久久的一次发泄

到了某个时候，
人都会坐下来想：
自己所做的一切，
到底还值不值得呢？

等待，一段不知情的小路。

靠的，只是一个相信。

如今长存的有信，有望，有爱这三样，其中最大是爱。
哥林多前书 13:13

Sometimes I wonder, what did I do wrong? Where did I do wrong? How did I do wrong?

To be honest, I'm quite tired. Tired of dwelling in this repetitive cycle.

Again and again and again. 

Different people. But same loop. Why?

Different subjects. But same loop. Why?

Different occasions. But same loop. Why?

那一个重复的话题。

What is the thing that I should learn but I missed it, again and again and again?

Nights like this are the time where I feel so stressed.

I feel so useless.

I feel so small.

I really want to say I refuse to bow down. I refuse to give in. But I don't know how much I can persevere in this.

Experience tells me I always gave up when I was just that close to victory. I really can't see that step though.

撑得很幸苦啊。

Innovation Indeed

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Sorry for the sudden burst of blog posts. Hey at least I updated this blog right? and the extra effort to change the theme if you haven't notice them. Been around for quite some time already.

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When it comes to future, I'm always unsure about myself. A part of wants to be a specialist. I don't mind sitting in front of computer facing thousands (yes, literally) lines of programming codes without finding it bored. On the other hand, what I'm doing with my studies now is exactly the opposite - being a Automatisierungstechniker (someone who makes automate things) - I only need to have generally sufficient knowledge to put mechanical, electrical, economical, social etc. world into one automated, ideal world. Sounds pretty good, but for now I'm stuck in limbo state - I'm half a bucket of everything.

Why do I say this? I recalled myself telling my mentor that I want to be a specialist in one of his think-tank working groups during Malaysian Christian Network (MCN) meetings. I was kinda sure back then. Today in my Innovationsmanagement (it's German but you figured out what it means don't you) lecture, our professor invited a CEO from one of the founder of O-Flexx GmbH to give a speech. His name is Holger Ulland and he was a mechanical engineering student in this very university - Universität Duisburg-Essen - the one I'm currently studying in. You can even find him in YouTube. O-Flexx is a company that was found in 2006 and they are working on thermoelectric generators. Quite impressive according to his presentation about the company.

So what's the relation? He studied mechanical and he found the company together with another guy who studied electronics. But he's dealing with administration and sales sides of the company while the other deals with the technical side. Yes, administration. But that's not the whole story yet: He's somewhat like me - he's a feeler and emotional (yeah, he somewhat emotionally confessed that out of thin air, which I thought it was unnecessary), which is exactly the kind of person who shouldn't be going into administration side at all. Those are considered weaknesses that can potentially be harmful to the company. I always thought that people like us - the feeler - cannot go far in terms of running a company. How devastating it could be when we exert too much emotions during decision making.Yet there he is, standing live in front of me, talking to us.

The leadership position doesn't belong to those who think, those who have visions, those who are bold in making decisions, even if it could risk the survivability of the company itself. Indeed everyone, including the feelers, can be in that leadership position in a company. In my context it is the house church that I am leading now.

I've been rethinking about my stand regarding the specialist or generalist topic for quite some time already. At the end of the lecture he told us one important message that left me wondering, hard. To the extend that I missed my tram back. The next one is 30 mins later by the way.

He said, we as soon-to-be graduates should start thinking (if haven't) our own strengths and work in towards field (Meh!). Unlike sports, our weaknesses in professions are just normal and cannot be work on. It is our strength that makes us excel in what we do. I know I've heard similar statements from people around me, but this time, coming from people like him, the statement is somewhat clearer. I belong to one of those who hasn't really think much about what my strengths are. And not just that, the false humility that has plagued the Chinese community seems to be strong in me as well. It's still a struggle to accept it when people praise me in things that I do well in. Except badminton, I have long passed that struggle because I know I'm good in it.

That causes me to hold back of my thoughts and ideas. It is because I think there must be someone who has better ideas than I do, although most of the times it turned out that my ideas weren't too shabby after all. It is also because I want to give absolute truth. I don't want to give thoughts to people if I myself do not sure 100% whether it will turn out good or not. And I don't like the idea to point people towards certain direction or imparting ideas on them, because it leaves a trail back to me, if the situation turns out to be bad ("He told me so!"). I had done these quite a few times and I blamed myself hard for that after that. I didn't want to take the blame for decisions make by others. Anything except when it comes to my faith in Christ.

