A Fall of Rememberance

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

A forwarded Short Messaging Service (SMS) from Anna of Korean:

再烦，你要记得微笑；

再急，你要温柔语气；

再苦，你要忍耐坚持；

再累，你要默默承受；

再忙，你要照顾自己；

再难，你要感受磨练；

原你开心度过每一天！

Another SMS from my sister, Wendy:

In GOD’s eyes, LOVE is NEVER absent;

In GOD’s heart, FORGIVENESS is NEVER impossible;

In GOD’s embrace, NO ONE is EVER alone or forgotten!

Praise the LORD!

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Today all the 4 of my Chinese coursemates went to an award-giving ceremony and dinner. There is only me and myself in this old little room 15/501. One nominated for outstanding German language, another went to compete for best A-Level Student. One went for being in High Committee (HICOM) of our A-Level German (ALG) Student Club, Der Klub. Another went as to compete for best event coordinator; he was the coordinator of Opening Ceremony of German Week 2006. Me? I got nothing. I have a post in Der Klub, but not in the HICOM. Remember in my earlier post that someone said about me?

You’re a street smart but not a study smart character.

-she got the point so don’t even include me to stand a chance to compete for the best academic student.

I’m never better than these people. Some can stay awake in midnight until sunrise just to study their exam. Some are fast-learner – they learn things real damn fast. Some have super high performance and well-functioned brain – they can remember and write down ALL the German words during Hören Verstehen, HV (hearing) sessions in class. Some have never-ending sources of exercises and past years to study. Some can play computer games far better than me; some can play sports far more skillful than me. On the contrary, what do I have in myself? Nothing, except I can play badminton well. Yes, being one of the best badminton players in INTEC and everyday boasting around as if I’m INTEC no.1 is the only thing I can do (I don’t!). There’s an award for best athlete, but I’m sure I won’t be even nominated. The reason? What triumph I’ve achieved in the past two years? Nothing. Being a participant and being knockout in KARISMA 2006, played for SAF in 2005 and 2007, where INTEC goes nowhere near the 8-strongest team (quarter-final stage), are not things that I’m so proud of myself to allow me to receive the invitation card to the ceremony.

I’m not jealousy of them or something. It’s just that sometimes I think I’m really just a piece of crap in INTEC. I thank God for giving me an opportunity to stand with these “excellencies”, but I don’t know the reason for being in this kind of place. Oh God, please show me a way, light my path. Tell me, what’s your purpose to send me here? I really need an answer.

Neither am I feeling to weep nor moan on my bed again, although I’m honestly a bit depressed of who I am. I never have any chance to be the top. Never in my family, nor in any period of my lifetime. Seeing the trophies on the tables makes me more disheartened. I still can’t forget the nightmare during the German Speech Competition last year at Universiti Putra Malaysia (UPM). It was really a haunt in my life. It discouraged me and even until now, the shadow of the event is still devouring my soul. It was a fall that the wound can hardly heal.

Despite all these, I keep telling myself these:

A fall, is not necessarily a bad. It gives valuable lessons. Throughout the process we fall, we taste the pain of the fall, we see blood flowing out from the wound, we cry out loud, we then might get help from someone else, we stand up again some time later, we learn our own capability, and we avoid falling the same way again. The blood and pain have their own weight in our life. The pain, that reminds us of how He felt when He was hanged on the cross. He did not complain, but ask God to forgive us. I still remembered the subtitles (because I watched in foreign language version) in the Passion of Christ:

Oh Father, please forgive them, they do not know. They do not understand.

No one can do the similar as he did when we’re at the gate between life and death. None of us has the asset to vow these powerful words.

A fall, was what I had in the past. Today, I’m learning to stand up again. Sometimes I still shed my tears when seeing things that bring me back to the time when everything was wonderful and happy. I know now, nothing will last eternally. And when these sweetest moments come, all we can do is to thank God and appreciate them because they happened. A friend of mine had this on his MSN personal message:

Don’t cry because it’s over; Smile because it happened.

