What I've learned this week

Prejudice
is what that is in people's eye of you

Label

is what you are tagged

Better

is what we all want

Others

is who we always wanted to be

Waiting

is what we all fail to do

Mind

is what others don't catch on you.

Me

is the only happiness to yourself

Give and take

is the balance in a relationship

Treasure

is what we realize after we lose something

You

is whom I love.

Understand

is what you have not about me

I

is tired.

I-O

If you see the limit, will you give up?

If you know the difference, will you stop trying?

If you realize that it is hard, will you push on?

If you understand it is impossible now, will you endure?

If you feel the pain, will you cry out loud?

If you are suppressed, will you still stand up?

Now if you look back, will you be proud of it?

If you take one step backwards, will you see the bigger picture?

If you have known the outcome, will you still give it a shot?

If you ever fall down, will you recall how did you fall?

Now if you understand this feeling, will you mixed up?

Or will you be still, and wait patiently and quietly?

Or will you trust in God for the things unseen?

Or will you remind yourself of God's promises?

Or will you seek Him first?

And will you say yes?

Good is God. God is good.

Today is a good day. A lot happened:

1. I felt really bad because I missed 1 class, finally after not-missing so many class. But...

2. My new guitar is on the way. Got it for nearly half price of the original price with first-hand product. Electric guitar and for the time being, maybe I'll just borrow amplifier from friend because money. =( And and and it's Made In Korea, so you know what that means. =)

3. I dared myself to challenge the best badminton player in my badminton hall. Although we didn't play a match and I know I'll surely lose to him if we ever play, but he was very friendly. Had strokes and yea, finally can see my weaknesses after being forced to run. That couldn't be seen through normal laugh-and-play with them. *Sorry*. Although tired, I mean really really tired, I felt good. I have not feel so much better since long time ago. It's like, you're being challenged, and you're eager to win. So you ran around chasing the ball. Doing tricks, dummies. I'll challenged him for a single match, when I think I'm ready. Will start improving myself by playing with Germans from now onwards. =D I should go profi.

4. This weekend we gonna have first ever HG-Meeting at Karlsruhe-Durlach. Apparently our Oracle is back in action, alive and kicking real hard so yea. OOOHHH, plus, hehe, you might get jealous by the following line:

Got Honey Star!!!!!!

But I need to remind Steph to bring. So please please please remind me to remind her to bring on Saturday night. =D

5. I'm still waiting, yet for some other good news. You want to tell me?

When you live your life focus on God, situations might be easier than you thought. Knots could be loosen before you notice them. Start small, think big. He says =)

Ciao~ Ohhh wait, you know how good is good feeling is? Lemme show you:

Identity v1.1 (20091111)

Version 1.1 (20091111)

..::*+ Introduction +*::..

A week has passed since I started my 'self evaluation and identification project' on myself. The due date is up, and I think I want to write them down here, for a recording, on today, 20091109.

..::*+ Notes +*::..

1. "The purpose of this post is to let you see who you are and how you overcome the weaknesses, not just a presentation." - Steph

2. "There's nothing wrong with hungering for attention. We just need to know to before that, hunger for His attention. The attention that the world gives, give it to Him." - Amy

--

So what I've collected so far?

1. I am a Child of God

I realized I'm actually being lucky and was given chance that I can be a Christian at this age. I felt lucky because I wasn't born in a full Christian family and that alone made me to make this decision based on my own's experiences of how real God is. One of the common 'threats' that 2nd and above generation Christians face is that because of the environment they're in, they don't really know if it's a self-conscious decision or not. And I am glad because I no need to go through that stage. And being a Christian, I know one of my purposes on earth is to be more and more like Christ. And I am forgiven, and loved, by a big big God.

2. I am a JPA scholar

That alone speaks that I'm not just alone lucky to be selected from I-don't-know-how-many people. I used to think that I'm not worth a scholar just because I know something went under the desk and if it wasn't because of that, I wouldn't be here. But further and bigger thought: If it is not planned by God to send me here, I wouldn't be here. And to think of how much I've grown after I left my house, I am a JPA scholar. And what does that mean? It means I am capable of doing what others had achieved here. And the reason of why a boy who scored 1st in nearly all Primary school years unable to be who he was in the past is simply because of laziness and distractions. And I know I must start working on in that area, and that means now.

3. I am the BEST badminton player.

To think back, I was one of the best in my training ground. I was ranked 2nd/3rd in Sarawak Badminton Association and I have the chance to train myself, which led me to who I am now. I was a 'Project Player' and that means I have the requirements to be the best. If I could rule my Primary School till Secondary School and even in INTEC, why should I minus the time that I've spent on badminton? In fact, giving up badminton training in early secondary school life, hoping to use the time for studies, was an excuse. I could've been selected to play in sport school. So, since I've come so far, and knowing I can go further, and I feel good every time I play, why stop?

