How to let go? The Prologue

Today right, I finally skipped a class. It was an accident though, due to my failure to have discipline. I set my alarm at 6.45am (GMT+1) and yes, I heard it rang. But my 'natural reaction' helped me off the alarm and continued to sleep. Guess what, I woke up at 8.45am. Somehow, I felt like scolding myself. But then, never mind. It won't happen again. At least not tomorrow.

Lately I came across the movie "The Matrix" so I decided to watch it again. And somehow, I felt strange about life. Well, I know I should be thinking about my stackings of projects but my mind kept on thinking about things going on in life. And I even thought about things like: Everything is based on something else. Or rather to put it clearly: Everything has relation to another thing. Or sort of like "Vincent's relativity theory".

Ok, I started off my thinking: How do you know that the "time" that I'm having now is the same as your "time"? Or, the color "red" that I see on my laptop's wallpaper is the same "red" that you see it? Could it possibly like the "red" that I see is the "blue" that you see?

I ran my mind far far far. In the end I came to the conclusion: I will never know the answer because I don't have anything to refer to. I don't have a "standard" that I can compare to. So is this life: Life without a standard. For us Christians we know that we have a standard to follow: Jesus Christ. But to be honest, none of us really live a life like Him. Although He is our standard, a lot of times we just divert away to other standard: Wealth, pride, honor, land, women, men, sex, weed, whatever. I felt very bad about myself. A lot of times I know what I really should do but in the end I wasted time on internet, time on blogging this post. I said I wanted to find a job at the beginning of this semester, but now I have done nothing. I said I wanted to go play Cardiff Games but in the end I didn't do anything. I said I wanted to continue the method that I used in Mathematics 2 last semester but now I'm doing nothing.

I'm just wondering. Am I really such a kind, that I'm easily swayed around? Last Sunday during the discussion in Church Stephanie mentioned that

human always look for the better good. How? They tried this and when it's done but cannot find the satisfaction, or whatever, they turn to something else. And the cycle continue on and on and in the end people don't know where to go, without a clear standard.

I kept quiet that time. I can't stop to think that I'm much of that kind of person. I play football, badminton, basketball, tennis (yes, I'm serious), DotA (oh here it comes again..), Counter-Strike, TreeTag, PudgeWars, Go Fish!, Fifa, PES (Pro Evolution Soccer), O2Jam, Siedler (OH YES), and the list goes on, but I mastered none. Even Siedler I can't win on my "home ground" but lost to him. Nevermind, this was a joke. But my point is, yes, which one am I really good at? None.

Let's move to another example: I want to play guitar, keyboard, cajon... But again, which one I mastered? None. I said I wanted to work in the third semester, so called following footsteps of the legendaries. But now what the heck I'm doing? I'm barely can manage my studies. Speaking of which, now here's the real thing: I want to take Mathematics 3, Messtechnik, Sensorik, Aktorik, Bauelemente, Fertigungstechnik, Technische Optik 1, Physik 3, Elektronische Schaltungstechnik, Technische Dynamik, Praktische Informatik, Elektrotechnik 2... Oh my God, now that I've listed it, it really f-r-e-a-k-s me out. I got 12 subjects to take. And I think I'm going to screw things up.

Jia Jin told me, after all those times in Germany, now is the time to learn the meaning of letting go. Indeed, I saw my hero-act in my last semester. I got 1,0 (perfect!) for my Mathematics 2, and 5,0 ("PERFECT!") for my Elektrotechnik 2. It was an accident but... I shall not blame on other thing; it's my fault to remember the formulae wrongly.

Now that it's time to register the examination subjects, I really want to do things carefully. I don't want to be hero again. And I don't think I can do it this time. All hardcore subjects. Even seniors adviced me to drop SOME. Yes some, not just one subject. This is what frusted me, besides the not-knowing-how-to-move-on projects. And yet I'm now blogging now. Should've been studying now right? Sad.

So in life - a lot of things I should learn not to be stubborn but to give up, letting it go and let God. Sigh. Yea Jia Jin you really hit me real hard - it's DAMN hard. I don't even know how to choose. I don't even know what I want in the first place. That day he finally returned to his "real self": Blasted me with a question that really filled my eyes with tears (now you know): "I know where I am going and I want to be a teacher. At least that has confirmations from God. What about you?" I was bashed. Stunned.

I...

really...

don't...

know...

sobs.

"Welche Richtung?"

A quote that I came out when I was playing badminton last time. It means "which direction (are you hitting the shuttlecock to)?" The irony is, it's actually a question to myself. Welche Richtung am I going? I don't know. But I know that all those who succeded in life know where they're going. That's what made them different from others. That they have plans for their future and they know what they are doing. At least this is the common attribute that I see in those outstanding people. I want to shine as a star too. I mean, who doesn't? But... What am I doing? I don't even know.

"Worship leader? Singer? Composer? Badminton player? Normal church goer? Computer games player? Consumer? Worker? Contributer? Engineer? Mechatroniker? Consulter? Councellor? WHATEVER? Loser?"

I...

don't...

know.

Last Sunday also Katie who moderated the service mentioned that "we got Malaysian top students like Qi Hao"... I sweated. I don't deserve of this. I felt the guilt in me...

Seriously, I need to learn to give up things. I need to learn to prioritize things in life. I don't want to choke myself to death. Again. Sigh. And sorry I let go-ed my emoness again in two consecutive posts (excluding the last post). I just saw and felt the stress and the heaviness of the weight of things now. I'm more emo than Yi En's emo look.

Sorry if I disturbed your feelings. But allow me to put something cheerful here. It was something that me and James crap-talked:

ku rasa sedih

sebab muka hodoh babi

itu dicakap oleh Billy

sedih aku dia perli

aku mimpi

mimpikan ***hi

tapi aku sunyi

sebab ***hi punya hati

takde di sisi

ataupun sini

dia happy

sebab selalu dipuji

cantik lagi lagi

so mana sesuai jadi

teman wanita Vinci?

tapi segaya Leonardo da Vinci

patutlah tak dapat yang diimpi

tapi ada harapan lagi

hanya kalau you sudi

Sudikah anda?

LoL. Whatever.