Monday, June 06, 2016
Saturday, April 09, 2016
The Cost and the Cross
On one hand, I know I love to care about others, seeing them growing up and stuffs like that. On the other hand, it's also opens up myself to be hurt.
And because I am struggling with self-esteem, I get hurt so easily - by people whom I love, people whom I opened up myself to.
That's when words count. Words destroyed. And this pathetic little guy got hurt. A big chunk of confidence were disintegrated, just like that.
People in this world are selfish, suck it up. Regardless of whether they are Christians or not, regardless of how much we talked or promised to God that we want to be Christlike, to the very core, human still fail. Accepting that we are all sinners and that is the norm of it, move on - that's what people would say.
How much does it take to destroy a person? I asked myself. The only good thing about me being stubborn is that I refuse to accept that this is what God intended. No, His intention is beyond all these broken sins. We are all created in His image. That's how it should be. That is the standard. Yes we have all fallen too far away from that. But this is not the state that I'm gonna settle with. Because God is real.
But yes, I'm still human. In this crossfire between Godly Standard and Human Norm I got hurt. The struggle between Godly Standard and Human Norm destroyed me. It got amplified by the fact that I'm a low self-esteem person. I sucked up a lot. And now it burst. It tore down the confidence I'm trying to build in myself.
Jesus, why would you die of sinners like us? Of course, the grace abounds stronger. That price of sins - we failed to understand. It's death. That's the exchanged currency - the exchange that we have. The exchange that we can't give. Nevertheless, the exchange that God sees noble.
It hurts so so bad, just because I'm not Jesus. I felt the same hurt and disappointment that God is feeling, every time we sin. The difference is that He hasn't given up on us, whereas for myself, I feel discouraged, alone, hurt, unappreciated, and pathetic. Yep, I did promise myself that I will not rant, but this blog, today you need to withstand the storm.
I feel like quitting everything. But then again, it's the same with people, no matter where I go. And I don't know how to face this either. Quitting life isn't an option too. And hence the struggle.
Yeah and that's pathetic. But sincerely, what can I do?
And because I am struggling with self-esteem, I get hurt so easily - by people whom I love, people whom I opened up myself to.
That's when words count. Words destroyed. And this pathetic little guy got hurt. A big chunk of confidence were disintegrated, just like that.
People in this world are selfish, suck it up. Regardless of whether they are Christians or not, regardless of how much we talked or promised to God that we want to be Christlike, to the very core, human still fail. Accepting that we are all sinners and that is the norm of it, move on - that's what people would say.
How much does it take to destroy a person? I asked myself. The only good thing about me being stubborn is that I refuse to accept that this is what God intended. No, His intention is beyond all these broken sins. We are all created in His image. That's how it should be. That is the standard. Yes we have all fallen too far away from that. But this is not the state that I'm gonna settle with. Because God is real.
But yes, I'm still human. In this crossfire between Godly Standard and Human Norm I got hurt. The struggle between Godly Standard and Human Norm destroyed me. It got amplified by the fact that I'm a low self-esteem person. I sucked up a lot. And now it burst. It tore down the confidence I'm trying to build in myself.
Jesus, why would you die of sinners like us? Of course, the grace abounds stronger. That price of sins - we failed to understand. It's death. That's the exchanged currency - the exchange that we have. The exchange that we can't give. Nevertheless, the exchange that God sees noble.
It hurts so so bad, just because I'm not Jesus. I felt the same hurt and disappointment that God is feeling, every time we sin. The difference is that He hasn't given up on us, whereas for myself, I feel discouraged, alone, hurt, unappreciated, and pathetic. Yep, I did promise myself that I will not rant, but this blog, today you need to withstand the storm.
I feel like quitting everything. But then again, it's the same with people, no matter where I go. And I don't know how to face this either. Quitting life isn't an option too. And hence the struggle.
Yeah and that's pathetic. But sincerely, what can I do?
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Reinvent
The past glories - they are the sign that tells me that I am able.
The past failures - they are the indication that tells me that I am growing.
Time and tide wait for no man.
How can I keep failing to see this, to remember this?
No, do not be trapped in this.
And yes. I can. It can be done. I just need to persist, and see it through.
It is time. I can hear the calling. I can feel the breathe. I can taste the power.
I know. It is now -
to reinvent, rebuild, and reestablish.
That is what the heart longs for.
And I obey.
Confront - that's the first step that I will do.
The past failures - they are the indication that tells me that I am growing.
Time and tide wait for no man.
How can I keep failing to see this, to remember this?
No, do not be trapped in this.
And yes. I can. It can be done. I just need to persist, and see it through.
It is time. I can hear the calling. I can feel the breathe. I can taste the power.
I know. It is now -
to reinvent, rebuild, and reestablish.
That is what the heart longs for.
And I obey.
Confront - that's the first step that I will do.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
Grace Story - Before
I ask you,
"How many times will You pick me up,
when I keep on letting You down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory,
how far will forgiveness abound?"