It’s hard and painful. Nevertheless, I must get over with it. It’s like a baby learning to stand up on his feet. It is a difficult task to master, and he might fall down and receive a pain in his ass. But what thrusts a baby to stand up, it’s that no matter how many times he falls, the essence behind is that he is now more mobile and starts to get more mature, that is turning into a child.

Vincent

I'm sorry

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Time ticks. Days by days passed by and as time goes on I’m starting to talk like a dying person. I started to think about what I wanted to do before I leave INTEC, and later depart for Germany for my further education. Maybe they’re what I want other people, especially the juniors, and super juniors to do. Those that I didn’t manage to do back then. Those that were once my dreams when I set foot into INTEC. Those that I did not tell others back then.

An old man.

A very very old one.

Awww… My DVD Rom got problem. I think it’s the lens’s problem. Not sure. Bad day for me… I have a CPU without the CD/DVD ROM now. Sick.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I still remembered clearly, that when I was about the age to start to understand this world, my parents ever told me this: Say sorry if you do something wrong. That was sort of a lesson for me that until today I can still recall it clearly in my tiny little brain. I used to follow this principal until a day when I realized that by merely just a sorry does not mean anything at all. In fact, sorry is a word carrying negative meanings.

Without knowing the true meaning of sorry, it is an excuse to run away from a problem. A lot people think that by saying sorry any problem can be solved. No, honestly it doesn’t. Not without knowing the true meaning of saying sorry. To me, sorry means the understanding of the reason of main idea and the whole process of the problem and, knowing that, avoid, or at least, try our best not to repeat the same mistakes again. Today, seldom people realize this. The word “sorry” has been taken for granted.

After we know about the meaning of “sorry”, it is best that we learn how to say it sincerely. I’ve seen many cases around me where some conflicts, for example: misunderstandings, among my friends happened and remain unsolved for a very long time, just because neither side want to put down their ego, for just a small period of time, just to say “I’m sorry”. How sad I am to see this, because the problems are actually neither big nor complicated, but need just a word of sincere apology from both sides, which neither is able to do so. Thus a tiny little conflict lasts for almost half a year. A lot problem can be solved by just standing beside each other, same status, same pride, and say “I’m sorry”. Personally I don’t find it hard to do so, but I know, a lot people just can’t do so. Well, if only all of us can do so, many problems might be solved easily. But still, we’re all human, right?

Besides ego, some people don’t wish to say this”forbidden word” due to this reason:

He/she won’t accept my apology, when I say it to him/her. I might get things worst than ever. I better not to say it.

What else can I say? I can only keep on “sweat sweat sweat” and say “oh my god”. True, this is really a turn-around. This is a typical example of why I said most of us misunderstood the word, partially or totally. Let me ask you: are you saying sorry because you want other people to forgive you; or you are saying it because of your remorse of what you have done? Why do you need to be afraid to say sorry, just because they might not forgive you? Apology and forgiveness is two different things and thus shall not always be put together in a situation. My point is that, you need not to be afraid that other people might not forgive you, because time tells. They might not want to forgive you now, but as time goes on, who knows, things might change. This is something beyond our hands. But on the other side, apology is something that you can do with. No matter what, to say sorry sincerely is far better than not saying it. By saying sorry, you create a chance for both yourself and other people: the chance of getting forgiveness after an apology is higher than keeping your prideful mouth shut, right? By saying sorry, you will learn not to repeat the same mistakes again in the future; in short, you’re improving yourself to be a better person.

Learn to say sorry, things will be much better than nothing.

vincent

The Last, yet the Best

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

MyFM DJ 菲比 came out with her new album, “爱·爱菲比”. I downloaded and listen to all the songs. Quite nice and I dare say her voice is soft and comfortable. Below is the list of her songs in this album. Go search them in the internet, but of course, buy original CD if you can afford it. After all, it’s anti-piracy that we’re talking about now, right? =P

1. 触电

2. 1 + 1 ( U & Me )

3. 泪河

4. 记号

5. 触电 ( 伴奏 )

Among all of these, I like the song “记号” the most. It suits me the best and I don’t know why, I just can’t stop listening to it. 菲比, keep it up!