4. I am no longer just 晴天

Yes, my song is not just 晴天 anymore. And I know I've been given chances and opportunities to grow in my guitar skills. It's not a time to let go. It's not a time to waste another chance. I will continue to learn guitar.

5. I am not ready for her.

This is a topic that my mentor discussed with me long ago. I know who I love and I know I am not able to handle a relationship if I'm not ready. And the fact is I'm not ready. So, if I am not ready in those fields, I will work hard on them. That involves improving myself, to be more responsible, caring, loving, understanding... Basically becoming just like him + sensitivity. Seems far.

6. I am a sensitive person

I know what you think, I know how you feel, I understand the situation by your words, your reactions, your actions, your speeches. I observed things that he/she/they doesn't/ don't. So maybe this part is too strong and I want to minimize a little, so that I can be a counselor. I think I'm half of it since I've already a secret keeper of many people. I will work on in this area, parallel with this God-given personality, to help other people. That means I'll have to learn more so that I can give correctly.

7. I am a friendly person

Yes, people always say Kuchingnites are friendly and yes it's true. So, having a good born social skills, I guess all I need now is to work on how to use that as an advantage.

8. I am always to be someone I'm not

In other words, I'm not being myself. This is true, and a lot of times I felt bad about it, but sadly, it's really a fact that I made myself into, and it started since secondary school. I think I'm just like Little Jenny Humphrey of Gossip Girl and I guess I know how she feels. I always try to change myself so that I could fit into a certain group of people. I act strong but actually I'm weak inside. I always try to be someone else. Maybe that answers my questions a lot of times, thinking why I didn't feel the peace or happiness after doing something. The worst thing was, I chose not to be myself. Maybe I forced things too hard to happen rather let it naturally, that people could see that I tried too hard for something.

9. I get influenced easily

I get influenced easily by people, happenings etc and lots of times they just get heated and chilled in blinks of eye. I think this point is a little related to point above. Come to think of it, this is already a threat for me because a lot of times, I think this really caused me pain in the ass. Learn to cook, learn piano, and a lot of stuffs more... I think those are just because-others-can-do-it. Are they really what I want to learn? I doubt myself now. So, I need to settle down on those childish thinkings and be real on what I really want. I tried to come out with this kind of list, but in the end, after few hours I found myself writing and deleting points. He warned me to guard my heart. Although there are a lot of lines that I will not cross, but I guess I've been influenced to cross a lot and come to think of it. I felt bad.

10. I like attention

I seriously think this is true and it got proven last weeks. Yea yea, showing off doing tricks and unnecessary dives in badminton. I like when people watching me play badminton. And I tend to do skills to impress others. I also found myself sitting in front of computer, waiting readily to chat, or viewing xda-developers every 10 minutes and expecting people to reply my posts. He said I'm afraid of loneliness. And although I always denied, but deep inside, a heart felt guilty. To think of it, I know attention is not important and it brings harm more than good, but still I do it. It has something to do with background though, since I always got attention in primary school times. Come to think of it, although I appeared to be preferring to serve off-stage, I want to be on-stage with something I'm good with.

11. I don't take risk

Although there are times when I just jumped into something that I'm not sure of, most of the time I am a bit reluctant to do things that I don't know how to do. I think maybe this has something to do with perfectionistic, as in I want to either: 1) do it and do it perfectly, or 2) not to do it at all. I think some of you also already observed this in me quite long ago. To put it in another view, I think the reason why I don't really putting superb effort in study is because I know I'm not as good as them. If it's something that I don't know how to do, you won't see me having the motivation to do it. I don't play Zergling Rush in less than 5 minutes, but Goliath Rush and after 200 max food limit reached and having perfect defence, which explain why it is always nearly 2 hours of Starcraft gameplay. It's also true generally for every other strategy games that I played. Else I feel insecure.

--

..::*+ Changelogs +*::..

Version 1.1 (20091111)

-Added points 8-11

-Thanks to Amy for the (not so) small testimony.

Version 1.0 (20091109)

-Initial version

-Thanks to Steph, Michelle, Dann, and myself.

New Bottombar =)

As you can see, I've changed bottombar into something else, no longer from firef.ly. Haha, hope you like it =)

1. Join me at the FB community down there.

2. Follow me on Twitter down there. =)

Hehe.

Quit Trying to Please Everybody

September 23, 2009

by Rick Warren

"It is dangerous to be concerned with what others think of you" (Proverbs 29:25 GN).

When we worry about what other people think, we let them control us. We waste a lot of time and energy trying to figure out what other people want us to be. Then, we waste a lot of time and energy trying to become like that rather than just being what God made us to be. You're manipulated and controlled by somebody else.

Worrying about what other people think is dangerous because we're more likely to cave in to criticism. It means we don't always do the right thing; instead, we do the thing that everybody wants us to do.

And we're in danger of missing God's best because we're so worried about what other people what us to do that we can't stop to think about what God wants us to do.

