Mess and less

Clearing up messes is never fun.

A lot to clear up. I'm only half way (or a quarter way?) through. But now at least my room is ready for study mood. Oh, maybe some Christmas stars decorations. A box of stars I bought from Ikea 2 years ago could be a good idea. Had been in-like of stars since kid. Because in the night, the star shines the brightest, and not depending on time, like the moon. They catch your attention. But maybe because it is a star, even if you really like it, the best way is to leave it untouched, because you'll never catch a star (logic). The best way? Be a star and shine.

But it is through these messes around I found back precious. I found back partially who I am.

A lot happened. And everything really drained me down to zero. Went to Obi and bought a super big whiteboard, just to write down what I want and constantly reminding myself of where I REALLY want to go. It's pain though, thinking that I'm wasting my time, again.

A long run, but I'm tired. Confidence is still a barrier in me. I just can't find the stable Fe-56 state out of it. Sometimes I get overconfident, and sometimes under. And then disappointments come. I realized that injecting non-basis hopes is a selfish, headless, and dangerous act, at least towards myself. I realized that one should measure its own capacity/capability/capacitance before jumping into something.

I'm ain't gonna make the same mistake again. Europe champion - I'm not yet but I will. It's such a sad story to open the Beautiful Memory book, and many of the contents are just something that made me sad. It was 1999 when I asked for the Sidek family and Nusa Mahsuri's badminton players signatures. I even got one from China coach. Not to mention he signed at my back of my shirt after 3 days clinique with him. It was then I said to myself, I want to become a good player too, like them. 10 years I've been delaying to push myself outside of what's given, what's comfort. In addition to that, 10 years later, I've decided to surrender to God my precious.

I'm a bit nervous now, actually. To think that 3 hours later I'll be on my way to badminton court and ask the Germans to train me. I'm not sure the outcome. I'm worried, but I no longer want to hold back. Because I'm not gonna let emotions to stop me. Because giving up something you love for someone and something else is just lying to yourself. Because I wasn't determined enough. Because it and you (and you) hold me back. Because I'm not a good gambler (literally and metaphorically), who will lose everything in the end. Because the two waves are never coherent. And because I easily heart-broken, disappoint and hope given-up. Because I gave excuses.

But because I know there's always some people who will back me up and support me throughout my hardships and uncertainties.

Maybe 21 is always a good start. And maybe 23 is the best and most significant number in my life. Because it showed the significant changes in my life. Until then we see. Wish me luck!

p/s: Got myself a Milestone >> so if you wanna know my current goal and pray for me, you can always refer to that.
p/p/s: Next week I'll start to build my 4 pillars. Thanks Dann =)
p/p/p/s: It made me realized that the one that you hurt the most is actually the one that you love/treasure the most. Cuz' you care ;)