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Well, another “the last” came across my life again. Yes, Campus Alive (CA) was at the end of another chapter. How sad, right? Yes, I remembered as if it was few days ago I watched people like Ian, Gloria and Eugene (I’m not sure how his name is spelled, should be this Eugene I guess) standing in front as everyone pray for them. But this time I and my ALG gang along with the Ausmat seniors were those who stood in their place. It’s sad to think that yesterday would be my last time ever attended a CA meeting.

But yes, although it was the last, but sure enough, it was the best, ever! I really enjoyed myself very much. The service was flawlessly organized and it was the most-people-attended meeting. Everyone placed in their support and help to success the whole thing. The girl in-charge of the ice-breaking game, Erica (ok, is this correct again? ) did a marvelous job again. After the Eugene, she’s the best! What I like about her is that she can stay everyone’s attention in playing the game. Yes, everyone. Keep it up!

The service… you need not to mention about it. It was as fun as ever! Yeah! The music, the singers, the instruments players… you all were astonishing! Great play by everyone! Do keep it up too!

To think that this is the last time that I went for Campus Alive is really something very sad. I missed all the fun, the people, and everyone’s faithfulness. Yeah, the ice-breaking games never bore me. Joash never end with his wonderful and brain-challenging speeches. Pastor David always comes to us with his inspiring talks and advices. Evelyn and her magnificent piano skills and “the Drummer” stuns me with his drumming skills. I remembered someone did tell me his name, but I keep forgetting names. I’m growing old. Next up is Patricia, a faithful daughter of the Lord who keeps on encouraging everyone to come to CA, drop by at my blog giving me great comments whenever I post something about CA. She is another one who keeps my burning spirit to come to CA whenever I am available to do so. I’m grateful to Helen too. She’s a businesswomen type of lady who is always busy with activities both inside and outside of INTEC. She manages a lot of things and she’s often to be seen walking in a very fast pace, rushing of time. But still, I thank her for taking up all the burdens and troubles to give us a ride to CA almost every time. She’s, in fact, the one who brought us to CA in the very first place. So I really felt I owe her a lot. She never complains about us. Although she’s my junior, but to me, I think she’s much more matured in handling things and situations. And for that, I pay her a lot of respect. Thank you, Helen. There are a lot of people too, who, to me, CA is incomplete without them. You all should have those faces in your minds by now and they are the torch, and they’re all carrying a strong and everlasting spirit of God and CA in them. I respect you all.

To be frank and honest, CA did teach me a lot throughout the year. To think back those days before I went to CA, my mindset was completely a mess. My temper, temptations, corrupted thoughts and many other negative psychological elements in me were, honestly, indescribable. Recalling those days, when I hated my friends just because they look down on me, was very pathetic. I hated them, merely speak to them, and worst ever, avoiding eye-contact with them. But through Joash’s talk I realized that how stupid my past was. To think back again, I think I look down on myself more than that they look down on me. I couldn’t even think to change myself, instead blaming them for looking down on me. Now I realized that, yes, surely they can look down on you, they can talk bad about you, backstab you… but the most important is that, what is the value you see in yourself? Do you look down on yourself too? It’s undeniable that I’m weak in studies and my brain works like those 386 computers in early ages, and for that people look down on me. I was confused that time. I had even think that it was a mistake in JPA’s database or something for choosing me instead of thousands of people, who did far better than me, and achieving more recognizable level of activities. God gave me this rare chance to prove that I can do better. It’s surely quite late to realize this but knowing it and learn to appreciate whatever that is given to us is far better that not knowing them.