• Fact #1: You cannot please everybody. Even God can't please everybody. One person prays for it to rain; another prays for it to be sunny. In the Super Bowl, both teams are praying that they will win. Who is God going to answer? God can't please everybody. Only a fool would try to do what even God can't do. You can't please everybody.

• Fact #2: It's not necessary to please everybody. There is a myth that says you must be loved and approved by everybody in order to be happy. That's just not true. You don't have to please everybody in order to be happy in life.

• Fact #3: Rejection will not ruin your life. It hurts, sure. It's not fun. It's uncomfortable. But rejection will not ruin your life unless you let it.

Quit trying to please everybody! Remember that nobody can make you feel inferior unless you give them permission.

The Apostle Paul says, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31 TEV) This means we can think like this: 'God likes me, and I like me; if you don't like me, then you've got a problem. If God likes me, who cares that everybody doesn't approve of everything I do.'

Remember, nothing you ever do will make God love you less. Nothing you ever do will make God love you more. He loves you completely right now.

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Identity

I was there.

We were walking.

With our usual conversation.

The one-to-one heart talk.

I felt I'm charged with energy every time I talked to my mentor. But at the same time, I felt down about myself, considering what I had done in my life and comparing to his. We were at the same start line of the race, yet he is now far away and nowhere to be seen. Of course, at a point I'm very glad that God didn't place me through some swarm of toughnesses of which others face. Somehow, at the other point, I feel I'm far from God's standard. To summarize this feeling, it's best described as:

I'm not negative, nor am I anywhere positive.

So this week our walk consist of one topic that I rose. He mentioned this before about this threat long time ago and I still remembered I denied, kind of strongly. But today, I felt ashame of myself. I think I am facing identity crisis.

I always want to be like others. I want piles of friends. I want to play good badminton. I want to learn guitar. I want to learn piano. I want to study. I want to grow stronger in my faith. I want to learn Korean. I want to learn Japanese. I want to shoot nice photos, which come to the idea of getting myself a tempting Sony Alpha 550. I want to become a tutor. I want to become a good CG leader. I want... It doesn't matter what I really want actually, I noticed that these are what others are and they are nice and so I want them.

Of course there are lots of contributing issues and motivations here but I'm not going to talk about that part. What I'm thinking now is more further than that:

What do I really want?

Until now, I don't really know what I really want. As I've been telling people, I'm good in badminton is because the enormous amount of time that I went through, that I became one of the best, and one of the proudest things in my life.

To think of it, it was already an issue ever since I stepped into INTEC. It's just that I wasn't even care to think about it. Now that I think back, I find that, I've been switching myself to satisfy everyone around me and definitely that is not a good feeling. And definitely, I couldn't satisfy everyone; there's nothing like the so-called perfect, other than God.

During the heart-talk, it was really hard for me to tell out things like this. Things that I'm ashamed of myself. Things that have been hiding inside me. It's not the toughest feeling because I know I'm still keeping a dark secret that I can't overcome now. But anyway, he nearly managed to make me cry again.

What I noticed in my life is that I've been trying and working hard to please people. I hate confrontation. Just had that last week and I didn't feel good about it. And pleasing people doesn't make yourself your identity. Of all things, I would just lost my identity in the end.

He once said that

we the scholars, coming to foreign countries to study, is not just about studying but also self-reflection.

I know my life has changed a lot ever since God stepped officially into my life. And I've been through and still going through ups and downs in life. And yet most of the times, I think I'm the one who added burden onto myself.

Does polar bears get lonely?

He said that I'm afraid of lonely. Although my heart is denying, but I feel God is trying to tell me about this. He's not the one telling me to accept his point of view. Michelle's PM also talked about accepting comments and critics from others. And I don't think this is a coincidence.

Which comes to the point. I want to put down everything for a while. I want to stop chasing after unworthy things. I want to stop acting. I want to be myself. No, I want to find myself first.

One can gain your identities from various ways. Of course, what you are doing now is one of them, but I tell you that it won't last forever and I'm sure your heart is not at peace of it. Each and everyone of us can acquire our own identities through various ways. First one of course is given by God. And God created each of us very uniquely that we have our own identities. Second one is through our hardship. We form our identity in ourselves through the effort that we put into things that we want to see to be happening in ourselves.

I want to find back my identity that God gave me. I want to outline who I want to be. That's why, I've decided to put down things that I have on my hands, the silvers and the talents in my pockets, and this heart. But to look to God, look inside of me, and search for myself. Consider this week as self-reflection week. And it means I'll cut off from internet surfing, chatting, etc.

"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well"

Matthew 6:33 NIV

I need to nail that into myself.

Heal my heart and make it clean,

Open up my eyes to the things unseen,

Show me how to love like You have loved me,

Break my heart for what breaks Yours,

Everything I am for your kingdom's cause,

As I walk from earth into eternity.

--

Finally edited a photo, after 3 hours.