And You answer,
"My child, I love you.
As long as you're seeking My face,
you'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People warned me about the emotional turmoil that I might be facing as I go through the transition period. Friends shared their job-seeking experience with me. Family keeps encouraging me to continue to apply for job. And I keep telling myself, "this is just another valley of life; go through it."
I know they all love me so much.
But much truth to say, I'm in a bitter state. I'm bitter with life, with God. I don't know why has He not saying anything at all, let alone opening doors somewhere for job. I mean, if there's a time for Him to speak into my life, now is the time to do so.
(Say something...)
As someone who constantly needs to know what's going on, I am panic. I am disappointed. I am frustrated. I am... bitter. Last new year's eve was the first time in my life when I couldn't figure out what my plan for this year is. I mean, let's just skip the part about executing plans, I do plan. I sat there, starring blankly into this A4 paper. The only thing I could write:
That's all. It's because I don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing. First time in my life I have zero control of my life situation. But I couldn't sit idle. So I started to plan.
I planned to go back Malaysia.
I felt that perhaps this is the right thing to do.
I took the benefit that I have a flight ticket from JPA to go back. Firstly to celebrate Chinese New Year with my family for the second time in my 8 years time in Germany. Secondly to try to find a job in Malaysia/Singapore. Thirdly to run away from certain people, whose presence around me will cause me hurt (people like this do exist).
Changing environment is the best move I could make so far. I'm convinced of it.
At this point my friends already told me tons of times, that
Even so, I did tell Him I want to know about His grace. (Probably I should say to myself "You get what you asked for").
Grace.. What have you done...?
I don't know how to, and I'm not even sure if I could do it, but the song from Laura Story really touched me this morning. I've listened to it many, many times. But this morning as I was doing my quiet time, the lyrics of the song struck me. I was cut to my heart.
Although I thought I have understood it, I need grace. I am so incapable, so weak to understand this. Then I started to learn what Paul meant:
Exodus 16
They complained (as I do) and God heard their grumbling (and mine). I am still grumbling against God. But as He was so patient with the Israelite, so is He with me now. The time will come where the Glory of the Lord will become apparent to me. And He will respond to my grumble. Just as how He had responded to the Israelite community's grumbles, so will He to mine.
The funny thing remains: We all know how great God is. We all read and heard and know that He is Jehovah Jireh - God who provides.
I understand these by head. But not my heart. It's too dangerous, too risky. But just as Peter stepped out of the boat onto the water to experience walking-on-the-water, so as the act of having faith in God - To hear His voice, and do accordingly.
Hey, so I actually need not to be worry at all, right? So pray for me, if any of you still reading this blog. To understand this in my heart. Knowing what the Lord would do, pray that my faith will be strengthened.
This is grace; this Qi Hao Story. (Part 1)
"How many times will You pick me up,
when I keep on letting You down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory,
how far will forgiveness abound?"
And You answer,
"My child, I love you.
As long as you're seeking My face,
you'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People warned me about the emotional turmoil that I might be facing as I go through the transition period. Friends shared their job-seeking experience with me. Family keeps encouraging me to continue to apply for job. And I keep telling myself, "this is just another valley of life; go through it."
I know they all love me so much.
But much truth to say, I'm in a bitter state. I'm bitter with life, with God. I don't know why has He not saying anything at all, let alone opening doors somewhere for job. I mean, if there's a time for Him to speak into my life, now is the time to do so.
(Say something...)
As someone who constantly needs to know what's going on, I am panic. I am disappointed. I am frustrated. I am... bitter. Last new year's eve was the first time in my life when I couldn't figure out what my plan for this year is. I mean, let's just skip the part about executing plans, I do plan. I sat there, starring blankly into this A4 paper. The only thing I could write:
"Get a job."
That's all. It's because I don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing. First time in my life I have zero control of my life situation. But I couldn't sit idle. So I started to plan.
I planned to go back Malaysia.
I felt that perhaps this is the right thing to do.
I took the benefit that I have a flight ticket from JPA to go back. Firstly to celebrate Chinese New Year with my family for the second time in my 8 years time in Germany. Secondly to try to find a job in Malaysia/Singapore. Thirdly to run away from certain people, whose presence around me will cause me hurt (people like this do exist).
Changing environment is the best move I could make so far. I'm convinced of it.
At this point my friends already told me tons of times, that
And I know as well that I have been encouraging people to look at the next verse:"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'."Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
I mean I did call on Him, and come, and pray to Him. Friends who prayed for me told me that God heard my prayer and He knows my situation. That"'Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord.Jeremiah 29:12-14a NIV
But honestly, I know my complaints don't deserved to be heard AND fixed by God. I know if He were to do something about my situation, it is all by His grace. I want to learn what His grace really means, though the biggest one is already done at the Calvary. A gracious act of sacrifice for my reconciliation with Him; a price that I could never pay."'So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead? Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!'"Luke 11:9-13 NIV
Even so, I did tell Him I want to know about His grace. (Probably I should say to myself "You get what you asked for").
