A line I heard from a deary friend.
It made me wonder though,
The sort of changes I have made,
Both actively and passively.
A stream of thoughts flooded me,
A little panic, a little worried,
"Am I... am I...?"
A little shower cleared the mist.
It's not because I do not see you as a friend,
but I no longer see you as a must-be-head-down-with-respect older people;
It's not because I see you all not competitive against me,
but I realize what I should be competing against/with;
It's not because I am egoistic,
but because I want to boost my confidence in doing stuffs;
But then again, I realized that life needs a purpose, a goal, a direction,
Chinese wise said that " 言必信，行必果 ", which means, words must be trust-able, act must be determined.
And I lack of that determination. Drastic changes might come along, but I want this determination; determination to do things, and persevere on whatever choices I have made. I have been always having the thoughts 'what if...', like;
"what if one day I were to find a better job?"
"what if I didn't get accepted for this scholarship?"
"what if I didn't break up with her?"
"what if I God wants to do something greater in me?"
"what if I gone into learning music, my talents would be in better use than studying engineering?"
But in the end, I find that I can start doing something, I can start up a hobby, an interest, a plan, or anything, I can do it well at the beginning, or having the so called beginners' luck. But in the end, after listed down of those that I've done, I find that I like things to have good start, good kick off. Else I would just restart the whole thing if can. And thus I'll be having a great beginning, but as things getting more complicated, and my luck starts to dry out, I would just give up and leaving things undone.
Because I lack the determination to push on. I'm still not knowing how to pump in the ignition fuel, but I want to find out the ingredients that will season my life with tastes.
Just some random update of my brain.
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