism. We played guitar at the core of Heilbronn. It was fun.

**

Came back at 2pm, went back to my room, and suppose to help out for the barbecue. 14:30 supposed to start, but I went over at that time. And the barbecue preparation continued. We had much fun and relaxing life.

***

He asked, if I would go for the Church Caregroup. He could not make it due to some unsettled tasks he had. I saw his hope that I would go. I sensed the test. A test to test if I could stand without the crutch. I said to myself, "I don't want to fail the test".

"Yes, I will go."

****

Effect of barbecue was the tiredness. I woke up at 7am. Looked at my friend, who still sleeping quietly on the mattress, with blocked ears.

"Let's sleep a while more, ok?" I smiled to myself.

And it looped few times. He took control, or rather, I slid and let him took control. At least that's what I interpreted. My bus was at 9:06am. My train to Stuttgart was 9:26am. I woke up at rolled on bed until 9:34am. Bye bye everything. My fault.

The consequence was heavy. He was not pleased with my attitude. Silence covered between us. I could sense the difference that day. And from Heilbronn all the way to Stuttgart we spoke not even 5 sentences. Until when we were taking S-bahn, he began to say what he wanted to say. Something that I knew will come.

He talked about the word "trust". And yes, our daily deeds affect other people's trust on us. You might not notice it. But it is very simple to understand. Say you organize an event, and you invite your friends to come, say 8:30pm. But you know who is going to be late. No offense, but it's Malaysian culture. That's why you won't be angry at them, because that's the level of trust in punctuality of them. If a person is one who comes really punctual at time as mentioned, you won't be late to meet him up, no? He continued with saying about disciplinary. Rather saying "you can't help it", "I don't want it to be like this too", "看看先" etc, you know yourself better than anyone else, except God of course. If you are tired, rather make a decision and don't go rather than saying those excuses.

I know he knew this would happen. And I know he does not want this to happen. Yet, I failed. As he talked on and on, my heart was crying. My tears nearly flow out from my eyes. It flowed out, to be exact. I need not to defend myself. I have nothing to defend, in fact. All I could say is a word "sorry", because I know, if I continue to say something, I would cry, on the street of Stuttgart.

*****

Caregroup leader was not happy too. When I said sorry to him, I nearly cried. He told me that this might happen again. He hope it won't, but in case it happened, must let him know. He gave me a hug. Hug of a brother. I felt warm, and want to cry again.

But still, it's pain. But then again, growing up is always a pain process; yet we cannot give up on the way. I walked behind them. I could not dare to look into his eyes. And partly wiping out the tears that accidentally flowed out. Because I know, I would cry. When I was then at home, when I'm composing this entry, my tears flow down.

It's not only about crying, it's about the reasons that you cry for. You cry because you know yourself better now.
Qi Hao

****




Vincent