The person who doubts and remain immobile will always be the one who accomplishes nothing in the end. The one who dares to make a move will find out whether the outcome is good or bad. The outcome for those who doesn't will remain as what we called Schrödinger-cat observation - You know it could be good or bad, but you are not certain which one of the two.

It takes wisdom, then, before making a bold move. It also takes courage to bear the consequences, especially when things don't turn out to be what we expected. Then it takes courage again to recover from the fall.

It doesn't matter if we stumble or not, but how fast we can (and want to) recover when we fall.

So the lesson for me to learn here is to be bold to take move. Such a revelation and reminder as I start to doubt myself, not just as a master student, but also as a house church leader.

Hope these stick this time.

Solo Worship Night

The rain outside.
The tiredness within.
The worry of the exams.
House church.
Relationship with people.

No, let me just spend this rainy night with You, Lord.

Let me just cast all of my worries upon You, for You said,

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:30 NIV

Let me just cry out to You, for You're where my help comes from.

My help comes from the Lord,

The Maker of heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:2 NIV

Let me proclaim that You reign, my Lord, let Your Kingdom reign.

You, Lord, reign forever;

Your throne endures from generation to generation.

Lamentations 5:19 NIV

It's another reminder for me again and again, of that moment when Jesus was crucified on the Cross.

And when they had come to the place called Calvary, there they crucified Him, and the criminals, one on the right hand and the other on the left.

Luke 23:33 NKJV

But the other, answering, rebuked him, saying, “Do you not even fear God, seeing you are under the same condemnation? And we indeed justly, for we receive the due reward of our deeds; but this Man has done nothing wrong.”
Then he said to Jesus, “Lord, remember me when You come into Your kingdom.”

And Jesus said to him, “Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise.”

Luke 23:40-43 NKJV (Italics mine, read Luke 23 for whole context)

Imagine yourself being that person, being told that you will be with Jesus in Paradise. Will worries for the exams, relationship with people, all the wealth this world can offer, all the glories that this earth can bear, means anything to you than this assurance that you can have that is in Christ Jesus?

Calvary - Hillsong Live
Glorious Ruins - Hillsong Live 
Holy Spirit (Bryan and Katie Tolwalt) - WorshipMob
God I Look To You (Jenn Johnson) God Be Praised (New Life) Our God Reigns (Delirious) - WorshipMob

One of the best worship nights ever, in my life. Should have more such night spent with God.

Das Festival 2014 - Wir sind am Ende!

Are you going? I'm excited!

1. Meeting new people
2. Hearing new stories
3. Serving in kids ministry
4. Babyphone-sitting LoL
5. Surprise me, God.

It's the last BIG Christian camp by Hoffnung Deutschland (Hope Germany). Next year we will multiply into smaller Festivals.

If you're reading this, and you wish to go, head on to Hope Germany Website and register!
Ask me if you need any help.

Book 3 - In The Grip Of Grace by Max Lucado

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39 NIV

How powerful is that.

p/s: Sorry this took awhile to be uploaded. I finished reading this book more than a month ago.
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To be honest, my perspective of life got changed after reading this book. Perhaps I didn't speak this out, but i always had the idea that I have to do a thing to deserve ONE blessing from God. So I made a lot of promises to God, which in the end failing most of them, hopefully in return of His blessings.

Max Lucado started the book by telling "The Parable of the River". About 4 brothers got "washed away" by the gushing riverflow and stuck in some no-man-land. Then their person is revealed and is compared to Paul's letters to the Romans (Romans 1-2)
1. The hedonist - The one who traded the Glory of God who lives forever for worshiping idols of the earth. Mostly because they couldn't wait for the eternal.
2. The judgmentalist - The one who points at the hedonist and patted himself and say, "at least I'm not as bad as they are". They think they can judge others.
3. Legalist - The one who thinks his own effort is enough to bring him back to God. Or tries to. And in the end they'll give up because none of their effort seems to bringing them back to God.

"Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are"

Who Am I - Casting Crowns

4. The one who patiently waiting for the fifth, older, and stronger brother to come to save them because the Father sent him.

It's a great start to see and how these can actually relate to the people in this world today - just either one of them.

What A Mess I'm In!
That was exactly my thought half way through the book. When we talk about God's justice, the standard is so high that ALL of us fall short of it. It's so easy to fall under temptation of this world - fame, wealth, position etc. And the moment when we seek after all these worldly things, we are considered sinners. He is a jealous God, after all. And it is impossible for anyone to be sinless. And thus it is impossible for anyone to be total righteous before God.

 For the wages of sin is death.

Romans 6:23a NIV

So technically you and I are meant to be.. dead.

Credits Where Credit Is NOT Due
Despite the fact that God's standard is so high, He's also a loving God. And here comes the famous quote:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

John 3:16 NIV

And that's Jesus. Our salvation is secured thanks to Jesus who is blameless and sinless, yet was given as the wage for the sins we've committed, committing and will commit. It is this Grace of God that was given to us so that we could come back to God. It is this gift that we're not deserved that our relationship with God is restored to how it supposed to be, back in the Garden of Eden, before the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil incident. 

Often, however, this credit is not given back to Jesus who has done so much for us. The price that He paid on the cross wasn't big enough for us to understand how much God loves us. The gift, which is given to each and everyone of us, is left unopened by some of us, because it's just too good to be true. If you want something, you need to work for it - that's how things are in this world. But it is exactly because this gift is not from this world that the Grace of God works differently - It is because you're undeserved that it is given to you. (Now open it if you haven't!)

And the great thing doesn't just end here. His love endures forever. This love that He has for you, it's eternal. God doesn't hate you just because you sinned against Him. He loves you more than you could ever imagine. And we are called to do the same.

Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.

Romans 12:9b NIV

It comes back to the power verse that I quoted in the beginning of this post:

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39 NIV

The thing is, the whole topic about God-Grace-Sin is so simple yet sounds too good to be true. But the fact is: it is true. It is when you're in the grip of this grace, you get to see the whole core about this God.

And I'm so blessed to have given a first-hand experience of this grace. Here's my testimony on April 7 2014:

So here I am, sitting in Starbucks Forum. And suddenly this guy approached me, begging for money with a paper scribbled with some broken English. He was just another beggar, I thought.

Reminded of the conversation I had with Jien-Mae yesterday regarding giving, and I was reading Lucado's regarding freely giving just as we are given(pg110), I decided to give 2 euros. Practically 50% of the cash I have on myself now.

Then he kept asking for more, kept pointing at his paper (I've read it but have no idea what's it about). He's now looking into my eyes, full of pity. And I looked at his, a little frustrated.

Suddenly my phone vibrated - Facebook notification of a comment made on my status from Gloria who helped me a lot to know Christ.

That's when I realized his other hand was 2 inches from my phone and tablet. That explained his awkward positioning of his paper which was then beside my bag. That's when I quickly took away my gadgets. That's when he turned and fled.

That's when I understood how much God loves me. I am, in the grip of His marvelous grace. Felt like crying, not because of I was nearly get picked, but stunned and amazed by His protection over me. Our God is greater. 

In short, read the book. I highly recommend this book. Ask from me if you want to read the book. I think this book gives a perfect picture of the whole grace and salvation that Christianity is preaching.

Sir, you know

Then one of the elders asked me, “These in white robes—who are they, and where did they come from?”
I answered, “Sir, you know.”
And he said, “These are they who have come out of the great tribulation; they have washed their robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb. Therefore,
“they are before the throne of God
    and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne
    will shelter them with his presence.
‘Never again will they hunger;
    never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat down on them,’
    nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
    will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’
    ‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’”
Revelations 7:13-17 NIV

I'll tell you what, I want to be one of them. As simple as that. As pure as that. Let no distractions nor wealth nor power nor women nor pride nor anything else in this world take away this very hunger of mine to seek Him. 

He is God, the Who-I-Am, and there is no one else who is worthy, none beside thee.

Let the Spirit of the Lord, Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, Spirit of counsel and might, Spirit of Knowledge and fear of the Lord, to fill me inside out. (Isaiah 11)