Grace.. What have you done...?
I don't know how to, and I'm not even sure if I could do it, but the song from Laura Story really touched me this morning. I've listened to it many, many times. But this morning as I was doing my quiet time, the lyrics of the song struck me. I was cut to my heart.
"(He answers) You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient grace."
Although I thought I have understood it, I need grace. I am so incapable, so weak to understand this. Then I started to learn what Paul meant:
Then I was reminded again of the Israelite community as they were at the Desert of Sin.But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."2. Corinthians 12:9 NIV
Exodus 16
They complained (as I do) and God heard their grumbling (and mine). I am still grumbling against God. But as He was so patient with the Israelite, so is He with me now. The time will come where the Glory of the Lord will become apparent to me. And He will respond to my grumble. Just as how He had responded to the Israelite community's grumbles, so will He to mine.
The funny thing remains: We all know how great God is. We all read and heard and know that He is Jehovah Jireh - God who provides.
I understand these by head. But not my heart. It's too dangerous, too risky. But just as Peter stepped out of the boat onto the water to experience walking-on-the-water, so as the act of having faith in God - To hear His voice, and do accordingly.
Hey, so I actually need not to be worry at all, right? So pray for me, if any of you still reading this blog. To understand this in my heart. Knowing what the Lord would do, pray that my faith will be strengthened.
This is grace; this Qi Hao Story. (Part 1)
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
looking forward...?
Well, people start to ask me about my future. What's next after Master?
PhD?
Work? Germany? Malaysia? Somewhere else?
What about potential partner? Still single?
Found job?
Slowly fear creeps in. Not because I don't have answers to these questions. But another uncertainty of life comes in. I have been reading "boymeetsgirl" by Joshua Harris (yep, the one who wrote "I kiss dating goodbye".
Perhaps, the thing that I should try to overcome is "peace". Despite being this bubbly person, I'm rather old-fashioned and when it comes to decisions, often I do not be in peace. Because there's no algorithm to life. Whatever ways that my mentors had couldn't fit 100%. That's where I fall into dilemma of life.
I need inspiration. I need conviction.
Conviction to be in peace despite the uncertain things going around. Now I know about this peace comes from God. But I don't know this peace. Conviction to trust in Him.
Just. Trust. In. Him.
My future, my job, my partner, my life, my... whatever.
Just trust. In. Him.
Trust - an element that left scars within me. Since then I built some walls around this thing called pride. Though I easily trust any people, but I just couldn't trust God. Simply because I don't want to face the truth that perhaps what God has for me isn't what/whom I want (to be with). I couldn't just bury everything and move on.
Just trust in. Him.
Of loyalty and trust, and there isn't many whom I see worthy of that. People hurt each other for their own benefits. Friends betrayed. Lies told. One way out of this is to choose people to be around. But even then there's not many of them.
JUST TRUST IN HIM.
These are lies. I just don't dare to submit to Him. "Thank you, God, I can handle this." Said by the hypocrite. Because I couldn't live in unknown, uncertain, not-knowing. I tried, I failed, it hurt. No, I will learn to trust in Him. To have peace in putting trust in Him.
Thursday's presentation will be a good start to practice trust.
Keep me in prayer.
PhD?
Work? Germany? Malaysia? Somewhere else?
What about potential partner? Still single?
Found job?
Slowly fear creeps in. Not because I don't have answers to these questions. But another uncertainty of life comes in. I have been reading "boymeetsgirl" by Joshua Harris (yep, the one who wrote "I kiss dating goodbye".
Perhaps, the thing that I should try to overcome is "peace". Despite being this bubbly person, I'm rather old-fashioned and when it comes to decisions, often I do not be in peace. Because there's no algorithm to life. Whatever ways that my mentors had couldn't fit 100%. That's where I fall into dilemma of life.
I need inspiration. I need conviction.
Conviction to be in peace despite the uncertain things going around. Now I know about this peace comes from God. But I don't know this peace. Conviction to trust in Him.
Just. Trust. In. Him.
My future, my job, my partner, my life, my... whatever.
Just trust. In. Him.
Trust - an element that left scars within me. Since then I built some walls around this thing called pride. Though I easily trust any people, but I just couldn't trust God. Simply because I don't want to face the truth that perhaps what God has for me isn't what/whom I want (to be with). I couldn't just bury everything and move on.
Just trust in. Him.
Of loyalty and trust, and there isn't many whom I see worthy of that. People hurt each other for their own benefits. Friends betrayed. Lies told. One way out of this is to choose people to be around. But even then there's not many of them.
JUST TRUST IN HIM.
These are lies. I just don't dare to submit to Him. "Thank you, God, I can handle this." Said by the hypocrite. Because I couldn't live in unknown, uncertain, not-knowing. I tried, I failed, it hurt. No, I will learn to trust in Him. To have peace in putting trust in Him.
Thursday's presentation will be a good start to practice trust.
Keep me in prayer.
Thursday, October 15, 2015
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