This journey is hard. God, how can I actually endure through it?

傻笑 - 周杰伦 ft. 袁咏琳

..::*+ 前言 +*::..
说实在的，只有周董能唱出我的心声 - 每一词、每一句。

叹。。。。。

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[Verse1]
男／眼看着手机里 没讯号
担心你的回信我 收不到
哪怕只传来一个 微笑的符号
我都会舍不得 删掉



[Verse2]
女／电台传来天气 的预报
想起你为我遮雨 的外套
合／客厅的电视播放 偶像剧频道
羡慕他们为爱 在争吵



[Chorus1]
男／你在我 的面前微笑 装不知道
女／其实你 告白的简讯 我有收到
合／（男）你说我 爱太 晚到 （女）为何你 爱要 晚到
合／只能像 朋友般 拥抱 Yeah～



[Chorus2]
男／你说他 的用心付出 比我早到
女／对你的 温柔只能放 心里收好
合／（男）你说我 爱太 晚到 （女）为何你 爱要 晚到
合／怎么做 我们彼此才 不会伤到



[Verse3]
男／我记得你爱喝 的饮料 （女）的饮料
也排队买你爱吃 的面包 （女）的面包
却只能对你远远 的会心一笑 （女）的会心一笑
连你的手都牵 不到



[Verse4]
女／你说你有多的 电影票 （男）Yeah～
男／你知道（女）事情没有（合）那么巧
合／（女）但很窝心的是你怕我无聊 （男）但很窝心的是我怕你无聊
合／（女）你比他清楚我的心跳 （男）我比他清楚你的心跳



[Chorus3]
男／你在我 的面前微笑 装不知道
女／他没有 不好只是话 越聊越少
合／（男）你说我 爱太 晚到 （女）为何你 爱要 晚到
合／错过了 幸福的 味道 Yeah～



[Chorus4]
男／用记忆 在对你拍照 让人难熬
女／其实我 对于你的好 也曾动摇
合／（男）你说我 爱太 晚到 （女）为何你 爱要 晚到
合／对的人 不对的时间 却放不掉

well, is clean sheet important?

When it (really) Counts - Ep 4

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
Lots of things are going on around me. Need a time-out this Wednesday.

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Today I wanted to give it a try - an unplanned, last-minute attempt. I told myself, this is the last thing that I would do. And fairly enough, it didn't turn out to be the way I wanted it to.

So here I am, blogging again about some thoughts. To be honest, I felt as if I'm Tammy, at the same time Matt, but trying to be Justin.



Sometimes it really feel unjust  sad to have awesome attractive  friends around you, and no matter how much you want that chosen one to look at you, she looks at him instead. Sometimes this awesome friend might be too busy to hope that another girl will notice him - the exact feeling that you have about your chosen one.

Then again, there's this (perhaps these) other girl(s) who shares this feeling that you have; just that that feeling is for you.

I'm not bla-ing about how I feel now (though it is true). I just think that,

we all should cherish those who love you, and it's a privilege to have someone whom you love who loves you back as well.

I just want her to notice me, at least. It's impossible, nevertheless, when the other person is better in everything that you're good at.

Comparison is like vacuum cleaner ('cause it sucks) but that's how certain elements are being noticed. They don't use the term "alpha male" in vain. I just feel sorry for those betas. Including myself.

But, as much as I feel as if I'm the victim, there should be someone else who becomes victims because of me.

p/s: Just for the record, it turned out to be a more constructive day despite this disappointment.

Prophecy

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..
Instead of going to school, I stayed home. Instead of lying in bed because not feeling well, I decided to blog.

Hello "friend"!

This "friend" of mine went through lots of ups and downs in my life. For that I'm eternally in debt.
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People are wondering how I am doing in this new place. I must admit there're number times when I cried, (in fact, just yesterday night) some unhappy things happened and stuffs, but all I can say is, I am who I am and I insist not to live as who you think I should be.

And God is faithful. And He knows me way better than I know myself. I still think making the decision to come to Duisburg is the best decisions I have made in the past 3 years (sounds like some ungrateful kid huh?)

Clueless of what I'm talking about? I guess everyone deserves to know what happened. And so the story goes..

Once upon a time.. Nah I'm not gonna do that. Okay seriously, here goes.

I love my previous house church. But over the past one year I really do sense the urgency to really rise up and take up responsibility as a child of God. And I knew that wasn't just an urge by myself, because it kept coming to me. I knew, that it was the time to change season, after having the field completely empty because of the previous harvest, which one 5 years ago. I felt so comfortable in group, that I couldn't see the growth of myself. In short the curve was like a capacitor, and I was reaching the saturation point.

This wasn't right. I need to "step out of my comfort zone". A phrase that everyone says but only minors actually execute it. I couldn't remember how much or how long I started to pray to God, "God, I need to grow, I need to change, I need to discharge, I know it's time to change season.. but there's so so so many uncertainties in my life - Bachelor studies, what should I do after that, where am I, where am I heading to - and I just don't know where to start from. Lord, help me to choose, shut the doors that are not meant to be opened, and I will follow."