There are many lessons and talks that can be perfectly fitted into my soul. They give me strengths to carry forward, when I’m deeply down after the break up. They shown me a better and brighter path, of which is far warmer and easier than continue to creep inside the dark, cold and lonely backstreet. They gave me warmth, just when I feel cold. They equipped me, just when I feel empty. They show me there’s always a better tomorrow, just when I think that today is the last day of life. They awakened me, just when I’m at the edge of the gate to Satan’s illusion. What and who can offer better than these? None except being in CA.

Thank you, CA. Being in CA is the most wonderful story in my chapter of life. And all of you, thanks for all the supports, both directly and indirectly. Without you all, my life at INTEC will be as blank as a white paper. You all colored my life.

I’ll go back to CA if I come back from Germany. Inform me whenever there’s CA meeting.

Vincent

Recalling the memories (pt 1)

..::*+ My Talk+*::..

Wow, again, time flies. Yesterday I was talking to Jacky about this: How fast time travels. Yeah, who would know that it seems only yesterday that I came in Cemara, stepped foot in INTEC for the very first time. But come to think of it again, I’m almost at the end of another chapter of life, another memorable chapter. I still remembered my thought when I came here for the very first time: I have a long 2 and ½ years at Cemara to go. At the present, I left not more than 2 months time at Cemara. One day, I’ll be counting the days left in Cemara. Thinking back of all the memories I had here – spiritual peacefulness; friendships; relationship; studies; achievements; glory; joy; laughter; sadness; tears; disappointments; anger; cheers; encouragements; advices; lectures. I’ve captured a lot fragment of memories.

Among all these, I guess the most significance is my relationship. I was my first time being with someone. She was yet another nice person I’ve met. I still could recall the very first semester of this whole new chapter after getting this scholarship. How she fell in love with one of my best friends; how they were together, where I to be the one to tie them together; how he later ask to break up with her; how I confessed properly for the very first time to her a month later; how hard for me to take when she rejected me; how then later she accepted me after the first kiss; how I was treated; how many of my friends went away from me; how my circle of friendships being limited; how she finally touched in heart by me; how we went along; how long and how many times we went to the park to 拍拖; how much we quarreled about studies; how disloyal and betrayal we both had against each other; how much I felt guilty and swore to be a better person; how much chances she gave me again, and again, and again; how I failed her expectations; how she failed my expectations; how we, in the end, broke up after a stormy quarrel; how the life went after we broke up; how much she tried to hint me to be together again and how lag I was not to sense them; how I finally sensed them and the kiss at Giant, which felt as if it was our first kiss; how much he wanted me to bring my guitar to the park to play and how stupid I am, for shamefulness and paiseh-ness, rejected the request; how then we went cold with each other; how I wanted for reconciliation; how she rejected, again, and again, and again; how she swore at me, threatened me for friendship bond between me and her; how I learnt to give up; how much tears I left on my bed; how much and how hard I punched the wall in my bedroom; how loud I screamed as if tomorrow would never come again; how much I wanted to walk away from this spot, giving up, once and for all; and how she then fell in love with someone else..

Memories… Memories… how beautiful you are? Thinking back again, I felt a bit of honor as I able to watch 3 batches of JPA scholars stepped foot into the same circle of mine. The regret I have is that I did not try to make friends with people, not until the 3^rd batch. I’ve lost lots and lots of opportunities that God had given me. That is why, this year, my final year, I decided to make it a change. I wanted to know more people in this world. Giving up friendships for a uncertain relationship is surely a stupidity that I will not do again. Yes, I might in love with someone now, but I won’t make it a barrier to my friendship with other people. Perhaps it still better to keep myself to ground – dreaming and floating myself up no more. I glad I’m doing alright to repair all the mistakes I’d made till now. I am doing alright…

