DJ DJ DJ DJ~

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

I just came back from church's Frühlingsparty (spring party). Tired, exhausted. Still, I want to post this entry. As for the 2nd part of the France trip, next post ya! Sorry

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Yes, if you want to find hapiness in this post, sorry guys I failed your wish, once again. I'm now actually really disturbed. Not because of you, but myself. I can't stop thinking, why am I so useless?

After all these while since someone commented me as a person who is useless, I tried to be somebody else. I tried to change, wearing glasses is one of it. I tried to learn to make decision, the wise one of course. I've tried so hard, and yet so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter. Because after tonight, despite all the encouragements and the support, I still felt the uselessness of me. I screwed event. The Spring Party. I ruined it. Everything was fine just before I took over. Sigh.

When he asked me to handle it, I said yes.
When he walked out that door, I thought I could do it.
When I started the music, I ruined it.

The spring party supposed to be a hype. When it came to the dancing sessions, everyone were supposed to dance all the way, unstoppable, intoxicatinating, enjoying, jumping, screaming. Yes, thanks to this DJ-to-be, these elements, alright, alright, were seen, but lasted not long. I brought in bassic (is there such word?) and fast tempo songs. Everyone started to dance. The atmosphere was building its way to the peak. 2nd song came in. And the 3rd. I was supposed to enchance the mood. Bring it to the top. Everything were supposed to be fine...

And I placed a song, slightly slower, lesser bass. The atmosphrere fell down, very very fast. Everyone was before dancing and singing, suddenly stopped.

My fault?
My fault.

I brought the wrong song in. She came, requesting fast-beat songs. He came, asking the same request - exactly the same words in German. Another she came, asking for hip-hop-genre songs. Sweat ran through my forehead. I was searching for the songs. I was digging through the whole playlist. He came, passed me some music discs, and I thought this was a great help for me. In the end, I didn't know which song to play, because the name of the songs were not written.

Panic was how I describe myself back then. Pressured. Compressed brain. He offered to help me. Great thanks. Working with two music playlists in 2 different computer was really a pain in the ass/brain/eyes/ear/wherever-part-you-name-it. Further more, dealing things in Winamp was a job that I never do. Why use Winamp instead of Windows Media Player? I'm not blaming. Just that, I'm noob in Winamp. Real noob. I didn't use Winamp anymore since primary six I think. Due to panic, I accidentally removed the playlist that he sorted for me. I called him, sought for help. "Reinforcements have arrived!" I found back the tracks. Dragged into Winamp. Pressed the play button. The player couldn't detect the songs, and skipped to the next, next and next, and next. What's your problem? Ggrrrhhh...

And in total, after Steffen and Tobi tried many times to bring the crowds to the dance floor, I brought down the atmosphrere twice while the one who helped me once.

I hate myself. Why like this? It was supposed to go on peacefully. I felt down, very very down. Tired, and exhausted, but I met no satisfaction. Tears rolling in my eyes. Kept telling myself guys should not drop tears if possible. I couldn't help it. I really felt like crying. Sigh. Really!

After today, I learnt that to be a DJ is not simple. I learnt that I'm really not good. When I thought of music, I play a little guitar. But it's not enough. He can play drum, piano, keyboard, guitar, saxaphone, GRSS band conductor, state representative in sports, studies result extraordinarily excellent, top runner, long jump, crazy footballer... and the list goes on. He is really an outstander in school. But me? What can I see in myself? Yes I saw something, but it's just a word - loser.

Tonight his bed will leave the essence from my eyes. I feel like crying. Lousy I am. I am really weak. Why didn't I pray to Him, to ask help? Only you understand, only you feel sad. What a gooood start to be a DJ. Long way, sigh.

*edited*: helpless hopeless. But still, I love my God. And God, the ever-loving God, still love us deeply and madly. And We love you too.



Vincent