My thoughts Part 2 - My cry, my struggle

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
Sorry to everyone, but I insisted to start with number 5. This is not the actual 5th topic that I want to write, but it just fitted in perfectly.

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Today, is just a day after my birthday. I was thinking of blogging something about my birthday celebration, when the thing just happened. It took me 30 minutes to cool down. It took nearly my whole strength to hold back the tears. "As said by Amy, man shouldn't cry," I told myself.

Nevertheless, it was something far more painful than being thrown into a boiling pot, or being pierced by the sharpest sword direct at your heart, both literally and metaphorically. Just imagine, when there's a day, the question that you ask yourself but you do not know the answer is not "when will I die?", instead it is "Why is it that things that you really don't want it to happen happened?"

What will you do? What will you say?


For me, I learned this lesson today. I learned this unanswered-question lesson. Today, is the day when the thing that I really don't want it to happened happened. I'll skip the details. Speculate as much as you want. But, one thing for sure: it did not happen in the past and I was very confident it would never happen, not until today. How do you feel, when one day, the pillar that makes you stand s-h-a-t-t-e-r-e-d?

I had that once, last year. You know what am I talking about. And I never expect it to happen so soon. I was about to finish recovering from the "earthquake", when it happened. I wished it would not happen. But, how cruel it was, it happened.
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Today, I learned a lot:
1. I learned that every decision that I made will affect the future, whether it can be seen tomorrow, 6 DAYS LATER, a week later,a month later, a year, a decade, etc. I am still thinking the reason behind this cruelty. But one thing for sure. This is the fact. The fact that this is what I get if I don't think wisely before making any decisions. If the decision that you made is wrong, it could even take away your precious element in your life, just like my case now. Tears are dancing in my eyeframe. This is what you get for what you have done, they screamed. It is a wake-up call for me though. To wake me up that I shouldn't remain naíve in my thinking. There is no such thing as "it will be fine" in this world. I must be conscious, ALWAYS, of what I am doing. Everyone has only 24 hours a day. When you allocate some time for something, you lose the time for another. It's cruel, but it's a fact. I'm letting you know this fact, accept it before you regret in the future. Therefore, learn to manage time wisely. You might think you are still young to taste the consequences of failure in time management, but it affects your future.

2. I learned that things are never one-sided. The effort ratio, in percentage, between ourselves and God in daily lives is not 100-0, nor 0-100, nor 50-50. It is 100-100. I know it doesn't satisfy any conservation laws in physics. It never is. Albert Einstein proved that Newton's Laws of Motion are not always true through his special relativity theory. I proved it now that this 200%-effort thing is also true. Think these ways:

a. if you put 100% to study and without God, you could fail your exam. You might sick or something during exam.
b. if you put 100% to God and without study, you could might fail your exam. Need explanation?
c. if you put 50% to study and 50% to God, you could also fail your exam.
d. if you put 100% to study and 100% to God, you are guaranteed to pass.

You can validate these statement. Prove me I'm wrong. But think again, what does this 200% thing really means?

It means, you surrender 100% to God that he will fight the battle together with you. If you do so, do not be doubted, God gives always 100% to us. What left now is from ourselves. If you want to excel, 100% effort is the requirement. You want to have best result, you need your own effort. Saying "God will work things out for me" is an excuse, if you do nothing. Christianity lifestyle is an active lifestyle, not a passive one.

3. You are who you are. No matter what your surrounding is, you remain you. If you are ugly, no matter if your friends are Dena? pretty, handsome or not, you are still the ugly. Does this sounds like Amy? Don't think if people around you are smart, you are also one. NO! Everyone has their own elements that define themselves. Seniors are good. It doesn't mean that you are good too. Seniors think Mathe is KACANG, doesn't mean it will be KACANG for you too.

4. Don't be overconfident. It does not happen before does not mean it will not happen. If you never fail Mathe before in your entire past, it doesn't give the definition and assurance that you will surely pass this time. I need to learn to be humble, and not to overconfident about anything. Playing games during exam time? Give me a break. Laugh around during exam week? Give me a break. Say the word "kacang" as I like? Give me a SLAP.

Time to get serious in everything. 20 years old. Yes, old. The sentence in the book saying "you are already 19. Grow up please," could be modified to 20. It is not just a laugh-out-loud joke. Time to move on. Wipe away the tears, and move on. Time to make some changes. Not to remain as 19. Time to do what I have said and vowed, not just making broken promises, like those people living on the earth, promising this and that, but in the end, fulfill none of them.

I don't want to be like this anymore. You should, by now, know what am I talking about.


Vincent