Karnival Sukan Antara Mahasiswa (Karisma) is surely another wonderful time for me. I knew I wanted to be outstanding, so I trained very hard, trying my best to improve myself. Everything went fine and I remembered clearly that I still went to Langkawi for holidays with my friends. Ever wonder why I had that yellow Langkawi shirt? Anyway, I thought this was just another competition that I could reach at least quarter-final in the table fixture. Everything was calm and steady, until when we were at Main Campus and look to the fixture: My first match – my match with the 1^st seeded of UiTM Malaysia. My heart sank, deeply. Though it was indeed quite unfair for me to meet him in my very first try out in Karisma, I felt honor and proud to play with him. I remembered how my coach told me before my game:

Just try your best, make sure you’ve put in your very best to play and be satisfied.

I’m, until now, still not sure whether that was a sarcasm or sympathy, but I’ll take the latter. I knew I’ve lost, even before the start of my match. I felt disappointed, and angry, for putting me in such a place. I’m sure I could get to better place if else. But then, I put in my very best for the fight. To be frank and honest, it was no easy task. Imagine fighting a losing battle, where there is no even a tiniest bit light of hopes. Having low morale, I faced it. I’ve put up a great fight. My friends said its pity to see me, chasing after the shuttle, fell, slides… I lost the match. A complete wipe-out. The score was 15-4, 15-4, if my memory serves me well. I forced myself to give a weak smile to my opponent, who later hugged me, saying I’m good. The empire told me I just had bad luck. I ran out and cried somewhere else. I don’t enjoy losing, none of us do. I hate being overwhelmed. But in the end, I thanked God for this experience and this piece of memory. That was 2005. Last year, thanks to my First Phase of practical, I could not join the game. This year it is nothing better. Same fate. I felt disappointed. I went to management of the GMi to confirm the dates of my practical, with that tiny little hope. But maybe it is God’s will to leave me out from this tournament. Shall there be reasons behind these? I’m unsure of myself. I trust You oh God, You never fail me.

These are the some of the droplets in my life. I’ll update of others soon as soon as possible.

Vincent

FTZ Asia.net

check this out... imagine online-ing at FTZ Asia.net...


Yes, that's where I am now. Haha...

Laterz!


Vincent

Bus to go back hometown?

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Wow, so long didn’t blog out anything. Yea yea, Internet still down. Although GE Wireless admin gave me solutions to solve the problem (oh yes it worked!), but still, I need to hit F5 (Refresh) button so many times every time I want to surf net. It’s very frustrating, of course. So that is the reason why I’m not updating my blog often. But now I guess I found myself a solution: I type out my blog in Microsoft Word, like what I’m doing now, and save it into a pendrive, and bring to computer lab to online. Sickening, and very troublesome. But I want to continue blogging! For those who dropped by, thanks!

By the way, I just realized that I have strong sense of jealousy ='( Sigh. Why like this? I got uneasy whenever she's with him. I'm pissed off of myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow, today I went to PKNS to claim my renewed passport. Sigh, suppose can get it yesterday, but somehow they said the machine spoiled so I have to go again today. Anyway, I came back hostel for a short rest and went to school to hand my visa application forms to Frau Klöpfer. But wrong timing, as she was not in her office. So I just slipped in my forms under the door along with my passport. Don’t go steal ya! Haha, kidding. Lame.

Then I went to AUSMAT café to have my lunch. And guess what, I met those Koreans. I didn’t expect them to be there. But still, seeing them was a surprise and delight. Although I just greeted them and sit on other table, well, I had a “classy restaurant” feel, as in I enjoy eating my lunch while Dena, as usual, with her loud music voice. If you read this, jangan marah ya! I’m sure they’re having fun, since tomorrow will be their last exam, and after that they’re free. Yes, free, just like those MMU friends. T,T why I still need to undergo practical? Sigh.

But wow, I realize that my friend circle is getting wider and wider. Fun fun! Haha, although not as wide as Jacky’s, it’s still wide. But sadly I do not know their names. Just merely a smile or a wave of hand. I wish I can know them better, before I leave this place, in which a lot of memories had been captured here.