Simple prayer as that and God really showed His power: He shut off lots of chances, and slowly it was clearer and clearer that, Baden-Württemberg is not the place to change season. But stuffs happened: I know clearly, that the easiest and most comfortable door is to stay in Heilbronn. Nevertheless it was shut down: Hochschule Heilbronn rejected me (I couldn't believe it even until this point). I had to finish up my Bachelor-Thesis as soon as possible so that I could use the result to apply for universities.

God, however, is not a God who makes us to be His robots either: We all have our own free-will to choose. He granted me choices: both Universiti Kassel and Universiti Duisburg accepted me. But I knew clearly, Duisburg is the place because it is the place where the spiritual support and growth are the strongest.

Despite that, home is still where the heart is, and that time it was still belonged to Heilbronn. By then lots of things happened. Unforeseen circumstances happened, and I messed up quite a lot in terms of my relationship with people. I disappointed the trust and respect of a lot of people around me. And some of the mess I carried up to Duisburg.

But God convicted me during Regional Weekend. It was so hurting that I couldn't stop crying during a worship session, when God convicted me through the teaching before the worship. I couldn't take it anymore. I sensed that God said, "convictions and repentance start only when you start to let accountable people to share the load with you." And God sent people to me, to hear my problems, funny enough that they are two of the few people I felt comfortable with; people whom I've known for at least 2 years. It really felt that a heavy burden was lifted off from my shoulder.

By then I mixed into the new house church here under the lead by Jia Uei and I began to understand that, like how He led me to Christ over the past 18 years, He is leading me to His purpose and plan for me. I am convinced, that the Lord our God is changing the season - it is the time to sow seeds and start to grow. I began to see the bigger picture, and couldn't stop but to be amazed by how great God is.

God did not just put me around with passionate people. He stirred up this passion for His name within me - the passion to rise up.

Today I can say that I am thankful that our God is real and His ways are higher than anyone of us. He has plans and purpose to each and everyone of us.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

It is such an encouragement to hear and to know and to understand and to be reassured that I am wonderfully and beautifully created and knitted together [by God]. I am His child; I am His household; I am His son and He loves me so much.

To be assured of His heart and His acceptance of who I am in His sight

To lift up my head, and to see His grace and love and mercy that flows in and through me

"I will cause there to be increase in pray in your life, compassion for others, because you begin to see people for who they are and you would not judge them but to come [to the Lord] to say 'God, I beg you to touch their lives'".

"if you would give yourself faithfully to this prayer and to be faithful and consistent surely you will see My mighty hands move."

"Do you not know that My Spirit is in You?" says the Lord Almighty.

God does forgive His people when they come before their feet, to be thoroughly honest and repent on their wrong doings. But God never say that they are free from the consequences that they have to bear because of that. There's an analogy to it:

There's this young man in his teenage life, and often he was angry on people who does wrong at him and condemned them. Realizing that that was wrong and he had to change, he came to his father. His father led him through the kitchen to the backdoor to their courtyard, and told him, "son, the next time when you feel angry at someone, instead of releasing anger on them, you take this nail and hammer it into the wooden doorframe. And every time you forgives someone, you plug on nail out from the door."

And the teenager followed his father's instruction. In the beginning there were so many nails hammered into the doorframe. But the teenager kept trying to forgive and up to a certain point, the number of nails started to decrease. Finally one day, he managed to not to have any more nails on the doorframe. He was so happy, and he brought his father to the doorframe and said, "look father, there're no more nails on the doorframe."

The father took at look at the doorframe and said, "yes son, it's good that you have forgiven them, but you see, son, the the doorframe is no longer as smooth and pretty as before. That's the consequence that one has to bear for every sin we committed."

I teared, knowing I'm exactly the sinning son. So, despite the fact that God promised that He will always forgive us, it doesn't mean we don't have any aftermath/consequences to bear. So the best way is, nevertheless, repent and stop sinning.


A lot of things in mind, but I will prepare myself well.


..::*+ Outro +*::..
Got my Google Nexus 7 3G. Tell you more next time, if you all still reading my blog ;)

The Lego House I wanted to build

I want to submit this area into His mighty hands; Give up, and follow Him only, knowing that my God is the God who provides. And I have confidence in His providence when the timing is, as usual, right.

Heilbronn :(

Goodbye, Heilbronn.

Farewell is so far the hardest thing for me to do. It's not because I'm too attached to people here, but rather it's a start where things will get worn out or worse: gone.

A lot of things had happened during my nearly 5 years of stay in Heilbronn. It'll be fun in Duisburg as well, I know.


But as said:

Once a Heilbronner, always a Heilbronner.


Take care, people. :)