199 Returning to God

Post-number-seratus-九-und-neunzig =)

Looking back, I felt much glad for today. For the unfortunates and accidents and mistakes in the past, I grew a better today. God really blessed me with lots of people around me to give me supports, just when I need it the most. God really blessed me with lots of people around me to give me opportunity to become better. God really blessed me in different ways to teach me to grow. The question is, am I fully using them?

Come back from everything, I started with  nearly nothing again. New subjects, old subjects, 8am-to-7pm-non-stop-classes, never-free-Wednesdays-Thursdays-and-Fridays, badminton hours, lab assignments, German to improve, new (and very pretty) roommates, plans, uncertainties... it never ends. What's more, I will have harder lifespan here.

But then again, with the increasingly busy life, my spiritual life somehow decreased. Something not there. Talked to my mentor, and the only question he asked me is:

What is your relationship with God?

It stucked me hard hard hard. Yeah, somehow, the fear for my future displaced God from me.

When I told "my faith decreased", I was asked"what is your relationship with God?"

When I told "I admire those who can say 'praise God' in every good and bad situation'", I was asked "what is your relationship with God?"

When I revealed my timetable for wintersemester, I was asked "what your relationship with God?"

As Barbatov scored, I was asked "what is your relationship with God?"

As Barbatov scored again, I was asked "what is your relationship with God?"

So, what is my relationship with God? Or rather, how would I describe my relationship with God? Somehow, along the same question that was asked several times, I couldn't give an answer. What is my relationship with God?

Is He a friend?

Or is He rather a religion?

A belief?

A ceremony?

A person who I can blame on for all the sins that I've made, even just now?

A person who I find, when I have difficulties, like banker when I'm running out of cash?

I want Him to be my best friend ever, but quite some times the selfish side of me took place. Being indecisive, I not responding, just like computer.

Being sinner, I continue to sin, just like most of us.

Being blinded, I see not the eternal rewards, but the earthly ones, just like treasure hunters.

Being confident, I realize not that all these while He was, He is, and He will in control of things, but I depended on my own self-claimed-smartass brain, just like hedonists.

No, I was stupid to not look far. I was stupid to wanting to aim the 1,0 result. I was stupid to depend only on myself. I was stupid not even to learn from mistakes, failures. I was stupid to too on my own. I was too stupid not to think of ways to improve my relationship with God.

A relationship depends from both sides. A truth that speaks in every circumstances. As well as in friendship, love, everything. It is never one-sided effort. So, God has already put in so much effort to build this relationship. He sent His begotten Son and was put to death, bearing not His own sins (for He is sinless), but mine. He has promised the eternal life and eternal rewards for me. Whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but receive eternal life. He has a place for me in His kingdom in heaven. He had me in His mind, even before I know myself. He drew out a unique plan for me. He done a lot of sacrifices to me. It's not that He need me at all to be complete.

He want me.

He want me to be with Him.

Why can't I see this? Why can't I trust in Him? It's not that He failed me. It's because I did not seek him.

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

This quote was pinned on my wall. Yet I never really understand. Or rather believe. Just find Him, and He will guide me throughout my life? My skeptical heart grinned. Sounds of disbelief.

But hey, He will. He will, Qi Hao, He will.

But why with all those negatives? It's because my relationship with Him is not a firmly-bonded friendship. It's because I did not put in effort to come to Him. My faith was down-sliding. During my one-to-one session with my mentor, we sang "Heart of Worship". As we sang the song, I felt like crying. I chose to be disobedient. I chose to wander off. I chose to isolate myself from You.I chose earthly wealth. I chose to indulge myself on earth. I chose to say I love xxx. I chose to hurt people. I chose extreme and hurted myself. I chose talk-crap tongue to speak foul, meaningless words. I've made lots of choices that harmed myself. But now, I chose to come back to You. Nothing but You. Nowhere but You. In your arms. In You.

I've wandered very far away since the day I accepted You.

But now I'm coming back to the heart of worship, when all is about only you.

Once again I look upon the cross where You died, I'm touched by Your mercy. I'm touched by Your grace.

Once again I thank You,

Thank You for the cross, my Lord.

I really want to be Your friend.

This is my God.

This is our God.

This is my friend.

This is our friend.

What is your relationship with God then?

Vincent