As I went to HEP (Hal Ehwal Pelajar) I glanced at the notice board, where tons of notices have been placed. And one of them very outstanding and noticeable, which quickly caught my attention:

Yes. Since when INTEC got provide buses for students to go back to hometown? I remembered a bus driver told me that INTEC used to send students back to their hometowns. But after a while it was cancelled. If not mistaken it was the time where INTEC started to have connection with the UiTM Main Campus. Haha. A lot of stories behind INTEC and Main Campus. Will talk about it in some future post. Some reveals that I’m sure most of INTEC students don’t know, or rather, will not know. Sounded scary, right? =P

Anyway, cheers for the administrator for implementing this service again, although it was cancelled. I guess the reason is that most of the students don’t know that INTEC provides buses to go back hometown during this Raya, just like me: I’m one of them. But still, it doesn’t concern me anyway. Impossible INTEC will send me back to Kuching, by boats or other means, right? Haha. I guess the most they’ll do is also send me to Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) or Low Cost Carriage (LCC) Terminal. Haha. However, it is my wish that next time INTEC administrators will make this service “louder”, as in maybe post the notice at more places, typically at my ex-block there. I’m sure if I didn’t go HEP today, I’d never know this, forever. Shout out loud to them, help me ya.

Anyway, good luck to all the Koreans for tomorrow’s exam, if you happen to read this =) I wish all the best for all of you, and if I do not see you again: happy holiday. Sweat! Speaking of holiday, I should start to plan what I should do during this Raya Break. Improve my German, I guess. I need a plan!!

vincent

Updates...

..::*+ Small Talk +*::..

Zzz... What's the different now between small talk and big talk? T,T Wireless internet system in hostel down again. Sigh. Since a week ++ ago. I can't even connect to the GE Wireless Login Page, not to mention doing other stuffs. Sigh.

I hope the internet will "get well" soon. Sickening. Management of GE Wireless, you know what to do. Some other people already tired to complain to you about this problem. And I guess I'll be the next one. Aww...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Zzzz...

So this time I guess it's worth to talk about what happened in the last whole week. Okies, basically I went to German-Malaysian Institute (GMi) everyday. Alright alright, Monday till Saturday. 6 days, can count as a week already? *rolling eyes*

We woke up everyday at latest 6.00am (GMT +8.00), prepared ourselves ready, and waited for the bus to send us to GMi. And we all slept in the bus, obviously is to get more rest. And besides the journey to GMi took about 45 minutes bus ride, if no traffic jam along the highways.

Life is hard at GMi in the 2nd Phase, to me, I mean. I need to pay as much attention as possible during the lecture so that I won't miss out the important stuffs about the subjects. But anyway, I hardly will fall asleep as I like Mechatronics a lot. Haha.

Anyway, so far we took Programmable Logic Controllers, some basic Programming, and Devices and Controls. Basically it's fun, not to mention that I can see my friends making mickey out of themselves. Haha. Yes, someone blew up the sensors. My friend. LoLx.

Well, I won't be seeing her all the time, so I guess it's a great opportunity for me to learn to let go, as she so insisted that nothing will happen between me and her. Sigh. I want to forget all these sad fragments of memories, I really want to. Well, I'm putting efforts to do so. I tried to busy up my life with social stuffs: hanging out with friends, footballs, badminton, basketball, join friends in activities etc. Oh God, if You wish not me to love her anymore, help me forget about her, okie? I really don't know what is right, nor shall I know what is wrong. So give me a guide, a light. Give me a hand, a strength. Give me Your love, Your words.

"Precious" normally only will come after we lost something. "Important" only will reveal itself during tight circumstances.

I don't want to be sad all the time. And thank God, as He blessed me with Korean friends around me. He gave me chance to know these wonderful people. They made me laugh, they made me feel light, they gave courages, they taught me how to be better. But I'm sure they won't know how much they changed the inner me. Thanks!



vincent