The Holy Spirit in 2013

It's not always easy to have things your way, even though you actually mean it for good. It is after this period of transition that I learn that I actually don't really that fit-in to situations easily and as I please. It's always nice to work with people, but the difficulty of getting a work done in a group is exponentially harder with the increasing of number of people.

Utter disappointment of myself, today was. Having this perfectionist side of mine, I couldn't help to set high targets and goals for myself. A level of which I think I'm capable of achieving. But the problem is, that sense of fulfillment that comes after doing something is undoubtedly rare. There's always a part I screwed up, if not the whole thing. There's always some areas where I think it is okay but in fact it's not, according to them. And sometimes I do feel that hey-hands-off-please-this-is-Qi-Hao's-way-to-do-it, but most of the times it only rises another doubt or confusion of what I thought I'm capable of. It's something discouraging, and I felt discouraged. And here I am, sitting here, typing, confused, disappointed, and complaining. I guess you all get this part of me quite often.

I wonder if this is actually why I am never to born to be perfect in something. Or wanting things to be perfect as it should be is the main issue to begin with. Nevertheless, personally I don't think wanting things to be perfect is a wrong thing - it pushes someone to a high-achievement state. Unlocking what you could possibly do more. Discovering yourself deeper. But, the perfectionism element grants me neither adequate motivation nor strong will to make things perfect. In the end, what left is just another mess.

I like the phrase "against the current". This is an action that I openly admit that I cannot do it. To me, it involves a lot of pain, casualties, suffering, hurt, and above all, confusion. Unless the issue is about the Truth - the faith that I have about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit - of course. I cannot be oppressed, else I would turn into confusion. I cannot oppress, for I am not standing unshakably firm on any sort of ideas, religion/faith excluded. I guess I have this individual complex side within me. Taking out religious element, I don't know who I am. Some say I'm too humble to take credits of what I am capable of, but often I just think I'm not that good enough.

It's a constant struggle, in short. The more I discover about life, the more I realized how inadequate I am. The more I go into something, the more I am lost. On a happier note though, I know the Truth. I know the importance of empowerment by the Holy Spirit in life. That's the spiritual answer to this issue. I guess I'm still in the constant struggle of Jesus-like vs. Mr. Hyde within myself. Everyone struggles with this in different stage of his/her life - God-dependent vs. my effort - and where do the credits belong after that. The fact that I never get things done perfectly as it should be might - in fact I hope it is - just be an indication that I'm not that humble enough to be fully submissive and in total reliance of the Holy Spirit.

Thankfully - and I really thank God for this - that the theme for the church in 2013 is about "fueled by the Holy Spirit". To me it's something urgent to understand who the Holy Spirit is and to what extend (obviously duh..) Its involvement in our lives should be. It's about the need - and the wanting of the need - of the Holy Spirit and Its manifestation in our daily lives. It's about exploring and discovering the power of the Holy Spirit. I have a hunch that this is the missing puzzle to the picture of which I want to look at. In fact, maybe it's the bigger picture that I should be looking at.

It is always a mystery to me about how great people (especially those in the Bible) are/were driven by the Holy Spirit. And to go further on that, how does one juggle between dependent on the Holy Spirit versus my own effort. While the technical answer to this is obvious (one shall not simply just stating the obvious), I am looking forward to the practical steps in which I can do it in different areas of my life: eg. the inability to do something perfectly - is it because I am not depending on the Holy Spirit (enough)? How is it feel like to be empowered by the Holy Spirit? What is the result (outcome)? Finding the peace despite the outcome? How do I gain (recover) the confidence in life through the Holy Spirit? The list goes on. There is so much questions I want them to be answered and actually I'm looking forward to uncovering the answers to some of these questions that I have.

Empowered by the Holy Spirit to take moves confidently - this is what I want to learn this year. Sorry for the long posts and thank you for bearing with my complains and stuffs. If you have any words and encouragements please drop something in the comments and above all, keep me in your prayer.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me - John 10:27 NIV

Funny how it turns out to be a teaching for myself. Praise the Lord.