KoGnoLohgy - Chapter 1

Closing a chapter, it means not so that one could move on.

Rather, it shows you hold no longer regrets nor grudges in it.

That is what makes you move forward.

I came to observe, to listen, to speak. I saw, I heard, I spoke.

Yeah, no regrets. No grudges.

There were happy times, there were sad.
There were times of dismay, there were hope.
There were times you wished, there were times you wished you have never.
And thru these new encounters appeared. Greater faith, greater hope, greater love.

Spiritual Fathering With Legacy.
That is, discipleship.
That is, Kingdom of God.

I close this chapter in KL. Thank you people, thank you. Until we meet, again. :')

(Don't cry, cuz it's alright)

What I gained and lost

Starring at this ceiling makes me realize that,
1. I don't have much time,
2. Some things not meant to be,
3. Reunion is something valuable,
4. The consequences of whatever mistakes that we make leads to suffering of not just ourselves, but people around us as well.

Or maybe I should just shut up, when no one asks for my opinion.
Or maybe I should stop giving people hope and chances.
Maybe I should stop giving myself some of these too.

No. It's not meant to be so. It shouldn't be. It mustn't be. Faith, hope, love - they remains. Love never fails.

Mess, is what we are all in.
Mess, is sometimes not from ourselves.
Maybe that's why it is called a beautiful mess.

We ignore the one who adores us,
We adore the one who ignores us;
We love the one that hurts us,
We hurt the one that loves us.
Irony of life.
Iconic of you and I.

How high? How deep? How wide? How strong?

That healing is in your hands.

I know stress is mounting on me. Slowly but surely.  Thesis, exams, new church team, new leadership team, badminton progress... That's how high the stress it could be.

I know I need to go deeper. Into friendship with my treasures, going beyond casual friends, into the understanding of my exams and thesis in order to pass. I need to dwell into His Word more to have great foundation for the church. That's how deep I need to go.

I know the wide distance hurts, where I just can't be there when I know my cousin fainted. Separated from family and friends. Detached from all the world, trying to live according to His standards. That's how wide I feel now.

I know I need to be strong. Stronger to face temptations. Stronger to face uncertainty. Stronger to face the hurt from relationships. Thought I overcame, but to find myself feeling so weak, so useless. That's how strong I need to be.

But how high? How deep? How wide? How strong? No matter where I am, healing is in Your hands. Now by Your Grace I stand, healing is in Your hands.

We're more than conquerers. You keep us by Your love.

God, let me be healed. Inside out.

https://youtu.be/gvciIVl6gRI

4Granted

I do wonder, why are we taking other people for granted?

A little act of someone opening door for us, are we showing gratitude to them?

Are we so obsessed with our own lives that we forget theirs?

This love that we receive from others, are we appreciating it?

This same love that we give to others, are we being stingy and calculating whether they deserve it or not?

Individualistic is so strong. We are so inward-minded.

No, I still fight to be different.

I be that difference.

Love is an action. Action is natural.

Love is,
natural.

Standing strong. 2015

It sucks a lot when I have to burn my supposedly head-start in my life.
Mistakes are costly.
Ignorance is bliss until when it is caught up with you.
What a way to start 2015.

But complaining doesn't (and won't) help either.
(Un)expected things come and go.

I was once told, "we face troubles and difficulties all the time, the challenge is not how big they are, but how much we can withstand and how fast we recover from it." The technical term for it is "down-time". This is my down-time.

If I don't face it now, when will I learn?


Reanalyze. Restrategize. Reprioritize.

That monster is back...?

We all dream dreams. They are normally sweet and nice. But not this time.

It was a scary dream. Not a nightmare, but in the dream my old-self resurfaced. The one that throws stuffs, destroy stuffs, screaming and shouting etc. In the dream I was fighting with all my siblings combined. Why? Just because one thing (Edit: It was Hohes C, an orange juice brand in Germany, funny thing about dream is that we always forget the details about it) that I couldn't find. And one thing led to another, and I wanted to take some stuffs in my badminton bag. Couldn't find, and I start smashing whatever I could see as well.

And my older brother said, "no one is going to give you what you're looking for if you continue with that attitude."

(Heck, I'm actually surprised that my brain still register his voice.)

It happened in my old house before we moved. I don't know why but that old house is rather memorable to me: seems like a lot of dreams happened there.

Mentally not feeling well. Even I myself is afraid of what monster I was in the dream.

The only question I ask now is: Why bringing this up at this time?

Decided... again.

Procrastination is always fun and easy.

But this time, I say to myself:

It's time to move on.


The more you try to prolong something, the more tense it will get.

I don't want to prolong the stay in NRW anymore. It's time to move on.

I thought I could preserve some of the emotions here. It has to go.

It's time to make summary of this chapter, and move on into the next.

I have fear, yes.
I have a little bit of stubbornness, yes.

There's no point to wait. There's no point to wish. It's time, my heart says, to get done with my studies, to get over with the feelings, to get anew what is prepared for me.

It's time to restart the engine.