Recalling the memories (pt 1)

..::*+ My Talk+*::..

Wow, again, time flies. Yesterday I was talking to Jacky about this: How fast time travels. Yeah, who would know that it seems only yesterday that I came in Cemara, stepped foot in INTEC for the very first time. But come to think of it again, I’m almost at the end of another chapter of life, another memorable chapter. I still remembered my thought when I came here for the very first time: I have a long 2 and ½ years at Cemara to go. At the present, I left not more than 2 months time at Cemara. One day, I’ll be counting the days left in Cemara. Thinking back of all the memories I had here – spiritual peacefulness; friendships; relationship; studies; achievements; glory; joy; laughter; sadness; tears; disappointments; anger; cheers; encouragements; advices; lectures. I’ve captured a lot fragment of memories.

Among all these, I guess the most significance is my relationship. I was my first time being with someone. She was yet another nice person I’ve met. I still could recall the very first semester of this whole new chapter after getting this scholarship. How she fell in love with one of my best friends; how they were together, where I to be the one to tie them together; how he later ask to break up with her; how I confessed properly for the very first time to her a month later; how hard for me to take when she rejected me; how then later she accepted me after the first kiss; how I was treated; how many of my friends went away from me; how my circle of friendships being limited; how she finally touched in heart by me; how we went along; how long and how many times we went to the park to 拍拖; how much we quarreled about studies; how disloyal and betrayal we both had against each other; how much I felt guilty and swore to be a better person; how much chances she gave me again, and again, and again; how I failed her expectations; how she failed my expectations; how we, in the end, broke up after a stormy quarrel; how the life went after we broke up; how much she tried to hint me to be together again and how lag I was not to sense them; how I finally sensed them and the kiss at Giant, which felt as if it was our first kiss; how much he wanted me to bring my guitar to the park to play and how stupid I am, for shamefulness and paiseh-ness, rejected the request; how then we went cold with each other; how I wanted for reconciliation; how she rejected, again, and again, and again; how she swore at me, threatened me for friendship bond between me and her; how I learnt to give up; how much tears I left on my bed; how much and how hard I punched the wall in my bedroom; how loud I screamed as if tomorrow would never come again; how much I wanted to walk away from this spot, giving up, once and for all; and how she then fell in love with someone else..

Memories… Memories… how beautiful you are? Thinking back again, I felt a bit of honor as I able to watch 3 batches of JPA scholars stepped foot into the same circle of mine. The regret I have is that I did not try to make friends with people, not until the 3^rd batch. I’ve lost lots and lots of opportunities that God had given me. That is why, this year, my final year, I decided to make it a change. I wanted to know more people in this world. Giving up friendships for a uncertain relationship is surely a stupidity that I will not do again. Yes, I might in love with someone now, but I won’t make it a barrier to my friendship with other people. Perhaps it still better to keep myself to ground – dreaming and floating myself up no more. I glad I’m doing alright to repair all the mistakes I’d made till now. I am doing alright…

Karnival Sukan Antara Mahasiswa (Karisma) is surely another wonderful time for me. I knew I wanted to be outstanding, so I trained very hard, trying my best to improve myself. Everything went fine and I remembered clearly that I still went to Langkawi for holidays with my friends. Ever wonder why I had that yellow Langkawi shirt? Anyway, I thought this was just another competition that I could reach at least quarter-final in the table fixture. Everything was calm and steady, until when we were at Main Campus and look to the fixture: My first match – my match with the 1^st seeded of UiTM Malaysia. My heart sank, deeply. Though it was indeed quite unfair for me to meet him in my very first try out in Karisma, I felt honor and proud to play with him. I remembered how my coach told me before my game:

Just try your best, make sure you’ve put in your very best to play and be satisfied.

I’m, until now, still not sure whether that was a sarcasm or sympathy, but I’ll take the latter. I knew I’ve lost, even before the start of my match. I felt disappointed, and angry, for putting me in such a place. I’m sure I could get to better place if else. But then, I put in my very best for the fight. To be frank and honest, it was no easy task. Imagine fighting a losing battle, where there is no even a tiniest bit light of hopes. Having low morale, I faced it. I’ve put up a great fight. My friends said its pity to see me, chasing after the shuttle, fell, slides… I lost the match. A complete wipe-out. The score was 15-4, 15-4, if my memory serves me well. I forced myself to give a weak smile to my opponent, who later hugged me, saying I’m good. The empire told me I just had bad luck. I ran out and cried somewhere else. I don’t enjoy losing, none of us do. I hate being overwhelmed. But in the end, I thanked God for this experience and this piece of memory. That was 2005. Last year, thanks to my First Phase of practical, I could not join the game. This year it is nothing better. Same fate. I felt disappointed. I went to management of the GMi to confirm the dates of my practical, with that tiny little hope. But maybe it is God’s will to leave me out from this tournament. Shall there be reasons behind these? I’m unsure of myself. I trust You oh God, You never fail me.

These are the some of the droplets in my life. I’ll update of others soon as soon as possible.

Vincent